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kadie · 06-09-2004, 04:16 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss...and I can say that I know now what you're going through...

I just m/c my first child over the weekend. Had my sister's graduation, so I didn't really get to deal with it until Monday, which is when it got really painful (physically).

Had to go back to work today, and am in no mood to be here. We only told my family, with specific instructions not to say anything to anyone...well, one of my sisters (the only one I debated telling) went & told 'a few' people...so I made sure to ask her to untell those people, and instruct them to untell whoever they may have told.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I don't want to see anyone, I just laid around in my pj's for 3 days. My husband and I talked last night, and he even cried, and through his tears he said "I just don't know how to help you...I don't know what to say or what to do." And it really didn't hit me until that moment that this is affecting him, too. I don't know why I was so selfish, but then I felt even worse, like not only am I not fit to be a mother, I'm not deserving of this wonderful man, who, through his pain, is more concerned about me than with grieving for his loss too.

And the thing that really makes me mad, is that, the day before I started bleeding, was the first day that I was able to relax about this pregnancy...We were excited about everything, took a stroll through the baby section at Target, tried to figure out what we need...and then this.

It just hurts like hell and I can't make it stop. I just want to stay in bed and cry all day. Is this ever going to get better?? Why would I finally get pregnant...only to have it end like this? I kept telling myself that this miracle would work--why would God send me a baby and then take it away? I couldn't imagine that. And now, well, now I want to know why. Why did this happen? What did I do? What didn't I do?

WHY??????????

And I'll probably never know.

Sorry. Thanks for letting me rant...just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of everyone here...