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Merc · 05-22-2009, 12:30 AM

Well it has been almost 4 months now since my miscarriage, and I still feel empty. I believe I am at peace with everything but every now and then I just feel like I am dying inside. I know my Husband and I would make great parents, and I want it so badly. I know your not supposed to ask why, but it is so hard not too..... I have been through so much in my life and I just want to have this one chance.... this moment to become a Mom. I know that we will have our child one day, but I will always miss my very first.
Since our miscarriage I haven't been feeling well. My anxiety is coming back, and I am starting to feel every little pain and with that I feel like something is always wrong with me. I have been on Xanax as needed for my panic disorder, and was off it for just about year, so we could ttc. I started taking them again the other day and I feel like I have let myself down. I have been dealing with panic for over 10 years, and have learned to cope and move on with my life. I think I became numb when I miscarried, so I would not panic. My family and friends commended me on how strong I was, I didn't even cry until a week later. In some way I think even though I was strong.... it was not the time to be.... I think I needed to break down, and let it out.... I think I needed to be upset, and bitter?????? I know it was out of my hands but when I think about it now.... I feel like I cheated myself of that grieving.... Don't get me wrong, I cry myself to sleep sometimes.... I think about my child every day.... but I don't feel like I have it all out...... I want to talk about it with my Husband, but I don't want to keep hurting him, and making him think about it all the time..... I don't even know what else to say.... I have said it all.... I have screamed why!!!??? I have said it's not fair...... I have cried I want my baby, but it still feels like it isn't enough..... I know I will never get over it and I know the world is moving on with or without me.... but I just want a break..... I want the anxiety to stop... and get back to being happy again......