Thanks for the response Kelly. I am always looking for an excuse.. maybe its the hormones? maybe I am not really emotionally attracted to women, just sexually? There are so many times I do make these excuses because it is hard to face reality. I don't have anything against lesbians or gays, it is just that in my personal situation, it would be truly hard if I was a lesbian.
I just miss everything about our relationship.. I miss her making me smile and laughing and just being so happy around her.. but I think that even if I found a woman to be with, I would not have these feelings again. She just had that something and I can't explain it, but we were just so right for each other.. I am crying right now as I write this because I feel so incredibly lonely without her. yet my husband has supported me through all of this.. and I love him dearly.. I am still very much sexually attracted to him but he can't make me feel how she did.
It all seems like a lose/lose situation.. if she was truly my soul mate, there is no one else out there for me (I do believe in soul mates). My husband told me, if I needed to make a choice, to start dating other women but I don't want to be unfaithful to him, even if he gives me the okay. He knows about my struggling with attraction to other women and he was the first to say.. "I think I know why it hurt you so much when Roxie died. You lost your soul mate." And I just hadn't thought of it like that til he said it, then it kind of clicked.
Ever since her death (which was very sudden and violent and on Christmas night, nonetheless), I have just been extremely depressed.. I love my husband very much, but I feel I can't give him as much love as I could when she was alive. I just don't know. I realize I have to take it one day at a time.. but the last thing I want to do his hurt my hubby. |