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Originally Posted by Mr.NorthSouth  Have you had trouble with motivating yourself to beat PCOS? If so I need your advice...
My wife of 15 years has PCOS. I love her, and frankly I'm worried about her. She is gaining weight and her health is declining.
I look on in admiration to all the women who populate this board who are motivated to beat PCOS. It really bothers me that my wife isn't motivated to fight PCOS. She continues to eat too much, and the wrong things. She's depressed because of how she looks and feels. But when we've had discussions about it, they usually amount to her being hurt that I bring it up. She's extremely sensitive about it.
So, for 15 years I've largely said to myself, "Well, I can't do anything for her if she's not motivated herself". So I've done nothing. I've waited for her to get motivated to fight this thing.
And where has that gotten us? Fifteen years of declining health and denial.
I'm sick of ignoring this issue.
But I don't know what to do. I've told her that I love her for years. I tell her that she looks pretty, I tell her that she is sexy. That hasn't been enough. She needs real help, not just warm fuzzies. But in the past when I've tried to help hold her accountable to her attempts to get healthier, she resents me.
So my question to you ladies out there - how hard should I push? Is anything I do pointless if she's not motivated? Will she appreciate my involvement, or resent me for it? Must I consign myself to a life with a depressed, unhealthy woman who will probably die young just as her mother did? Do I risk being "resented" to try to really help her get healthy?
I told myself I wouldn't have a long post. Oh well. Any advice is greatly appreciated. |
Maybe I can be of some help Mr. North South,
I can see how you are trying to be caring yet how frustrating it must feel that she is not seemingly wanting to do anything.
First let me explain, depression (as you stated that she is depressed) can cause one to be unmotivated about things that they normally care about. This could be the biggest reason why she's been unwilling to do anything about PCOS, because she's been feeling depressed and helpless. I know 15 years is a long time, but depression isn't an easy thing to kick. I've been dealing with it for 3 years straight now and some days I win, and some days I flat out fail. The biggest issue for me has been my husband's pure denial and disapproval of my depression... try to be supportive, which I do believe that you are trying to do. Keep trying, try to make her every day special for her. Maybe if she was able to get on a mood elevator she would be able to start fighting PCOS.
Second, try to find ways of suggesting things by making it her idea. By you telling her what she needs to do (which I'm sure that she already knows she needs to do it) she probably feels that you don't trust her, or are judging her. I know this is most likely not what you are doing. And I understand that you have been very patient, but please keep being patient. The real motiviation for her is going to be when she feels that she can do it. Maybe this means that you need to hold of any comments for a while? She knows what she needs to do and when she feels she can she will do it, again maybe helping her elevate her mood will help her in feeling that she can overcome this. Maybe one way to be proactive without really suggesting directedly to her about doing something is getting her to go on walks with you. that's one start anyway to getting her up and moving, and that could also be another way for both of you to connect and make her feel good about herself. Vitamin D is also really good for emotional health and getting sunlight is a good source. Vitamin B is also a mood lifter... which can be taken in supplements. The biggest issue is how she 'feels' about herself. Sadly you can say as much as you want, but until she believes it she's going to feel inferior. Please don't give up on your comments about telling her that you love her, she's beautiful, and sexy, but make sure you are sincere. A woman can sense when a man just says something.
I honestly think that you are doing many things right, but you can't do her part. Stay strong and supportive, but I think the best way to get things on track is indirectly coming up with suggestions to help. And maybe that will be starting with walks, and or bike rides. All ativities that can be fun, without bringing up her problems for a while at least.