PCOS Message Board - View Single Post - I am so sad today... feel like I'm letting dh down (long)

Bethany · 04-27-2003, 06:53 PM

I have been having a really hard month, I need to vent, I hope you don't mind.
I have a good friend Sara who I met b/c she is dating Greg, my husband's best friend. We've been a little 4some for the past 6 yrs, since we started dating at about the same time. Sara knows all about my fertility problems. I didn't know it until now but Sara went off the pill in Jan 2003.
Well, I went off the pill in Jan 2001... since then I have had a lot of trouble getting pg. I did manage to get pg twice but both ended in m/c's (both chemical). On Friday Sara told me she is 8 weeks pregnant. She is oblivious to the fact it hurts me (I am hiding it well b/c she is ecstatic). Her due date is in Dec (same as mine if I didn't m/c) I am truly happy for her but I am sad for me.

Part of the reason it is so hard for me to see her pregnant is b/c our guys are best friends, & they have both wanted kids for a long time. Just about everyone else in our tight-knit circle already has kids, so Greg & my dh sort of comiserated with each other that they still didn't. It really saddens me to see Sara being able to give Greg something (within 2 months of stopping the pill!!) that I have tried (& failed) for over 2 years to give my beloved dh. I hate it that dh will see Greg with something Sara could give him that I can't. I am afraid he wants to leave me, or will want to leave me, or that if he had know about this fertility problem he wouldn't have married me. He admitted to me that part of the reason he wanted to get married was to have children. I guess that is normal.

I feel like a failure as a wife, inadequate, & a big disappointment, I feel like he got a raw deal marrying me & like I am lettting him down terribly. I am acting like someone I can't stand, moody & weird, he asked me on Friday if I am trying to push him away & I said yes, I guess I am (b/c I feel like he should be free to start over with someone normal & fertile). I don't want to drag him down, if he wants out of this marriage then I want to let him go b/c I love him more than anything in the world & I want him to be happy. Sometimes I feel like I need to do more to make up for my infertility in order to still deserve him... more housework, cook more meals & better meals, not argue, & when I do fight with him I fear that I pushed him too far & now he'll want to leave.
I know in my head that what I am doing is stupid & might end up being a self-fulfiling prophecy but I can't stop feeling like dh deserves better. He is the strong silent type, unemotional, so he isn't very good at reassuring me that he's still glad he married me, & wants me for me -- with or w/o babies. To top it all off, on Friday he told me that he doesn't want to be old when he has kids, & there might come a day that he wants to stop trying! This was a shock & it scares me. I feel like my life is an episode of Sex & the City, like Charlotte & Tre - she was infertile, they tried fertility treatments for awhile, he decided he didn't want a baby anymore.
OK I am taking a deep breath... I know I sound like a total headcase but I just HAD to get that out. I am normally a really happy person, I hate feeling this way. These are my deepest & most irrational feelings & fears. Even if no one reads this, I feel a little better.