elocinintherain- You are right.. when she first died I was, of course, extremely hurt.. the only other person that could have died and caused me that much pain is my own husband. That being said, I didn't even think of my attraction to her as sexual after she died (I seemed to have phased that whole part of our relationship out, even though it was a very prominent part).
I have heard of polyamory, but I never really thought of it applying to me. Now that you said it, it makes perfect sense. If I think of it that way, it really helps a lot of my confusion.. I was thinking, do I really love my husband, or did I really and truly love her that way? You are right, it is possible to love two people at the same time.
I haven't been thinking of divorce, per se. He did mention that I can find a female partner to work out my feelings. It is a step I really want to take but I am just scared. I have cheated on my husband with three different people (all because of self-esteem issues, not really the actual need or want for sex) and afterwards I have torn myself up over it. He is such an amazing man to stick with me through everything I have been through. I just don't want to feel like that again.. I guess I will tell him I am ready to take that step and find a female sexual partner and see how it works out.
Thanks again for your help. All of you are such sweethearts.. this is something I have been holding in for awhile and it is nice to be able to talk about it here.
mkkelly- I know I really and truly should be going to counselling. Its bad when 1 1/2 years later I cry almost every day when I think that she is gone. I know I will never get over it, but I do need to learn how to deal with my loss. I know it might sound normal but I feel incredibly over-sensitive to the subject. I also have severe OCD and I think I am become obsessed with her death (and actually death in general.. I am constantly afraid those around me are going to die.) Anyway, thank you so much.. if I ever need to talk I will be sure to e-mail you. I really appreciate you guys helping me with this. If anything, it is a relief to talk about it. |