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HakunaMatata · 04-24-2009, 01:45 AM

I need to vent and really, is there a better place than here? Where all of you know exactly where I am coming from?

First, I am tired of people saying that my miscarriage was God's Will. I get it. I know. I know that the baby wasn't meant to be and I know that it'll happen someday. However, the people who say these things have NO FREAKING CLUE what we all go through and how absolutely desperate we feel sometimes.

It feels so pathetic to use the word "desperate," but that's exactly what it is - desperation. I have never been so desperate for anything in my life. I am heartbroken that last Christmas, I was still desperately childless. I am heartbroken that I thought it finally happened, and then the dream was ripped away from my desperate body. I am angry at myself for becoming comfortable with the idea of becoming a mother - and for allowing myself to get excited. I am FURIOUS with myself for telling everyone; it just caused more heartache when I had to "untell" everyone.

In my heart, I know that the miscarriage was not my fault. I was afraid to SNEEZE too hard after I found out I was pregnant. I'm a stomach sleeper, and I willed myself to sleep on my back or side. I researched all of the right things to eat, drink, stopped drinking soda or any caffeine at all, took it easy, stayed calm, didn't stress, and I even talked to my baby.

I told my baby how much she was going to be loved and that I was already proud of everything that she was going to become. I told her how lucky she was to have a daddy like hers and how excited her great grandparents were to meet her. (for all intents and purposes, the baby was a "she" since gender doesn't develop for the first several weeks...plus I just felt it.)

Many of my friends got pregnant right at the same time as me. I would say 10 of them altogether, including me. Guess how many miscarried so far? Me. It's OK though...I am still happy for everyone. I even went to a baby shower the weekend after I miscarried. I was late because I couldn't stop crying while I was getting ready, and sure, I broke down on the way home...but I held a smile the whole time I was there. What I am sick and tired of is finding out some other way that a friend of mine is pregnant, and then asking them just to have them say, "oh, yeah, I didn't want to tell you...with everything that happened. I wasn't sure how you'd take it." These people know me. The miscarriage didn't suddenly make me bitter about other people's happiness.

Going back to pathetic, do you want to hear something really pathetic? I went for an ultrasound earlier this week, per my GYN's orders. I have a new doctor who is going to do my Endometriosis surgery (since the last doctor failed) and he wanted to get a thorough pelvic ultrasound to make sure everything else is in order so that I'm ready to get pregnant after the surgery. I miscarried back on January 26th. I looked for a baby on the screen...I kept hoping that by some miracle, I was still pregnant. When I saw the empty void where the baby used to be, all of the feelings came rushing back and it took everything in me not to cry. Then, to make it worse, I realized that it was about the time I'd be finding out the gender. I'd be getting an ultrasound, doing the same thing I was doing, except it would have been for the baby.

I'm having an issue with someone from my past. She and I got pregnant at the same time as well. She said that she got to keep her baby and I lost mine because God is unhappy with the way I live my life. What an ugly thing to say.

That's all. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.