Thanks Neech. I appreciate your advice. I've sent lots of apologies and tried to correct my behavior (now that I'm on medicine I can do that easier) but he doesn't seem to care. He will occasionally answer an email with a 1 liner but as far as discussing what PCOS does, I have given him this site to review but if he has no time to correspond with me I doubt he will even visit here. We used to have enormous closeness, I mean it was SWEET and then it was like this disorder hit like a ton of bricks and yes, he deserved some of it like you did too, but I'm a peacemaker and I just want to forget about what he did wrong or continues to do wrong like ignore the issue. He was a deeeep man, but the longer it goes without him addressing the issue the less likely I think he's deep. He's a healer so why he can't review my condition and his own behavior is bewildering to me. He cared a great deal in the past about me, until this condition reared it's ugly head. So, every day I wonder what I can do to fix things, but it just seems futile. My girlfriends give me advice and it's not good advice because they don't have PCOS and they don't understand the damage emotional mood swings can do so they tell me he's an asshole or that he's a liar since he can't be there for me like he said he could in the beginning, they basically tell me I'm not the one with the problem, that he is....but I refuse to listen to them because I need to believe that our time together when things were sweet, was the truth and not lies....but then I am gullible. Without communication it's really hard to determine what is going on or how to fix things.
Women with huge amounts of pride are difficult. My sister is that way, more egotistical than the average male. It's amazing how the testosterone plays out in our lives. It can make us very 'male' in how we deal with disagreement, competition and getting our needs met. For instance, my bf sent me an email about a tenor singing an aria on American Idol that brought tears to his eye's...I responded in a competitive state that I was better than that man and told him stories about my opera abilities (I sang and took private lessons at a very early age and was very good) so I started completing like a man over opera and I didn't even see it until I was on medicince...."Oh I am better than him!" Trying to prove my self to my bf...kind of embarrassing, but that's what it does. Like the Fonze, I got really egotistical because I was sooooo insecure. The moods make me feel insecure but the metformin gives it all back to me, my health and esteme... Looking at the obvious symps of this disease is easy, it's the behavioral things that are male which are difficult to grasp until we are healthy - anyway for me. I just see alot of male tendancies in myself when I'm hurt. And since i date older men, they are usually loosing testosterone and gaining in estrogen. This happens to men as they age, so the older men get more 'passive and feminine' and I with my testosterone get more 'masculine' in a subtle way so it's a difficult combination but I don't like men who are young.
So, not to veer off topic, but I just wanted clarification that there really is nothing I can do to fix things until he is ready. Thanks for the advice. |