afterthought92

Does anyone ever feel the same way I do? Sometimes I just start lashing out a people and getting really frustrated with everything people say. Then I realize I'm being rude and go to be alone. When I do this I get really scary angry. But at myself. Most of the time I listen to music, but I get so angry that I want to rip myself apart or tear out all my hair. I always think about everything that I hate about myself. I'm 16 and weigh 165 lbs! I finally weigh less than my 20 yr old brother at least.

My weight is such a hard issue. My sister is also overweight but doesn't have PCOS and she doesn't really care about losing weight. So I feel like I have no one to talk to. The one person I do lean on is my father. He has been overweight his whole life and he often tells me similar feelings that I have. But I feel like my mother is fake supportive. Like she tells me we're going to make healthy dinners and do a lot of walking. But it never happens. And then she always tries to put chips in my lunch, so I always unpack them so I'm not tempted to eat them.

I've lost about 30 lbs since I was diagnosed (2006-2007 ish) but I still feel really disgustingly fat. I always feel like people are looking at me and judging what I do and what I eat. I hear this is called the spotlight effect where you are concerned that everyone is looking at you and noticing all your little faults. Surprisingly this effects everyone. So the people I think are noticing my mustache (!) are really too concerned about whether their underwear is showing to even notice.

Still I get really angry at myself. Last year I faced a lot of demons when my best friend decided she really didn't care about me anymore. She started to hang out with all the wrong sorts of people and was always smoking or getting high. I didn't want to be around someone like that. AT ALL. But it was hard because she had been my friend my entire life. But when I looked back on it she was really a cause of a lot of my problems. I was always measuring myself against her (blonde, skinny her) and always felt rubbish around her.

Sorry that this is more of a rant than any sort of question or anything. But I guess I just had a lot to write and this is a good place to do it.

So does anyone feel like THIS?

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"A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves - a special kind of double." (Toni Morrison)