 This is hard for me to write...
I am a young (20) married woman to a wonderful man, but I am very confused. When I was 6 years old, I found my father's Hustler magazines, and masturbated looking at them (I didn't really think of it as a sexual thing at the time).. I have always looked at women that way, especially in pornography. I know I am deeply attracted to my husband but I am extremely attracted to women sexually.
What is really confusing is a little over a year ago, my best friend died. She was not only my best friend.. but sort of my lover I guess you could say. When we were in middle school and high school we would sort of mess around with each other and giggle.. in our older years, we were a bit more explicit, but never passed fingering and we always blew it off as joking. She moved in with my husband and me 6 months before she died.. we always made out and flirted.. held hands, etc. even then. I knew it upset my husband so I held back a lot of my feelings. Now that she is dead, I feel so empty. Its like my soul mate was taken away from me.. she was the only person that could make me smile and laugh when I was feeling down.. she made me so happy all of the time!
What is really confusing in this mess is that, before she died, I thought I had sexual feelings for her, and separate, deep friendship feelings for her.. now I realize (or I think I realize) that these feelings were much deeper.. I yearn for a relationship with a female and I don't know if I want one sexual or not.. I love my husband to bits and I am so utterly completely confused. Before this realization, I just thought that I was sexually attracted to women because we are bombarded with over-sexualized females everyday and I figured everyone was pretty much the same way. now I think I am emotionally attracted to females.. I pretty much hate all males (except for my husband) because they are so sexist and cheat on their girlfriends, wives, go to strip clubs, etc... they are violent and I just can't stand them!
I don't know what to think or what to do.. I am absolutely helplessly confused. Please help!!! |