17 week miscarriage

dollface1982 · 11-05-2009, 02:05 PM

I posted this similar message back in the pregnant cysters thread. I just delivered my baby last Wednesday. I went in Tuesday to find out the gender of my baby and was told that they couldn't detect a heartbeat. My baby was dead. Come to find out, he had been dead for almost 3 weeks. I had no signs no, no bleeding... Just nothing. The week before, I had just gone to get my anatomy scan and everything was great. My baby was bouncing around and everything. I have no answers, I didn't get an autopsy but maybe I should have. Do any of you think I should have gotten an autopsy done? I wasn't thinking clearly, now I don't know what has gone wrong with my baby. I blame myself everyday now. I feel that it is my fault my baby has died. If the defects came from me, how can I go on knowing it was my body that killed my little precious baby boy?

What were the causes of your losses? I just need some type of direction of where to go from here. It took me a year and a half to get pregnant and all I keep hearing is well you got pregnant this time, it will happen again. I don't want to hear that!! Ladies please help me. I know that we all don't have an understanding of this but I need hope in my life right now and its just not happening. I'm just torn.

DiamondInTheRough · 11-05-2009, 02:27 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby at 18 weeks, he measured closer to 20 weeks when I delivered him. My baby was always alive inside, but I had an incompetent cervix which opened far too early for him to survive this world.

If your baby had visible issues at birth, it's possible that a geneticist or pathologist could make a diagnosis just by his features. Did anyone talk to you about that? Even if you didn't have an autopsy, he must have been examined to a degree.

I know it's hard, but you can't blame yourself under any circumstances. It's not in your control. If it was something genetic, what could you have done even if you knew ahead of time? Be kind to yourself as you go through the motions. My loss was in 2001, and at the time, I couldn't fathom what was going to become of me. You'll never get 'over' it, but you can get 'through' it. It does get easier to deal with in time. Just keep reminding yourself of that, even when you feel like you can't go on - you will.

dstaiger · 11-05-2009, 03:15 PM

i'm so sorry. i just read your post in the march thread. i wish i had some comforting words, but i know from experience that words cant help.

i lost isaac at 16weeks. there was nothing wrong, i just went into labor and it couldn't be stopped and it was too early for him to survive out here with us. its devastating. i blamed myself, i blamed the doctors, i blamed every pregnant woman i saw. every baby. i rushed back into ttc and just 8 weeks later i was pregnant again. despite what people say, doing it again doesn't help. i still miss my son. i still cry for him.

we all have regrets. isaac was examined, but i did not get a genetic analysis. chances are your hospital has a standard procedure and did examine your son. just wait until you can bear hearing the news, or lack of it, and call the hospitals social worker. he'll be able to look at your chart and also offer counseling services.

did you get to hold him? i held isaac, but i regret that i didn't get a photo or some memorabilia to keep me sane now when everyone else has forgotten him. the world's moved on and i'm the only person that knows he existed.

again, i'm so sorry. only time will help but i'll keep you in my thoughts and if you need a sympathetic ear just pm me.

dollface1982 · 11-05-2009, 04:25 PM

Thanks Dianna- I didn't hold him but the nurses had him so close to me that I was able to see every part of his tiny body. He just looked so perfect to me. That was my son. I did get photos and his little hat & booties the hospital put on him and gave me. I just want him back and I know its not possible. I'm starting to frown at every pregnant woman or cry at the sound of a baby's cry. I just don't know how to handle this.

heather212007 · 11-05-2009, 04:54 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my son at 16w 4d back in June. He had an umbilical chord abnormality which cut off his blood supply. I know what you are going through so if you need someone to talk to, PM me anytime. Sending prayers to your family.

sammykins · 11-06-2009, 10:20 AM

i know you are hurting right now and we all know how you are feeling. i did choose to have genetic testing done after my loss at 17w. they found the baby had down syndrome, but they said they still don't know why she died so don't feel too bad about not getting an answer because sometimes they don't give you one, or you get a partial answer. it is difficult either way.
all you can do right now is let yourself grieve for the loss of your son. be good to yourself and know that you will feel better.

alwayzrn · 11-08-2009, 01:02 PM

Doll--I lost two babies 6 months apart from each other. I did have an autopsy on my first son and it was my placenta that was the cause of his death, my second son they just assumed it was the same thing. I held both and have pictures and bears and blankets from them. It is hard and I am so sorry that you are going through this loss. We are here if you need to talk!

kate1977 · 11-08-2009, 04:51 PM

*hugs* i am so sorry for your loss!!

dollface1982 · 11-10-2009, 12:58 PM

Thanks ladies for all of your kind words and encouragement. I now know what to ask my doctor on my next visit. At first I didn't know where to start but I can see things more clearly now.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 11-11-2009, 08:03 PM

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

I also lost my first baby at 17 weeks. I had some cramping, then my water broke and my baby had to be delivered. It was honestly the worse experience of my life. I didn't opt for an autopsy but we did have a chromosome analysis done. She was a perfectly normal baby.

All I can say is, you will survive this but, you never really get over it. It just becomes a part of you. Nothing that happened is your fault. You did nothing but love your baby. The rest was out of your hands. We all know and understand that you would have done anything to keep your baby here with you. It wasn't your choice.

I lost a second baby 8 months later exactly the same way. He had Down Syndrome but, that did not cause him to die. After that I had two early losses, one later that same year, one a few months later early the next year. Later that yr, I was pg again and my water broke again at 17 weeks. I lost baby #5. We stopped even talking about getting pg. That summer I was pg again but miscarried at about 5 weeks. I started looking into adoption, got a pet and decided that maybe this wasn't meant to be. two months ater my 6th loss I was pg again. This time I found out about a 17p hormone shot. I made it full term and I now have a 16 month old daughter. I love her with all my heart but, I still miss the babies I lost. A mommy's heart never forgets.

We are all here for you. The ladies on this board helped me keep my sanity.

(((((BIGHUGS))))) to you!

dollface1982 · 11-12-2009, 11:19 AM

Thank you Gina. I really appreciate this post. I am still hurting behind losing my son, but I am willing to try again and your quote above has opened my eyes much wider. I was always told that my pain is never much greater than others.