juststartn

Something that helped me, when I've had reason to question things (like the four years it took us ttc our first, and the nearly three weeks we had before we had our loss last month), is that God really is "our Father"...He sees more than we do. He knows more than we do. He can see all of the possible "roads" ahead of us, at every moment of every day--even though He already knows which way we will go...

He is our Parent, and so, like children, we are going to have to rely on His wisdom....we are going to cry, and not understand, and even whine "its not fair!"...

But like we have to tell dc, "life's not fair"...they don't understand why we say no..they don't understand the long term ramifications of the things that they want/want to do...

When I was laying in bed, losing my dc last month, I was praying...and I knew that the Lord had me--and my dc--in the palm of His hand. I knew, that children are a gift, and a blessing--only we don't know how long we will get to keep them...we hope for a lifetime, but sometimes, the "loan" is just not that long...

(I'm sorry for the ramble, but I'm just sharing the things that went thru my head at the time, and since...)...

Blessings come in many different shapes and sizes...there are the usual ones--a happy marriage, good health, financial stability, a good job, children...but even the "bad" things in life can be a blessing...I know that that is a hard thing to understand--how can losing a dc be a blessing....???? But I know that He loves me...I know that He works for my good, and not for evil...so how can even the loss of a dc be anything but a blessing? Maybe this dc was going to turn from Him, as an adult..maybe there would have been other things, that would have happened as this child grew up, that would have not been for their benefit. I don't know. But I do rest in the knowledge that God holds my dc in the palm of His hand. I know my dc is better off--safer--even better off than I could ever have "made them" in this world...
I know that as a parent, my job is to get my dc to heaven. To do my utmost, to see them to His side. No, I can't "make" them, but I can do my utmost...that is my job in their spiritual wellbeing, not just the physical...

I know that this is a way OT ramble, and I am sorry...I think it all ties together...in a way...(like I said, these were the thoughts that came to mind as I delivered my wee one, so small :-( ).....

Something I said somewhere else...If life--all life, in this world, is a tapestry, and God is the weaver...we are like the child sitting under the loom...we see the "wrong" side--we see some knots, confusing spots in the "pattern", and we don't understand how all of these colors and threads can work together to make a picture at all, much less a beautiful one, one which, in His eyes, is "good"...but He sees it....He knows the goal, the end result He is aiming for...

And yet, it will be lovely...in spite of our confusion...in spite of us not seeing the pattern, not understanding why, or how, it can all come together...no, it all works out...how come our lives have to take these particular twists and turns in the warp/weft of the tapestry? There are really good reasons--we just cannot always see the reasons...

I don't know why God tells us no...why God tells us "not now"...why He has to close doors we very much want Him to open wide for us...but there *IS* a reason....

And no, I don't think He minds us questioning. I think as long as we realize that His decisions are for our good, and not ill, well, we just have to realize that, contrary to our human perspective, He is the parent...HE is the supreme authority...HE is the adult--and we are the child...

You said you have adopted dc--you know how sometimes they will yell and stomp and cry and scream at you (as dc can do sooooo well, lol)...and perhaps later, they look at it again, and say "Wow, mom, you were right to say no about that"?? I think that that is the way we have to think about it...do we let ourselves remain bitter and pi$$y about it? Do we "cop an attitude" like we get onto our dc about, when we tell them no, or tell them to do something? Or do we say "Yes, Father", and accept...we can still say "why", but it is still a matter of, well, respect, I think...just as we hold our dc when they cry because they are upset about something in their lives, He holds us in His, when we cry because we are upset--because we are denied something that, while it might be a "good thing", it may not be the best thing for us...when He has to say no...

This may have said "nothing" to your heart. But its something God has laid on mine, as the last month has passed...It has given me an immense amount of peace...I mourned, quickly, because of course I wanted my sweet baby...but I also said, "Lord, my baby is in the safest hands possible...thank you for blessing me with that sweet spirit for 10w5d, and please, let that sweet lovey know I love them so much"...and I am not mourning as I see other women mourn (I know we all do it differently, of course)....perhaps it is because of my faith, and my beliefs....I don't know. Maybe it is God's hand on my spirit, keeping me resting secure in that knowledge...I don't know. I just know that I am doing...well. Really. God loves me, and He loves my little one, even more than I do...and He loves you, too--even more than your parents, even more than your DH, more than all of them rolled into one big ball of love...He holds you in the palm of His hand...

((HUGS))

Rachel