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LackyBand · 12-11-2007, 11:04 PM

Neechogan, I read the first 6 pages of this thread, and then skipped to the end. I was wanting to get a male perspective of life with a PCOS wife. A lot of what was said, made me sick to my stomach. I am so glad to read now how your perspective has changed. It really does give me hope.

I was dx'ed three months ago. At the time, it was two weeks prior to our wedding. I was actually being tested for something much more life threatening, and at the time, I gave my DH the "Out" option. (Which he obviously didn't take, since I am posting here) When I found out it was 'only' PCOS, I was so relieved.

Life has settled down after the wedding, and I am being forced to get used to being like this for the rest of my life. To be honest, it is a really bitter pill to swallow. I am very proactively seeking treatment. I work out most days, have a naturopath recommended diet plan, take meds and supplements. But it's early days.

Over the past few weeks, there's been somethign coming between DH and I. I had asked him if he was ok. I'd get the typical "Yeah, I'm fine, just tired" thing, which was fine, because getting back into work after a few weeks off is a killer. But it got worse, not better.

Now, he wasn't talking, so all I have is what is going on inside my head...

"Oh my god. I am a freak. I am destined to be a fat, hairy, spotty excuse of a woman. I can even give the man I love the child he is desperate for." Needless to say, not the best self talk in the world. I thought I had repulsed him. I thought I disgusted him. Affection had become a rarity. Sex had become infrequent. In my head, his disdain, and repulsion for me was growing and growing. Then one night, when we were actually having some 'fun', (and for the first time in a while, I was trying to let go of my inhibitions to give him the sex kitten he fell in love with) he laughed at me. In that split second, it was clear for me. He held me in contempt. Here he was, watching a fat, ugly chick getting off and trying to be sexy. I let him finish up. Then... He was worried that I hadn't come?!? HUH? WTF? You really think someone is going to O after you laugh at them? Geez.

I tried talking to him. I tried getting him to imagine how it would feel to have his balls shrivel to the size of raisins, and to suddenly have man boobs. I tried to get him to imagine that, and then to have me laugh at him in all his glory. He still didn't get it. So now, I felt like some sympathy case. I was totally desperate for some results, some weightloss, something. In a PCOS person? Those results? The timeframe I wanted? Yeah right. I was humiliated and embarrassed. I hated myself. Everytime he touched me, I was imagining him thinking about my fat or hair. I had - I HAVE -ZERO self esteem.

A couple of days ago, it came to a head. We had a doozy of a fight. "I just don't know what's going on with you?" he said. I asked him if he'd done any research himself? "Well... No." But he said, he knows what it is - with the weight gain, and the hair and the spots etc. Huh? It's not just about the symptoms! It's my femininity. It's my womanhood. And it's GONE! And you seriously think I am going to feel sexy? You seriously think, I am going to put myself out there with my self esteem already in tatters, just to be laughed at again? Now I can't imagine, Neechogan, if he'd called me a frigid b!tch, or an ice queen. But I can tell you, I REALLY wouldn't be queuing up for more of that.

When we'd settled down, we talked about it the next day. For the first time since my diagnosis, he told me how HE felt. It was nowhere near as bad as I had been imagining. He was scared for me, and didn't know how to help me. I found out that with my own lack of self confidence, I had been pushing him away and rejecting him - all because I didn't want to experience the rejection myself. He felt like he couldn't make me happy, that he was worried about his performance, and that I didn' climax as much as I used to. I told him that an orgasm isn't just a physical response. And when we were together like that, I was feeling so worried and unsure of myself, that I couldn't let go enough. It wasn't HIM. My biggest fear.... Is not being good enough for him. To be a wife that he is embarrassed of. The immensity of the feelings that I have for this man, and then to be faced with the possibility of being a total failure to him was killing me.

So, Neechogan, I understand why your wife offered the open relationship. I can imagine feeling that all that was important is for you to get your rocks off. I can imagine how useless I would feel if the man I loved looked more at other women than at me. I can imagine the feeling of being unable to compete. I can imagine the thoughts running through my head "Well, you don't even want ME, you want her, so the only reason you want to have sex, is for your own relief." I can imagine feeling like a step up from a w@nk.

Now, I know this isn't what is going through your mind. These aren't YOUR feelings. I know that sex is a way for you to feel closer to her than you can feel any other way. But she can't know these things until you tell her. Tell her the things that you GENUINELY are attracted to about her. Don't BS her with "You are the sexiest woman alive" when she knows you'd rather be doing the blonde with the big boobs. But tell her you like kissing the curve of her neck just under her ear... what ever. But you have to believe it, otherwise she'll see through it.

Since we talked my DH and I are feeling so much better. Last night (first night since "The Talk") we cuddled all night. And I enjoyed it. I really did. I wasn't confident enough to go for sex right then, but I know I will be. I know he is more understanding of my feelings now. We are going to go to counselling (his suggestion!) to learn ways of dealing with this curse that is PCOS.