s~tyro

I'm losing hope. I'm just not sure it's meant to be. We've went through rounds/cycles of infertility so many times I've lost count over the last nine years or so. We've had many miscarriages that occurred early. A couple of years ago we decided to just let it go because we were both emotionally exhausted. That same month we had a BFP. We were shocked to say the least. This pregnancy made it the farthest, but on Christmas Eve I didn't feel any movement or anything, so we went to the doctor that morning. Our beloved baby had died. I was so distraught I didn't want an autopsy, etc. I went into shock, denial, anger, etc. I just thought it wouldn't happen to me...I'd wanted it for so long and then finally had it, but then in an instant it was all gone. I came home from the hospital, only to look at a bassinet, clothes, and toys that would never get used. It's been a year and a half now and still no babies. Maybe I should close this chapter in my life because I don't know how much more my heart can take. I feel like I haven't been living my life because I've been so focused on babies. I just need to accept the fact that I may never get to be a mom. It's finding that acceptance that's the problem/hard part!

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