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Originally Posted by R0xyg4l  I was just thinking as well... for myself and every cyster who has ever had a m/c. I don't know if there will ever be that happy pregnant feeling. I mean I'll be ecstatic the next time that I get pregnant, I know it will happen again. But the fear of not making it to the end will always stay in my mind. I just don't know if being pregnant will ever be enjoyable. |
I know this feeling.
I had 3 m/c in about a year. Each one somewhat different. The first one, I went in for a scan and was told "It's too early, come back in 2 weeks." And I believed it. I believed I would go back in 2 weeks and there would be a heartbeat and life would be happy and that would be that. I went back in 2 weeks with my husband and my son and ... there was no heartbeat and life was not happy and that was that, or not that. I remember thinking, never in a million years did I think this would happen to me. Miscarriages happened to other people, not to me.
So we entered fertility treatment and cycle after cycle went by and finally I had a + test but the betas were so low plus I had spotting on 14dpo which made me think it implanted late - I felt like, I know this is bad, just let it end quickly, I don't want this to drag on. And it did end quickly and I was bummed it didn't last but happy it was over so fast we could try again right away.
So a short while later I got pregnant again... and the numbers were crappy. And my nurse kept saying, it might work out, it's early, blah blah blah... and I just kept thinking, let's get it over with, so we can try again. But it didn't end. The numbers picked up.. and I went for my scan at 7+ weeks and there were two babies... but no heartbeats... so I went in at 8+ weeks and there was a heartbeat in one of them... but slow... and I tried so hard to believe, oh my god, it's going to work after all!!!
And then 3 days later I started bleeding and went in for a scan and there was no heartbeat, it that was that. And it took 3 months for the bleeding to end and the whole mess to actually be done with.
So then I got pregnant with triplets and my doctors were very pushy about "reducing" to twins which was the most horrible ordeal I have ever been through in my life. I look back and I think, how could I have voluntarily taken on a loss, after all I had been through? Why couldn't I say, this is my reward, and hope for the best? But by that point in time, with failure after failure, I just could not believe it would all be OK - I could not believe it could possibly end well - I was 100% convinced if I tried to keep all 3 I would loose all 3 - and I was scared out of my mind and simply could not fathom going through THAT kind of loss. I had so much bleeding early in that pregnancy - every time it happened I would sit there on the toilet thinking - I could not handle losing all of them.
I was out of my mind.
Three miscarriages in one year. I guess that was my breaking point.
I went from being a woman who thought miscarriage would never happen to her to being a women who thought only miscarriage would happen to her.
I would like to try for one more child some day but worry that first of all it just won't happen... but then second of all I just worry IF it happens... it will be another m/c.
I had the repeat loss testing done and found nothing conclusive, which is both comforting and worrisome. Comforting, because there's more hope that way. Worrisome because ... you're powerless. All you can do is hope.
I wish I had some killer wisdom or advice for you... but I don't. But you're not alone.