Goddess,
Please do not look at this as God's punishment on you. God is there, He even states that He is right beside us when we go through the trials in our life. I don't know if this will help but please read the "Footprints". I truly hope this helps. Trust me, pray and believe. I know it has been a very long time, but pursue God through our Lord Jesus and you will find true happiness. God likes to unstuff our many hurts and pains from our past so we can truly worship him and put our lives towards Him. Hang in there, our dear sister in Christ, you will find true peace.
Footprints
One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
...Mary Stevenson