givememybabyalready

I've been on this forum for a little while. and i read most of what all of you post, but i've only asked one or two questions. My journey with pcos began august of 2008. I've known in my heart that something has been terribly wrong (and after research i expected pcos) since i was about 13, two years after starting my period. visits to doctors told me and my mother, "nothing is wrong with you, irregular periods at 13 14 15 16 is perfectly normal. your body is trying to correct itself."

i met my now husband when i was 16 yrs old. i am now 23 and have been married for 5 years come august. We endured 6 miscarriages from 2002 until 2004. in 2008, i finally gave in to the nagging in the back of my mind that told me 'something is wrong with you and you need to give up your pride and embarrassment and find out what it is'. so with the support of my husband, i went to the military doctor and requested a referral to a fertility specialist. i didn't even want to deal with military politics. i just wanted a direct line.

so..... pcos, though the doctors didn't say it, i'm sure due to the fact that insurance may not cover some of the procedures. I didn't cry. I didn't feel anything.i didn't cry through the hsg, though it hurt like nobody's business. Just seeing my infected ovaries and knowing in my heart of hearts that those ugly things are the reason my womb is so resistant made me numb. The nurse even noticed i had known that was the problem when she was explaining things to me. So i proceeded with the treatment, not questioning doctors, praying with God at all times, every morning when i took my temp, every time over the past when i took a pregnancy test, everytime i thought about a future without children. I have also been doing ovulation tests nonstop. Never an LH surge. I am supposed to start provera again on the 10th. i was also supposed to go back to the dr. to get my clomid after my husband got back in january. but i'm so frustrated.

I believe God, and i am pissed (excuse my language) that i have to force my body, as a woman, to do what it should do naturally. So I'm leaning towards giving up the provera, giving up the doctors, and relying on God. and if He has decided that i shouldn't have kids, then i won't. fine. But if it is in His plan for me to bear, then i will. It seems like this is the choice i have to make now, for my sanity and my future with my marriage. My husband is leaving the decision making completely up to me. He's a great guy, and i am so happy to have him in my life. He says that if i choose to let it go, then we need to find a way for me to be happy because he hates seeing me sad, as i have been these past years. So, obviously, my support system is there.

I have wanted at the minimum 7 kids since i can remember, and this is breaking my heart, but i think i'm going through alot more going through treatment than i would just letting life take it's course through the miscarriages and all. I haven't been pregnant or ovulated since the middle of 2004 and my body is just tired. my emotions are truly spent. I have a couple friends (who have 3 kids each, one who had a stillbirth at 9 mos, but we both still say she has 3, because she truly does) who kept saying that same old mess about relax, take a vacation, pamper yourself, raise your hips, that i just can't stand to talk to about this anymore. so easy for them to say right. The one who had a stillbirth even offered me her womb. While a heartfelt gesture and i appreciate her compassion, i couldn't bring myself to be happy about her "offer". I am going to pay one more visit to my pcm to see if i have endo, and to get a pap smear of course.

So i guess I'm posting tonight to get some things off my chest. Neither one of our families know what is going on, and i don't plan for them to ever know. Only one of my brothers knows exactly what the deal is, and that in itself is killing me. I am an only girl out of 4 boys, and the youngest, and needless to say, beside all the other reasons, that is the hardest one. I apologize for this being so long but i can't talk to anyone else effectively including my husband because as wonderful as he is, he doesnt understand, and that frustrates me further. so i hate to put him through this.

In any case, thanks for listening. Today the road to acceptance and a full life begins for me. I pray that you all get what you have been hoping for. I will continue to pray for you all. This site has been an inspiration to me. I thank God for each and every one of you. It is nice to know that we are not alone, as unfortunate a situation it is that has brought us all together. God Bless.

Elisabeth