PiperMi

I'm sorry my first post has to be such a negative one, but i came across this site, and everyone seems so supportive, i felt i could post this here.

I would like to say "lately" but its been going on forever, just seems to be getting more and more out of hand these days... i get so angry. blinding hatred. and inside when i let it out it feels great! when i reflect the anger on someone else its like liquid happiness pouring through me just to be that cruel. but the way i feel physically i know is so stressful on me, and my body, not to mention the obvious effects on those around me, and work, and everything else i do. I don't feel self-inflictive and so far it has never been a physical anger, but when i get upset like this, there's no censor, and while i would like to think i wouldn't hurt someone, i can't say that i never would.

i can be the happiest person in the world, and the smallest thing will turn me into a monster. and its not always a quick episode, i might stay angry for hours, although it is generally shorter than that.

when im not angry i have this ridiculous fear/anxiety of pretty much everything. alot of them have to do with my throat closing or becoming randomly allergic to foods. ( i think this is becuase my mouth is often dry so i think about it and stress on it).. or just other random things that make me feel tense, and then when my body is tense, my mind is tense, and then i think about the way i feel and it makes me feel panicky.. and well.. you get the idea. i have palpitations all the time. all the day long, very soft usually, and sometimes ill go for months without one. then they will start back up and its all day long again. (i would like to note that i didn't have a single palp leading up to my wedding day -!?).

So here i sit dead tired, still feeling the aches of todays anger and the anxiety of knowing that soon i will be laying in bed, with time to think. (i hate thinking time, i always think about things that make me feel more anxious). i should be feeling good right now. im finally having a period - a real one - that requires feminine hygine products - not just a little wussy thing that baraly qualifies as existing. im elated to momentarily feel like a woman, and for a few weeks it wont seem so much like im covered in something gross on the inside.


I know that mood swings are part of PCOS.. does anyone else get this kinda of intense anger? I have a hard time taking medicines, even simple things like ibuprofen - more anxiety and fears. And for that same reason have been in a two year grueling battle to fight pcos without formal medication just natural supplements, rigourous excersize, lots of vegitables, and good pair of tweezers (and obviously a little humor). maybe i'll get lucky.. or maybe i wont. I have come to terms with the fact that i will more than likely still need assistance with having children when the time comes, even if i do control this for the most part on my own now. but i really don't want to have to resort to meds for anxiety/anger management.

I suppose i have lightened my excersize dramatically in the last month, as im in the offseason period for three more weeks, and maybe thats why im feelin the heat lately. i just don't know how else to deal with it, and even if this is a rambling post (so sorrry!) its just nice to know someone gets it. i hope.

thanks
-pmi