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JulesInTexas · 06-09-2009, 06:22 PM

I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that we don't get to keep this baby. I haven't started bleeding yet and I think that's the hardest part. I guess I just always had it in my head that a miscarriage meant I would be bleeding when I found out, not testing my beta levels and when they weren't doubling or even coming close to doubling, that would be the start of this process. And that puts me in total denial that it is even happening and gives me hope that there is a chance that maybe something was wrong with all the tests and I'm not going to miscarry.

I can't concentrate on anything and I go to the bathroom at work fearing that the bleeding starts while I am here and how do I walk back out of the bathroom and just sit back down at my desk for the rest of the day.

My DH and I went to a play this weekend and I told DH - Baby Nugget has already been to a first play! Everything we've done the last week I'd tell DH that it was Baby Nugget and I doing it and then we'd smile at each all goofy.

I go back in to the doctor tomorrow to get more bloodwork done and all I think in my head is that they call me tomorrow afternoon and I'm sitting at work and they tell me that my beta levels miraculously started to double and this pregnancy still has a chance. I know it's not going to happen, but I think it in my head just the same...that small glimmer of hope that this really isn't happening.