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annem84 · 06-12-2008, 05:12 PM

Sorry this will be long winded/rambling, etc...

I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute happy--the next crying at my desk. I am unable to sleep but when I do, I have horrific nightmares about my past (which inclues abuse and rape from a previous boyfriend) Last night I dreampt that I took a whole bottle of Ambien (which i dont even have in the apt.) but my therapist asked me today on what i thought that meant...I want to get away. I dont want to get away, away but like vacation away but one needs money to do so and since gas prices are assnineridiculous right now--it is pretty much a mute point.

I've been asked to attend a survivor's conference for the above stated things I've been through and while I think I need to, to maybe help in my healing process--I dont want to go backwards from my progress either. Kyle supports me. The others who know about the abuse/rape support me but why do I have to be an emotional rollercoaster to get to the pt in when it happens (next weekend) I know if I were sleeping, I'd feel better but I hate falling asleep for the fear of dreaming so I start self-harming myself and am also disassociating and getting myself into a trance. I feel so numb right now. Therapy helped me this morning but I dont like talking about it but know I need to so it doesn't entrap my brain entirely. Self coping skills aren't working for me right now. I need to work on my breathing, etc and maybe that would help..breathing is always good. I dont want to blame it on anything I have no control over (the weather, the month, etc) I can change me but I am at a loss on how to do so...