Hello,
I know you posted awhile ago, but I'm new to this thread and wanted to chime in. You sound just like my husband when I'm getting emotional. Sometimes I'm so mad at myself for being this way that I lash out at him... Sometimes just because he's the only one around. I have learned to control my outbursts somewhat though after 7 years of marriage and 10 years together. I learned to realize that nothing other than a different body could make me happy. It wasn't about him, it was about me. So most of the time when she is upset with you try to remember that your wife isn't mad at you, but probably hating herself and you are a sounding board. Dont give up on her.
We know this isn't right, and that you deserve to not be depressed in your marriage. But unless you've experience the raging hormones you have no idea how difficult it is to control your emotions.
The best thing you can do is to reassure her how much you love her, tell her 10 times a day. Tell her how beautiful she is all the time... even if she never feels that way of herself.. tell her all the time. When you have PCOS, many women are overweight, which makes you feel bad to begin with. Then add some facial hair and you feel like a man. Then throw on top of that a womb that for most cases will never bear children and ovaries that don't work. Breasts that may only serve the purpose of a husband play toy, instead of nursing a child... So you begin to feel like not a complete woman. Almost manly.... Think about how you would feel if someone took away your man parts or if you had ED
The very thing that makes you a man doesn't work.... that is how many of us feel about ourselves as woman...the very body parts that define us as women don't work. How would you feel about yourself. That's probably how she feels about herself. So make her feel like she is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. And even if you see a woman on the street that is prettier and you know it. DON'T EVER LET HER KNOW. She needs to KNOW that you feel she is the SEXIEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD.
With regards to physical contact... I can only speak from my personal experience. My husband would want to cuddle... I would assume he was trying to make a move to have sex... after infertility I would learn to equate sex with failure.. and begin to push him away from even small amounts of physical contact. What worked for us was that he would make a move to cuddle be content with cuddling. The more I felt better about myself, the more I would feel like having sex. I know it doesn't seem to make sense but it seemed to be that I was alway assuming that when he'd give me a hug or something he was 'making a move'... which he was but would assure me that he was content with a kiss, or hug, or hand holding... When I felt more comfortable I would begin to initiate 'making a move'.
So after this long message i guess the things to remember are:
Know that you are doing the best that you can. And don't give up on her. You love each other so be patient with each other. If you find that your depression if affecting your daily life then you should seek a professional councelor. Most health insurance plans cover a certain number of visits. they could give you some coping skills.