PCOS Message Board - View Single Post - Freaking out (long-bear with me please)

storm172666 · 06-22-2009, 11:57 AM

Hi. A few years ago I began to have spotty or nonexistent periods and in google diagnosing myself I came to adamantly believe I have cervical cancer. I have serious anxiety/paranoia issues. After spending/wasting months of my life preparing for sure death even though I had no type of confirmation as I didn't even want to go to a doctor I went and was diagnosed with PCOS due to the irregular periods, elevated testosterone, and elevated blood sugar. I was also found to have elevated liver enzymes and through ultrasound was told it was fatty liver due to being overweight since I don't drink at all. That was about 6 years ago. I was on Metformin for a while but it didn't agree with me at all. My gyno suggested I get on Yasmin for the benefits to PCOS and because I had recently started my first relationship, so double the benefits. I've been on it 3 years now with no (known) problems. I haven't really worried too much about the PCOS, except to convince myself that I will never be able to have children and try to give up on that dream. Sometimes I cry when I hold a baby because I want to be a mother so badly it kills me inside to think I'm not able to.
A couple of times within the past year or so my mother (I get the hypochondria from her) has remarked that one of my ankles seems swollen. I haven't paid any mind to it until recently when she again mentioned it and told me I could be dying and not know it. Of course I did a search and glaring back at me are cirrhosis, diabetes, kidney disease! I've now become obsessed and pretty much diagnosed myself with either one of those or all three. I can't stop myself. I've again started planning my death. I know I should just go to a doctor and get a check up, but sometimes I feel I'd rather not know, rather not have a confirmation of anything because I truly feel I would end up in a mental ward. I haven't had a check up other than gyno in years and I just don't want to find out what the hell else is wrong with me or how much worse I've made things for myself by not losing much weight. I try to reason with myself that I can't/shouldn't diagnose myself, especially based on only one symptom or issue when the swollen ankle could be caused by an old sprain, walking incorrectly, wrong type of shoes, the birth control, or just being overweight itself. So I can be logical, but it only lasts a few minutes before I'm once again freaking out with my heart racing and all these thoughts going through my head about dying. I'm recently engaged and know this should be a happy time in my life. I'm only 28 and I'm wasting time worrying so much it's impacting me. I think of breaking it off since I might be really sick and probably won't be able to give him kids anyway. I know none of you can diagnose me, but I guess I'm just looking to share what's going on with me since I have no one in my life I can talk to these things about because I don't want to seem crazy and I don't want to worry anyone either.