It is completely understandable that you are deeply hurt. You've lost someone who meant the world to you, and she is irreplaceable. My best friend, she doesn't believe in soulmates in romatic relationships, but she always tells me that i am her soulmate. Best friends are this rediculously, irreplaceable, part of who you are. You have lost a part of yourself. And it seems, found something from it all. A woman woman relationship, even platonic, can be extremely intense and wonderful. And as much as i love men (which i do- there are some great guys in my life) i just find myself longing for the type of relationship a lesbian connection allows me to have.
I understand not wanting to hurt your husband. I imagine that he is someone you love dearly. Before i came out, i always thought that i wouldn't need to come out because i thought that i could be happy enough with a boy. But, honestly that isn't fair for either of you. You deserve completely and utter, delerious happiness. You deserve to be overwhelmingly content. And all of this confusion might hurt your husband, but, to me i would imagine it to be just as painful for him for you to love someone else more than you love him.
I'm not trying to say you sound like a lesbian, or that you sound bisexual. That is something that's going to take a ton of time for you to decide and might change over time. You are the only one that is going to know what feels right for you. What makes you happy. Finding yourself, who ever you might be, is the hardest thing about living. But there is a reward in finding yourself.
And all i have to say about the extra hormones is that, perhaps it isn't true for you, but when people tell me that i always think it sounds like a bit of an excuse. I don't understand how you could be attracted to a female because of extra hormones- i think you have to have been orginally attracted to women, and perhaps the hormones increased it, or made you more aware of it, but do you think that the actual attraction to women was a part of you from the beginning? from your first post, it sounds like it was. |