19 years since MC

Sillie · 03-10-2005, 05:31 PM

I'm new to this site and I have been reading all your posts. It's so nice to know that there are other people out there with the same problems. I've been weeping since I started reading them, and I wanted to add my two cents.

I MC twins in my 5th month back in 1985. I wasn't allowed to grieve then. No one understood. There was no one to talk to and even my dr. said to just "forget about it".

We have never gotten pregnant again after that. I was diagnosed with PCOS shortly after MC. We tried for 10 years to conceive - no luck. I gave up after that....too painful.

Well, I'm 40 now, and DH is 44. He wants to TTC one last time, so now I am confronted with all the hope and probable loss one more time. I don't know if I can go through it. I'm probably too old now.

I suffer with all the symptoms of PCOS, depression being one of them. I'm on trazadone, and lexapro and a million other asthma drugs. I feel like a walking pharmacy just to get through the day. What right do I have trying to have a baby? Obviously God didn't choose to bless me all those years ago. Or give me a second look ever since then, why set myself up to fail again?

DH doesn't want to adopt, and they probably wouldn't let us anyway.

Feeling a little blue today.

Thanks for listening.

PJC · 03-10-2005, 05:46 PM

I lost a baby last July, she was born at 24 w 2d and lived for 4 days. I can't believe your doc said to "forget about it"!! I will never forget Anna, just as I'm sure you've never forgotten your little one. You are NOT too old, if that's what you and DH want to do. Have you thought about seeing someone high risk for a consult? Maybe they can narrow down why you delivered so early and do something to prevent it from happening again. There's also lots they might be able to help you with to get pregnant again, if you ask them (sometimes you have to demand!). You are certainly not "undeserving" of a baby, because you suffer from depression. Please don't think that! Big (((hugs))) to you!

CathyWood · 03-10-2005, 07:25 PM

Hi Welcome to SC. I am glad you found us. Sorry about what your doctor said. If you need to chat find me. See you around.

VivC · 03-10-2005, 09:55 PM

I won't turn this into a rant. I won't turn this into a rant. I won't turn this into a rant.

Okay - I can't help it. How the Hell did that man get a freaking license to practice medicine? I can't believe he was that incompassionate. My doctors cried with me when Rivi died (24W5D - he lived for one day).

"What right do I have trying to have a baby?" As much right as anybody else. How many people have babies who don't deserve them? How many people never cherish the time they have with their children? You would. I think a prior loss actually sets us up to be better Mommies to future babies, because we appreciate it all so much more.

"Obviously God didn't choose to bless me all those years ago. Or give me a second look ever since then, why set myself up to fail again?" Um, I'm still VERY angry with God, but I won't vent that all over your post. Here's my question, though. Why would God choose to bless all of those above-mentioned women who DON'T deserve any blessings at all? What do they have that you don't have? I've come to the conclusion that sometimes God drops the ball; sometimes he does really stupid things that none of us can understand. But in NO WAY was your loss a punishment to you. I refuse to believe in a God that vengeful. The God I'd like to worship is loving, and He would never force somebody to live this pain.

Please find some peace. You can always come here! And, if it turns out that you can't have biological children, have you considered fostering? That can often lead to adoption, and the rules aren't as strict. I have a friend who did that recently, and she's very happy (she fostered a three-year-old for a year, then was cleared to start the adoption process).

Pamela · 03-10-2005, 11:26 PM

Sillie, I'm so sorry about your loss and what that stoopid doctor said. You need to grieve for your babies!!!!! You can do it here and we will always listen.
Now I want to tell you a bit about me. I'm a few yrs older than you. I have a doughter that is almost 21, I concieved her before my PCOS dx. I got married when she was 10. I got pg 2 months after i got married, lost that baby at 13 wks. Seven months later I got pg again--it was a tubal. We tried for 10 yrs, clomid, injectables--nothing worked. We gave up. Nine months after we gave up I GOT PG!!!!!!!!! It was right before my 42nd BD. We were shocked!!!!!!!! Happily shocked!!!! DS is a little over a yr now!!!
I was only on metformin, but it helped!!!!

I'm telling you all this because I want to give you hope!!! YOU ARE NOT TOO OLD!!!!!!!!!!
You DO have the right to have a baby. Find a good doctor and that will help. This site is chock full of great info that will help you become knowlegable about PCOS!!!!
You hang in there hon!!!!!
We are here for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
((HUGS)))
Pam

Sillie · 03-11-2005, 01:06 PM

Wow!! Thank you all for your kind words. I've never really talked about any of this before. I've been trying to ignore all the feelings I've been having because I thought I was supposed to. Thanks for letting me talk about it.

We have an appointment with the dr. on Tuesday to see if it's worth trying to get pregnant this final time around. I remember the doctor mentioned something about a drug called metformin or something like that, and I see that alot of people have conceived while on this drug. What does this drug do?

Thanks for all your hugs. :-)

Pamela · 03-11-2005, 02:00 PM

Met is a drug that is mostly used for Type 2 diabetics and women with IR due to PCOS. For me it regulated my cycles, and I ovulated. I also lost weight on it.
Let us know how your appt goes.
Pam

you can also go over to the metformin forum and check it out!!! Tons of great info there!!!

PJC · 03-11-2005, 02:16 PM

Sillie,

Metformin is a diabetic medication whch is now used for many women with PCOS because they often have Insulin Resistance. When we eat too many carbs (the bad ones), our bodies produce more insulin. The more we eat, the more we produce. Eventually we'll produce too much insulin, and our cells being constantly bombarded with it will eventually just become resistant to it and the extra insulin in our blood is also what "helps" us to gain weight. IR is a precurser to diabetes. It's really a viscious cycle! Somehow the extra insulin screws up our hormones (like in our ovaries) and periods become irregular (or even completely absent), because we won't ovulate due to the messed up hormone situation. This is why many times we can't get pregnant. The metformin does something to regulate the insulin (not sure on that!-maybe someone can explain this better) and many women's hormones become more "normal" and eventually ovulate and get more regular periods. That's it in a nutshell, Im sure someone else can explain things better.

I wish you the best at your appointment next week! Let us know how things go! I should have told you this in my last post, but I'm sorry for the loss of your twins. Feel free to work out your grief here with us-we all understand and are here for you. And don't be afraid to ask questions-there are so many intelligent women around here who would be happy to help.

GabrielsMom · 03-11-2005, 05:21 PM

Sillie, thanks for sharing your story with us. I always wonder how things will be for us decades into the future. I know that times have changed and that society's views on child loss have changed as well. But I was still surprised at the lack of sympathy you had as recently as 1985. I'm sorry you had to endure that. It's hard enough even WITH people telling us we can grieve and talk it out.

Welcome, and I wish you the absolute best in your TTC endeavors. You aren't too old!

SheriKCMO · 03-11-2005, 06:19 PM

Many Hugs coming your way! Long overdue hugs, friend.

You are a mother, and no one can tell you otherwise. Those precious babies are yours forever, and don't let anyone tell you how to feel about your own children. Thank goodness that I had support here and in real life when I lost my daughter. Now I know just how fortunate I am for that. It is never too late to deal with feelings, and I hope you will let it all flow as it needs to. Did you name your babies?

I'm so sorry that your twins were lost... many of us have had second trimester losses, and it seems that there must be a link to pcos. None has been scientifically established, so we have a long wait ahead for someone to figure this out and fix it. Those of us who have gone on to have full term babies after such a loss have used bedrest and/or cervical cerclages to keep them inside, and it has worked well. There is hope.

I wish you peace,
Sheri

mandygirl · 03-12-2005, 01:19 PM

I have a question for you ladies. I am a little over 13 wks pg. I have PCOS and don't feel like my doc is taking my concerns seriously. I've noticed that many cysters have miscarried later into their pregnancies, at 20 wks and later. What were these mc caused by?

PJC · 03-12-2005, 01:59 PM

Hi Mandy,

I know many of the women here who delivered their babies at 20 weeks plus (and some before that, too) had issues with their cervix (Incompetent Cervix). My new doc can't say for sure if it was IC or PTL (preterm labor) because we're not sure if I was dilating first and then went into labor because of it, or if I started contracting first and then started dilating. We are leaning towards IC, however. If this is a concern to you (and I wish I knew that this could happen to me and I was armed with this info), express your worries to your doc and see if he/she will do some early u/s and continue to do them through the critical period (17-23 weeks, although it can happen earlier and later, too) to check your cervical length. Unfortunately the only way we catch it is usually because we have a loss. Occasionally it can be caught early, but that's not the norm because most of the time we're not looking for it if it's never happened to us. Personally, I think all women with PCOS should have extra monitoring during their pregnancies because we do seem to suffer from various complications. Unfortunately it always comes down to the bottom line and we don't get it unless we DEMAND it!

PJC · 03-12-2005, 02:01 PM

Oh Mandy, I forgot to add, best of luck to you and your little one for a happy and healthy 9 months (and beyond!)!

mandygirl · 03-12-2005, 02:36 PM

Hey...thanks for the replies. I have read a bit on here about IC and wasn't sure if it was caused by previous gynecological surgeries or just as one of the symptoms/side effects of PCOS. I just moved to the area that I'm living in last August, so I'm not all that familiar with the doctors here and I had to ask around to find a gynecologist. My doctor is aware that I was diagnosed with PCOS, but I've never really been on meds for it, other than met for a short time. I mentioned being concerned because I'd read about miscarriages resulting from incompetent cervix and I felt like he kind of brushed my concerns aside. I'd rather to be safe than sorry, though. If (God forbid) this pregnancy does end in miscarriage, I'd want to know for sure that I'd done everything possible in my power to prevent it, you know? I have already had an ultrasound at around 9 weeks to check the yolk sac and to make sure the implantation was okay. I have also had my vaginal exam (pap smear, etc.) and to make sure I am capable of having a vaginal delivery. Would they have been able to tell if I had weakened cervix by those two procedures or is there something special they have to do? Sorry for my ignorance about all these issues, but I'm kind of intimidated by PCOS.

PJC · 03-12-2005, 11:07 PM

Mandy,

Don't worry in the slightest about not knowing! Unfortunately I am learning this now as well. They usually measure your cervix through u/s-either abdominal or vaginal, but they don't always do it. I totally hear you about wanting to do everything you can-you want to be informed, I wish I had known more about this myself. While everything may progress fine w/your pregnancy, if you are concerned please keep on your doc about it. I'm finding that they don't really like being questioned when we're that well informed, but we're the ones who have to live with the outcomes not them, right? Sometimes IC is caused by certain gyn procedures and/or exposure to DES (if your Mom took it while she was pregnant with you) and those are risk factors. My new doc says there is no link between IC and PCOS, but I'm seeing way too much of it here in pcos sufferers, so I'm not so sure I agree with her on that.