Betwixt

I wrote this on what would have been her 4th birthday, after my miscarriage. I've struggled with guilt, because part of me was relieved years later. It still hurts, but when I look at my life, I know it would be MUCH different than where I am now. I still wonder what she'd be like. She'd be 9.

I have thought of you often,
O, my daughter who almost was.
I have heard the laughter of a little girl with curls,
I watched as her mother spun her round.
Would I have been so free with you,
Would your laughter have carried far,
To a mother, who almost was?

Today, I begin to think I have grieved too much.
Four years, darling, four years you would be, this week.
Soon, your almost father will send papers,
And our life that crumpled with yours will soon be ended, too.
I feel wretched,
To think your life, or the one that almost was,
Gave me this freedom,
This life with no obligations.
The irony, in that it was the price I would have paid,
For you.

I know, without any doubt,
You would have been a lovely child.
My God, how I miss you so, today.
Have I been awake too long?
O my child. I never meant to fail you.
I wanted to wish you,
Happy birthday.


©July 19, 2002