I'm so sorry for the loss of your twin girls and your other little one. Unfortunately for us we have actually lost 4, but didn't know what the gender was for the first 2 since they don't do testing until the 3rd.
I hear ya about being surprised sometimes by emotions, thinking that you are settled and at peace and then sometimes being triggered back to another emotion.
After learning about our fourth, I went home and declared that that was it, I was done trying, we have two boys (2 miscarriages between first and second son, followed by another 2 miscariages..) I declared that I was going to give/sell all baby items that I've been holding on to. Announced to friends & family that we were done and then I think a few days later, part of me started to have that feeling of maybe one more time...
I've since gone for the laparoscopy and they found a dip at the top of my uterus which has been fixed, so now I feel like I maybe our odds have improved, but I think the PCO thing has a lot to do with my body's ability to sustain a pregnancy properly even when adding progesterone, metformin and dexamethasone to the mix.
Well, my hubby and I are taking a break too and we are going on vacation soon (we booked it pretty much at the same time as our last loss as a way to pursue other dreams, but in my heart of hearts, I still would love to welcome another family member. So hard to lay down dreams and know when to do that....
We might re-visit things in May....we'll see....
One thing I've learned is to give myself permission to have changing feelings about the matter on any given day and that only I have to hold. I think for a time I told people I was done trying, because perhaps in some small way I felt that people would think that was the reasonable thing to do after 4 losses, I had to stick to what I said or do the "honorable"" thing, when in reality, I realized it is o.k. to change my mind...it's my life not others and it's o.k. to want it one day, think we're done the next, and then want it the following day. It is such an emotional journey and I finally have peace with letting myself change my mind, until I truly have a final peace about what I dream for in life...
I've had people say "I thought this was too painful for you"...or you're done trying right?...I've also realized that it is o.k. to feel deep pain and then try again. I get to determine what the threshold is, not someone else looking on thinking that surely it is just too much pain and upheaval. I do care for my husband though and try to weigh his feelings in equally. Sometimes in life things that you ache for deeply mean that pain comes when it doesn't happen. I'm o.k. with that now - not to say I don't wish we didn't have to experience these losses.
Well, that's how I feel today anyway ;-) Maybe I'll have a different opinion on the matter tomorrow - and that is o.k. too :-)
Lastly, if anyone is like me, then I've chalked up this crazy persistent pursuit to my personality which includes perservering and holding to goals and dreams. In my life, it is this fight that has resulted in a lot of good things that had I given up or not fought so hard, I wouldn't have seen the good things that came from the persistance. So perhaps this personality has its' strengths and weaknesses.
I do sense though in this journey, there might be a time when I feel it is best to just let go...
Sorry, just babbling on now.
Thank you all for sharing your stories and how you are feeling about your losses and how you are coping. |