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R0xyg4l · 04-01-2009, 12:26 AM

Tonight, I just wanted to vent somewhere and figured no where could be a better place. I guess I'm in one of those "it's not fair" moods. I just thought about while I was pregnant this time I kept craving a lot of spicy foods. My DH kept saying "It's because you have that fiesty baby boy in ya". We would laugh and just kept thinking that this had to be it. I kept telling myself that lightening could strike me twice... but it totally did. I should almost be out of my first trimester but I'm not. In all reality I should be having a baby any day now but I'm not. I've had to suffer through seeing my babysitter who already has 3 kids pregnant with her fourth. When she first started babysitting for me we were a week apart... I was due a week before her. Now I see on her Facebook that she's due anytime now. For the past five months I've watched her tummy grow sometimes thinking that it should be me. Sometimes I was able to forget and push back the thoughts that about how unfair it was. Now who knows how long it will be before I ever have another baby. I went to take my doctor to the pedi today and saw and heard the little babies getting a check up thinking I wish I had a little one to bring to see how great they're doing. Of course I have my DD and I couldn't feel more lucky. She is absolutely my whole world. I just hate that life is fair sometimes. I should be making my husband a father again and my DD a big sister. Instead I'm sitting here feeling empty with tears stinging my face. I hope somewhere in the future things begin to make sense. Because right now I feel so lost.

I know other people have gone through a lot more sh*t than I have... I just feel like I've had something I want more than anything slip through my fingers multiple times. When I first started TTC I saw a lot of people here have had m/c and I just thought... I just can't imagine the magnitude of that. Just how horrible that could possibly be. And now reflecting on that thought... I so totally know how much it sucks now and I really wish I didn't have to know.