Stacy,
You certainly didn't upset me. I appreciate your willingness to share your story! I really didn't mean to speak badly of the birth mother, it's just that there were things she could have done differently that would have made it an easier process, even if the result ended up being the same. For example, she lied about the fact that there were multiple possibilities for fathers. She said all the way through there was only one... then baby was born and she didn't look anything like him and suddenly she admitted there were several others. I can understand that, it would be embarrassing. But still, it's so important to be honest. She was old enough (30), she knew better, but I'm still not mad at her. Only hurt. She also didn't do all she could've to help the agency find this guy, despite their begging her to do so. I think she thought he would just go away and the adoption would go off without a hitch. That worked fine, until two weeks prior to birth when he WAS located and refused to consent to the adoption.
The other thing that made me use the world "flake" was that she has done this before. This would have been her third time placing a child for adoption. I could never EVER claim to understand how that feels or imagine doing it, which is another reason I say I'm not angry with her, just hurt. But we allowed ourselves to feel a false sense of security when she told us (tons of times), "I've done this before, I know what it feels like, and I'm ready for it." Not that I'm silly enough to think every single pregnancy would be the same or whatever, I just mean we really trusted her and it ended up backfiring.
So, I hope that you didn't take my post as a slam against birth mothers, I really didn't intend it to be one. Birth mothers are incredible people as far as I'm concerned and my hat's off to each and every one of them, even ours. Even though it didn't work out and I wish she had handled things better, I know it still takes courage to do the planning and stuff that she did, trying to put the baby first. And I absolutely don't feel any differently toward the next birth mother. I am glad that we are more educated now and have been through this once so we know what we're doing next time. Hopefully that will end up benefiting the child, us, and the birth parent(s).
