PCOS Message Board - View Single Post

Mamadjc · 08-07-2006, 08:33 PM

OKay, here we go...

Growing up, my father was merciless on me with words. He told me constantly how fat that I was. How ugly. He contstantly told me how I needed to lose weight, how gross I was. This is one of my first memories. I remember doing some stuff in PE one day, and coming home, I told them about how proud I was that I had outdone all of the boys. I don't remember what I had done, but I remember what he said. He said, "Of course you are stronger than the boys, you are fatter than all of them." If he thought I would eat too much at a meal, he would launch into a tirade about how fat I was. At puberty, when the PCOS hit, (I didn't know it at the time) it got really bad. Comments like, Do you ever wash your face? Good GOD, you eat more than I do. That's the lite version of what he did. I won't go into the other stuff right now, I cannot stomach it.

It never mattered who we were around, or anything. When I got my driver's license, I came in the house with it, in a large group of people, he said, "MY GOD, you weigh THAT much?"

I wasn't allowed to shave my legs until the 8th grade, even though I had horrible, black, long hair on my legs. I NEVER wore a dress, because I would get nasty comments. Boys mostly. I think that girls felt sympathy for me, because I had tons of friends that were girls. Boys terrorized me. Two boys used to corner me on the stairs in school and threaten to pull my pants down in front of everyone. They did this daily, for months.

In middle school, I would get wide load signs on my back, boys would jump up against the hallway when I would walk past, as if I was so big they couldn't fit.

A friend of my dad's, a very elderly gentleman, always called me stocky. I know that he thought he was being kind. When my father would make fun of me, he would say, "There's nothing wrong with her, she's just a good stocky girl."

My stepbrother, who is an ahole, and an ex con, got me one day, badly. I had really bad sideburns at the end of high school, beginning of college. I didn't know why, I didn't know how to get rid of them. We were at a friends house one day, he was fixing my car, and Michael was angry at me. He started yelling at me, Why do you look like a man, WHY don't you do something about those nasty man sideburns? His cousin, my stepcousin, told him to stop, but she was laughing at the same time.
I went to the local college of cosmetology the next weekened, and suffered through students waxing my entire face. It was agony. But, I didn't care, nothing was more painful than my life.

I used to contemplate suicide on a daily basis as a child and teen. I had no idea why I was different, why I had hair all over me, why I was so huge. Why people hated me so much for being different. I wished for death. I would pray for God to take me, so that I wouldn't have to suffer through all of it anymore.

It wasn't until my 20's that I cared at all about living and myself. I am glad, because I met David, who loves me no matter what.