Wow, though I can really relate with a lot of what you said, I can't believe someone would have the audacity to say you had a m/c because of your lifestyle and I didn't because of mine. I don't think anything would p*ss me off more than that.
I totally understand where you are coming. I had a 16 wk m/c with no cause. It sucked more than anything ever could. I got past the first trimester and thought I'm gold. Everything was progressing well until that 16 wk check up when we found out there was no hb. I went through a lot. I sent all of my friends a text.. just simply saying we lost the baby. I didn't want to have to discuss it with anyone. One friend text me back "What do you mean?" I was thinking what other way could that sentence possibly be taken? I even told my boss since I was out on leave so everyone knew why and wouldn't ask me. I told most of our close family members and assumed it would spread. A few weeks later, one of my DH's Aunts ask me "So are you going to find out the sex of the baby?" I didn't know what to say, I couldn't believe I was being asked this and I had no clue how to reply. She started badgering me a little "Oh you're not going to share, is it a secret?" Finally, I blurted out "We lost the baby!" I was heartbroken all over again, not only for my loss but essentially having to break that out at my cousin's bday party. People told me the whole time, things happen for a reason, things happen for a reason. Well I started to believe them. I work with DDS clients and they all have CP. I kept thinking I wouldn't want that life for my baby. Then we started trying again... I went to a follicle scan and started crying because of the memories.
We got a BFP in February and I was so ecstatic I started hysterically crying. The one thing I wanted so badly again had finally happened to me. Maybe I am lucky, maybe the first time was just a fluke of genes. I have a friend that taught me the law of attraction (from The Secret book & movie). I thought I'm going to be optimistic. Lightening can't strike the same person twice. This is going to be great. I started craving spicy foods and DH always said "Thats because you have a fiesty boy in ya!" We would chuckle excitedly. Then came time for my first OB appt that I dreaded, because it was the same room, same u/s machine that I had gotten the first bad news from. I just kept thinking everything is going to be fine. The MD talked to me about how things were going to be different this time. Went to do the u/s... I heard her make a big sigh. I said there is no hb is there? She confirmed it.
My DH is calling me for dinner. Needless to say I feel cheated. The first time maybe it was a fluke. Maybe if God exists maybe it wasn't meant to be and he was looking out for me. The second time, I'm cheated, wronged. I've tried to be the best person I could be my whole life. I've dealt with my fair share of BS. I can't understand why it keeps happening to me. And now after RPL testing, there may never be a cause found. *sigh* |