Neechogan

Hi Shygirl,

First of all, it takes a lot of courage to talk about something so personal. It took everything I had to come out and talk about the pain that I feel because of what PCOS has done to my wife, how it has affected her sex drive, and ultimately how it has affected our marriage. Good for you! Don't be afraid and keep your chin up.

I'm the man who start the "Husband's view of PCOS" thread about 8 months ago but our battle with PCOS I would say started about 7 years ago with what I would describe as a rapid decline in her sex drive. We went though a lot - fights, accusations of infidelity, and we both shed way too many tears for a young couple to shed. We knew nothing about PCOS until she was finally diagnosed almost 3 years ago and when we did our research we learned that PCOS was quite possibly the reason for our heartache.

Some people who read my posts believe I'm whining about not getting sex but that's not it at all. My wife and I have sex but I know deep down, that while my wife "gives in" to my desires, she does so only because she doesn't want to break my heart. She has told me that she just doesn't get horny anymore and that its hard for her to get into the groove and this is evident by the fact that she just lays there during sex and doesn't actively participate. No kissing, no touching....nothing, like a lifeless doll. I know her libido is so low that the only reason she has sex with me is out of obligation and nothing else.

So how has it affected me? Well, where do I start. Sometimes I'm bitter but now that I understand PCOS better, I no longer project my bitterness on to her because I realize that her absolute lack of desire is not her fault. There's not a lot of intimacy in our relationship anymore and sometimes when she pushes me away, even when all I want to do is hug her and give her a little kiss makes my chest hurt so bad that I once thought that I was having a heart attack - I guess that it was my heart breaking. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, actually not sometimes, a lot - a lot more than I should. I think I cry because I don't feel like my wife has any emotional connection to me anymore, that she doesn't love me anymore. Sometimes, I don't feel like a man.

I've thought about cheating, I'll be honest, but I can't do that to her. She deserves better. Sometimes, I think about asking for a divorce but I love her far to much to want to end our marriage. She keeps telling me to find a surrogate lover to fill my needs but I can't do that either.

My advice to you ShyGirl is please don't wait. Talk to your doctor about treatment. Talk to your partner about what is happening, how its affecting your body and your ability to become aroused. Most importantly talk to him / her (hey its the 21st century) about how its affecting them and how he / she is feeling. Open up the lines of communication now and don't wait for the fighting and the doubts and the tears! You really don't want to go through what my wife and I are experiencing.

Finally, don't give up. If your partner loves you and cherishes you, he/she will be there to support you through this thing. Also, don't stop touching. The need for touch is such a deep rooted human need and the devastation that a lack of touch can create is huge.

Talk to him / her - it will prevent a lot of heartache and maybe some heart break.

Good luck, SHyGirl.