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Pandora1151 · 01-12-2007, 01:09 PM

Thanks. I tried talking to him about it last night. Basically, I didn't ask him about being gay specifically. I just asked him if he had a crush on this boy he's been hanging out with a lot (it's the boy he was talking about having a crush on his myspace page). The boy is an exchange student and is going home on Monday so my son has been scrambling to spend time with him and other friends a lot lately. He told me no he didn't, they were just friends. Then I said I wasn't trying to say anything bad about it, I was just curious because the boy was going back to Brazil and I wondered how sad he would be feeling because it's different with someone you "like" than with someone who is just a friend. He just seemed a little defensive when I asked him but he said, "I know Mom" and told me it wasn't like that. So I asked if he liked anyone else and he said no, not right now. Then I didn't know what else to say. I felt wierd asking about him having a crush on a boy, but I just told myself I have to get used to it if I want him to talk to me about these things, just like he was dating girls. I don't want him to shut me out but he is 17 and maybe he just feels like it's none of my business, especially after how I freaked out when he was 15.

I probably seem very stereotypical for a parent finding this out. I hope I am not offending anyone on this board...I read that there are stages to parents accepting this. I think I'm coming to the end of the guilt stage. For the month I've been finding ways to blame myself for his being this way. He grew up without his father around and I was a teen mom who had never had any brothers so no male rold model. I have been following the stages I've read that parents go through like a textbook. My biggest issue with it is my religion...Luckily, I feel like I have a pretty flexible relationship with God but I've been exposed to a lot of Catholics and Pentecostals and really nothing in between because in between I claimed atheism (which is another thing to analyze and blame myself for).

When I read that stuff on his website, I sat down and prayed, "God, if being gay means my son is going to hell or if I have to alienate him or reject him in order to do the "right" thing, I would rather go to hell than do that or believe that. My son is a beautiful, gentle and loving soul, moreso than anyone I know and I don't want to worship a God who would reject him based on who he is attracted to." It seemed like instantly a voice in my head said, "I already did that for you. I love him and I love you." I don't know where that came from, because it sprang out of nowhere but I felt like it was Jesus. The more I look into it, the more I think the whole God vs. Gay thing is a load of crap. I mean, since I've believed in God, I've always believed that God does not hate gay people and I've always taught my children that God loved everyone but I wasn't sure if being gay was really a sin or not and even if it is a sin, God forgave all our sins when Jesus died on the cross...The only reason I analyzed this when I started believing in God again was because I worked with a lot of gay people and one of them was my best friend and he was also a wonderful person. I couldn't imagine God rejecting him from heaven because he was gay and my kids had questions about him whenever he came over, etc. so that was how I explained it.

Still, that was different than finding out my son was gay. I felt like I had to re-examine the issue and find out if the preacher's claims that it was a choice/addiction/demon bondage type thing had any validation. I've come to the conclusion that it's a load of crap being preached by bigots in the pulpit. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm moving away from guilt and into acceptance, but with acceptance I feel like I'm scared of interacting with him openly about it because I'm scared I will say the wrong thing to alienate him. When I had "the talk" with him a couple months ago, I told him I was sorry for the way I acted last time, I was feeling protective. But I told him that I never wanted him to feel like he had to pretend to be somebody he wasn't around me or anyone else because I love him and accept him exactly as he is. We talked about God and he told me that he had been trying to like girls and praying to God to help him change this for years and it hasn't changed so he figures if God doesn't want him to be this way, God will change him but in the meantime, he has to accept it and I should too. It just breaks my heart to know that he has been pleading with God to change him and trying to be something he's not for so long. I was also proud of him for coming to that conclusion. I taught him that line of thinking at a young age - that if you try to change something about yourself and can't, pray to God to change it. If God doesn't change it, accept it until/unless God changes it because God knows everything, even the perfect timing of when to change something. Kind of like the serenity prayer. I was talking about bad habits, like nail biting, but still...

He is such an amazing child/person I can't even tell you. I told him I could never be ashamed of him just because he was gay. Sorry this is so long and rambling. If you got this far, thanks for listening.