MaryS

It's been forever since I posted here @ soulcysters but I am to a breaking point and just need to let it out before it starts eating me alive.
I have 3(well, 2 that live with us, 1 who is in a permentant foster home since he assaulted me a couple years back) adopted sons who I love very much. This coming Christmas it will be 5 years that they have been with my hubby and I. I love them so very much, but have been feeling "depressed" lately that I never got to experience the joys of having an infant.
My sons moved in with us when they we 4, 8, & 10, so I missed out on even the toddler stage. To make a long story a little shorter, our sons have a biological sister who is 19 and just text messaged to us that she and her boyfriend are expecting and that she is hoping that her brothers and us can be a part of their babies life once he or she is born.
I thought I had come to peace with my infertility issues and please don't judge me or misunderstand as I do love my adopted sons more than anything in the world BUT I wonder why God wouldn't allow me to experience the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, infancy; yet will grace a gal with a "sketchy" background(has past drug issues, past assault charges, theft charges, etc.) with the joys and experience of a pregnancy. I can't tell anyone in my family how I am feeling for fear that they may judge me as not loving the children I have been blessed with through adoption, but it just doesn't seem "fair" that I can't conceive and have all those experiences of caring for a newborne baby, that others take for granted.
Who am I to question the decisions God makes on those who will be blessed with biological children and who will be blessed thru adoption? Both ways you end up being blessed by the life of the child(ren) God entrusts to your care, so why should I question God and feel depressed that I can't bare a child of my own genetics? I have children, and my life is fulfilling, but I still can't help but feel that I am some how missing out due to not having a biological child. After 4 years of fertility treatments and the decision to move on with life and adopt 3 wonderful sons, why should I all of a sudden feel like I'm a failure because I couldn't have biological children? I just don't get it. I'm happy with my life, my husband and I love my sons more than anything in the world, yet here I am sitting questioning why God would chose this gal for a pregnancy, while I was never given that chance?
Sorry, this is long and problem doesn't make sense to anyone, but it is how I am feeling and I knew that I had to get this off my chest so that I can move on and continue to nurture my sons and help them grow into fine young men.