2 nd m/c

Annie_au · 05-11-2004, 08:20 AM

I never thought I would be posting here again , but I am. I found out i was pregnant back in February after suffereing a m/c in December last year. Everything was great this time round in the begining, nice progesterone , nice hcg, everything! I even heard the heartbeat at 6 weeks 5 days, then again at 7 weeks 6 days it was 153, then again at 9 weeks. I has m/s and all sorts of other pregnancy symptoms, I was finally feeling pregnant and so happy to have the m/s.
We reached the 12 week mark and we went out for dinner and celebrated, my next scan was at 13weeks, the morning of my scan I started bleeding, I was soo scared, they rushed me in for my ultrasound and then he told me my baby had died, roughly at 12 weeks 2 days, he /she just looked so peacefull, the cord had detached itself from the placenta. It was just the worst moment of my life, I just wanted to lie there and look at my baby!!.
The doctor wanted to do a D&C , but i refused, I wanted to pass the baby natrually. I was given a week to pass otherwise I would of had to, luckily the baby passed, the day my DH was put in for gallbladder removal op. That was the hardest thing to go thru alone, the baby was so tiny!!! I just sat there and stared at him/her for the longest time before i could bring myself to put it in a little box to burry. The last three weeks have been so hard on me, I couldnt cry at first , i just felt so empty and numb, plus I felt heartless for not crying, but then a week later, I just cried and couldnt stop. I dont feel like seeing people, cause they always say the same things " you know you can get pregnant, it happened twice""it was all for the best" you can always try again"heaps of stuff I find absoluetly heartless, but once again, I know they think they are helping. sorry for the spelling mistakes too!!. I just want to talk to people who know whatI am going thru because they have been thru it too. Sorry for rambling and probably not making sense.
I'm not sure what happens now, I know I can not go thru this anymore, as much as I want a baby, I just cant do it again!
Thank you all for reading!!!

Annie.

white1456 · 05-11-2004, 08:35 AM

Annie,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can only imagine the pain and grief you are going through. You will be in my prayers.

Take care.

Lisa

Vaughn · 05-11-2004, 11:08 AM

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. There is nothing I can say that will take the pain away but just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I've had two miscarriages as well but earlier than yours. I have had the exact same feeling as you about not wanting to go through it anymore. Honour your feelings and don't try to label them as good or bad they just are. Take care of yourself.

Vaughn

*Clarissa* · 05-11-2004, 04:54 PM

Oh, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I just had my first mc last month. Well it wasn't really a m/c. Like you I went in for an u/s and found out that the baby had died. I decided to have a D&C, because I didn't think that I could handle seeing it.

My heart goes out to you. It goed out to all of us. And yes people do tend to say the most insensitive things to us. My personal favorites are, "Nature has a way of taking care of things," " You still have your son," and "There was probalby something wrong with it." Yes I do have my son, but that has nothing to do with losing a baby. Would they give up one of their children but keep the other and everything be okay? And if there was anything wrong with it I would have still been a good mommie and loved and cared for it. And Mother Nature can kiss my a**. Unfortunantly we will have to learn to become numb to the dumb things that these people say.

Everything that you are feeling is completely normal. I am so sorry that you were alone. You are never alone here. We are all here to listen and to talk to.

prayinggodravita · 05-12-2004, 02:40 AM

hi,
I am so sorry about whatever happened to you.....There are no words that could make you feel better.But I can feel and understand ur pain.please take care of yourself...lol,
ravita

Julie v · 05-13-2004, 12:53 AM

Annie,
I remember just hearing people say they were so sorry for our loss made me feel at least people cared. Just the acknowledgement from other people that my child existed, and I had the right to grieve gave me some relief. These emotions are real, and strong, and sadly they linger.
I found out my pregnancy was over at a routine OB appt. when the US showed the heart had stopped. I was two days shy of the glorius 12 week mark. You are a remarkable women for miscarrying at home alone escpecially being that far along. Give yourself time to grieve. Time does lessen the stinging pain, but your heart will always ache. My D&C was April 8th. I still grieve for my child, but I can tell each day I am happier, and getting back to myself. I don't think I'll ever be "over it" until I have my complete family.
Take care,
Julie v.

Annie_au · 05-13-2004, 01:07 AM

Can I just say , thank you to all of you wonderful women!!!! And also I am so very sorry for your losses as well. When I was writting my post the other day, I felt like I was the only one in the world that had gone thru it, I knew other people had, but I was just feeling so alone.
Julie, thank you for saying I was a remarkable woman, choosing to pass my baby natrually took alot of gutts ( hope that isnt a bad word to use) to do. Everyone said, just do the D&C get it over with, but I wanted to see as much of my baby as I could. Does that make any sense ?? everyone in my family thought I was nutts. I wanted my chance to say goodbye. And I am glad i choose to pass him/her.
My MIL is a very religous person , and she said to me the night I found out my baby died, god loves you and he will give you a healthy baby, I turned to her and said, to me now, there is no god and I hate him for what he has done. Looking back on it now, I shouldn't have said it, cause it has just caused family hassles, DH mum can not forgive me for what I said, I only said it out of anger and saddness. I also said alot of things to DH out of anger, I guess you always try to find someone to blame, I spent most of the time blamming myself thou.
I have booked in to see a m/c counsler, because I am just not coping at all. But having all your wonderful girls here , girls who know what I am going on about and going thru, does really make it that little bit easier. Once again, thank you all so very much from the bottom of my heart!!!!!...... Take care.

Annie.

prayinggodravita · 05-13-2004, 03:15 PM

hi annie,
I am happy to see you trying cope ....I know it's not at all easy...take your own time to grieve...It's oaky if u were angry and said that God did'nt exist....U are human too.I wish ur MIL had'nt taken it the wrong way...U will definitely get over all the pain ur have been undergoing...U are a strong woman and u will do it!!and do not blame urself for whatever happened...
lol,
ravita

kcal · 05-13-2004, 10:19 PM

I know exactly what you are going through. I had two micarriages before Colin. I thought that we were never going to be blessed with a baby. I had a D&C with the first pg and it was natural with the 2nd pg. DH and I thought positive that the third time is the try. We were blessed with a baby 7 wks ago. Take time to heal emotionally and physically. You will be in my prayers. Take care of yourself.

Kim

kwannabee · 05-14-2004, 11:51 AM

Annie...i'm just wanting to let you know that i'm thinking of you...i feel a connection to everyone who has ever lost a child...and my story is spewed all over these boards. When you said you didnt cry at first...that just took me right back to when i had to call the nurse to come get my babies...i knew they;d died in my arms a while ago but i couldnt give them up...we just rocked for hours. I didnt cry then either...but afterwards...well the cysters here know...i've spewed everything! Once the floodgates open theres no stopping it!

I'm glad you reached out...and just take it day to day...

take care