Hi Girls!
It's been awhile since I have posted here. For those of you who don't know me or my story, I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2003. I was so shocked as I come from a big family. In 2007, I got pregnant on my own. What an excited day that was. We weren't even trying and here I got pregnant on my own after being told that was not a possibility. I was thrilled. I felt like I was on cloud 9. Here I thought I had beat the odds. My due date was 11-7-2007. My pregnancy was moving along nicely. I had morning sickness, my progesterone was high, my numbers were doubling, all my tests were coming back the way the should have. I made it through the sticky first trimester and the morning sickness had disappeared. I felt I was in the clear. All I had to do now was sit back relax and enjoy the ride. Well that all came to an end at 28 weeks for me. I woke up on Aug. 14, 2007 with a sense something was not right. It seemed like I knew the second I opened my eyes. I went about my day, took my shower, headed into work, got my breakfast and sat down and waited for my little boy to move. I drank some juice, ate some fruit and waited. A few hours passed and nothing happened. I decided I would drive to the hospital and have an ultrasound to see what he was up to. I had gone in 3 weeks prior with decreased fetal movement and was told he was fine. "He's just sleeping" I was told. So I thought he was just having a relaxing day. As I got to the hopsital, they checked me in, I got undressed and waited for the nurse. She came in, asked some questions and put on the fetal monitor. The silence was deafening. "Let's not panic" she said as she ran out of the room to grab an ultrasound machine and a doctor. I remained calm and waited for her to return. She came back pretty quickly with the ultrasound machine, an intern and my OB. They put the gel on my belly and started the u/s. I saw my son, and thought "Oh there he is". But the intern turned to me and said "I'm so sorry, but he is gone". I was a bit confused as I could see him on the screen, not realizing I had seen his heart beating. She repeated herself as she knew I didn't quite understand what she just had said to me. I looked at my OB and said "what do you mean?" And they pointed out where his heart was and how it was silent. I begged them to please look again. "You'll find it, I know you will" I screamed as the fear took over. My son had passed some time in the middle of the night while I was sleeping. I called my husband to tell him the news. I was admitted as I waited for him to arrive. They started me on pitocin right away and we waited. In the mean time I had to make funeral arrangements for a son that I hadn't even met. Mothers aren't supposed to plan their son's funeral. Two days later on Aug. 16, 2007, my son Dylan was born asleep without a cry at 8:40am. I remember that day as if it just happened yesterday and that was almost 2 years ago.
I had posted my story on here when it happened looking for support. I also was looking for answers. We hadn't received the autopsy report at that time and I was wondering if PCOS had anything to do with it and if anyone on here ever went through what I had just gone through. I never did find out what happened to my son. The autopsy came back inconclusive.
After the funeral, I immediatly decided I wanted to try again. My husband, thankfully was onboard. So we decided to see an RE and I was put on glucophage for 3 months and then we introduced clomid. 5 months after I delivered my son, I was pregnant again. I was able to carry that pregnancy to 36.5 weeks and am happy to say I have a very healthy happy little girl. I did however do so much research that at times I was telling the doctor's what the next step was and what tests I wanted to run. It was not an easy pregnancy. There were times I almost lost her. I ended up with GD late in my pregnancy and had low fluid and they were afraid of another stillborn so they decided to take her early. But we made it through it and had a happy ending.
I am posting my story in hopes that it may give some of you hope. Even if only one person gets hope from my story, I will be thrilled. Pregnancy is not easy, and lossing a pregnancy is even harder. Especially when it is the most wanted thing in YOUR world. So many people can and are so ignorant to pregnancy loss. The hardest part for me was dealing with hearing of other women who were pregnant and weren't even happy about it. Or got pregnant on the first try and carried full term with out a single hiccup along the way. I have come to terms with it now. That's their life and this is mine. The cards are dealt and this is the hand I got and honestly, I wouldn't change it for the world. I got to hold an angel in my arms, and I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart I now know what the saying "it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all" really means.
I see alot of you are going through an awful time right now, a tragedy in my opinion. Too many of you. And I want you to know I am here to lend a shoulder or ear for you. I pray a rainbow baby comes your way soon and your dreams are fullfilled!
Laura