3rd M/C in a row. I am out of hope

anivan · 03-22-2005, 02:06 AM

This is the first time I have been able to post since losing my fourth baby (3rd pregnancy) on March 8th. It's been too hard to think about coming back here. I have a some questions:

First off, for anyone suffering with recurrent m/c, how do you handle the constant dissapointment and loss? I am completely out of hope and I don't think I will ever hold my baby in my arms. I feel so empty and life hardly seems worth living without the promise of a child.

I'm devastated, but do you think it's "normal" to almost be accustomed to the pain? It hurts just like the others ones did, but it's like the same old story feeling. All of my friends and family are running out of things to stay to me and I am starting to feel like the girl who cried "I'm pregnant" Only to let everyone down once again.

I am starting to physically hate pregnant women. Every time I see one, I almost get sick with anger and jealousy. I was so happy not to have to deal with a waiting room full of pregnant women when I did my last blood draw and wouldn't you know it, the nurse taking my blood was like ten and a half months pregnant. I almost turned and ran! Is this normal? I had the same feeling after my last m/c, but it seems to be getting worse...

My heart hurts and my arms ache. I know my pain isn't the same as those of you that lost full term or near full term babies, but I still hurt so much. How do you begin to feel like living again after something like this? The other two m/c's were hard, but this time I have really lost all faith and I don't think I have anything left to live for. I'm not suicidal, but the sadness and bitterness is almost more than I can bear.

SheriKCMO · 03-22-2005, 05:26 AM

Ann,
Too much of what you said hits home for me. I know, I have so much to live for, especially now, but I still feel the pain that you are talking about. How on earth can such terrible things in our lives be dealt with and survived? Especially multiple times like this? Sometimes when I've talked to people who are further along in this process, it helps to see them thriving (at least on the outside) with whatever life has brought them since their loss or losses. Somehow we manage to go on.

Please don't compare your losses with others as any less valid, because you've been through a lot, and we all have lost babies here, along with the hopes and dreams that we have for them.

It's completely normal to feel that way about pregnant women. Don't feel bad about it... I think it's just part of our grief process and will pass once you have a full term pregnancy for the most part.

Major Hugs coming your way! I wish this wasn't happening to you again and am so sorry!

Sheri

Tetley · 03-22-2005, 10:29 AM

I'm so sorry. This is so crap.

I remember when i lost Connie being absolutely convinced that no heart could go on functioning when it was labouring under such pain. I was forever surprised that it kept beating. The feelings you speak of really strike a cord with me. I can relate to everything you said. I wouldn't pretend to know what it is like to lose again. I know what I went through last year was hell. I hate that you've had to go through this again.

Again, I'm so very sorry.

Luv & hugs from across the Atlantic

Tetleyx

kadie · 03-22-2005, 12:30 PM

Anivan...I feel so many of those same things...again...

I had to go to Target last night to get a few things, and I swear to you, EVERY WOMAN THERE WAS PREGNANT!!!! I just felt so much anger & bitterness & hatred & jealousy & sadness...and it made me want to throw up.

How do we overcome the bad feelings and get back to being the good people we are??

How do people sustain their faith through all of this? I am so angry with God...and is that fair? I mean, babies are a miracle, right? Then why do those who don't appreciate that miracle get it, and we can't?? And that makes me feel like a bad person, and then I guess maybe that's why I don't have it -- b/c I don't deserve it either.

My biggest fear is that I'll never get past this -- that I'm going to be an angry, bitter, horrible woman for the rest of my life. And I can't seem to stop myself from spiraling down that path!!!!!

I will never get over this...but I need to somehow get through it. And I don't know how. And I don't think I have the strength. It took everything I had to get out of bed again today...it was harder than yesterday, which was harder than the day before.

How much longer can we battle ourselves?

saluki_fan · 03-22-2005, 12:45 PM

Hi ladies.

Quote:

for anyone suffering with recurrent m/c, how do you handle the constant dissapointment and loss?

Ann, I couldn't exactly tell you how I handle it. These past 2 ones, although painful, happened very early - right after I found out I was PG - and my hormone levels weren't so high. I'm just very sad. Not an hour goes by when I don't think about it. My friends don't know what to say to me. My brother avoided me for a while, although we are OK now. All my sister can say is "I've never had any maternal feelings so I could never understand how you feel." At least she's being honest, I'll give her that.

Quote:

How do we overcome the bad feelings and get back to being the good people we are??

I'm trying to focus on everything else in my life - going for walks with my dog, spending lots of time with my friends, putting in my best efforts at work. Many of my immediate co-workers do know what I'm going through and have been incredibly supportive - sometimes they are more like family then co-workers. A lot of my co-workers have been through this as well. Our HR Director had 3 losses in a row, our President and his wife had 2 m/c and a stillborn girl after their first 2 daughters were born, our Procurement Manager lost twins at 16 weeks - on her own birthday - another lady had 3 m/c in a row, etc. So most of my co-workers are not strangers to grief.

Quote:

I'm devastated, but do you think it's "normal" to almost be accustomed to the pain?

Unfortunately, yes, I think it's "normal" to be accustomed to this pain. Two weeks ago when I started bleeding, I didn't even cry at first. I yelled to DH from the bathroom, "It's happening again, this is like some sick kind of joke" and then after it sank in, I got upset.

Quote:

I am starting to physically hate pregnant women. Every time I see one, I almost get sick with anger and jealousy. I was so happy not to have to deal with a waiting room full of pregnant women when I did my last blood draw

I'm getting frustrated too. When I see a PG woman, I tell myself "You don't know what she went through to get that way" and it helps me cope. I imagine that woman going through my pain and then I can feel better about her. I do agree that it STINKS to sit in the lobby of your OB's office with a bunch of PG women. Oooohhh...I hate that. I told my OB that when I was there last week, and he said he understood (he and his wife had 2 m/c's before having their 3 children) and to focus on the older ladies in the waiting room, or if it got really bad tell the receptionist and they'll find a private place for me to sit. His receptionist is my friend's mother-in-law, so she always takes good care of me when I'm there.

My dad, who is very religious and very pro-life, has even started making comments about "God doesn't know what he's doing" and "If God were really pro-life, why is he killing my grandbabies." So I know that he is suffering too. It helps me to know I'm not alone.

You are NOT alone, Ann - we are all here for you.

~Traci~ · 03-22-2005, 03:00 PM

{{{{HUGS}}}} I'm so sorry

I could have written your post several times over the past 2 years. I was completely accustomed to the pain up to the 4th loss. The 3rs loss just kinda hit me but after the 1st 2 losses I was used to it (not to say that I was used to it but I just knew it would happen). The 4th loss just about killed me. It was like I had been punched in the stomach several times. It made it worse b/c I thought I was m/c'ying & then stopped spotting so I thought everything was ok until 2 weeks later when I went in for an u/s and was told that I was m/c'ying.

We never told anyone we were pg after the 2nd loss. We never told anyone about the 1st loss either b/c it was so early before we ever got to tell anyone about it to begin with. After the 2nd loss, I was terrified that it would happen again so I never told anyone. It was difficult b/c we were basically alone in grieving but it was too hard to tell everyone about the m/c to begin with and I definately didn't want to do that again. Some of the comments that we received were not very good either so I definately didn't want to experience that again.

I couldn't stand to see pg women or see babies for that matter. It was horrible and I felt like a horrible woman for feeling that way but I just couldn't help it. It has gotten better but I still have those days sometimes.

I know this is going to be a little past where you are at right now but this is how I coped.
After the 4th m/c, I knew I couldn't mentally or physically go through another m/c. The desire to have a family was more than the desire to be pg. We decided to adopt (which had always been part of "the plan" but not so soon). We moved forward w/ a Chinese Adoption and are in the middle of it now. I have a new hope and that's how I've been coping w/ my m/c's. I know that for some couples, the desire to have a biological child outweighs the desire to have a child and that's fine but we were just at the point where we want a family and we wanted a guaranteed family. I was left w/ 3 choices: 1. IVF w/ PGD 2. Surrogate mother 3. Adoption. The 1st option is pretty expensive and no guarantee that you will have a live child. The 2nd option is just too risky for us and we really didn't want to do it. The 3rd option is more reasonable for us. We have a guarantee that it will happen and we can start our family. I did have to deal with the grieving of never being pg again or having a biological child but in the end, I had hope that everything would work out this time.

I'm sorry if I offended you or anything and if you didn't want to hear this you can just ignore it but I had to tell you everything from my perspective in how we're dealing with this.

{{{{HUGS}}}}
Traci

VivC · 03-22-2005, 04:01 PM

I'm sorry you're back. I suffered a later-term loss, and I don't think of my pain as being more than yours. We both lost our babies. I actually think I was luckier, since I got to carry Rivi longer, until he had a chance at survival. I don't know how you've survived four losses - I would have gone crazy by now.

I'm NOT handling this well. Most days, I put one foot in front of the other and force myself to move. Other days, I'm a little better. I'm never really happy - I feel like that died with my little guy. I keep finding myself obsessing over really stupid stuff, I guess because it keeps me from obsessing over my loss. I actually cleaned the baseboards with a toothbrush the other night!

Kadie asked, "How do people sustain their faith through all of this? I am so angry with God...and is that fair? I mean, babies are a miracle, right? Then why do those who don't appreciate that miracle get it, and we can't?? And that makes me feel like a bad person, and then I guess maybe that's why I don't have it -- b/c I don't deserve it either."

I haven't prayed since Rivi died. When I was pregnant, I read the 23rd Psalm everyday, inserting Rivi's name. When things went wrong, I redoubled my efforts, praying constantly. It didn't work. So I figure that since God wasn't listening then, he doesn't miss my prayers now. I know He's supposed to be perfect, but if that's so then He just doesn't care, or He doesn't exist, or He's punishing us for some reason, none of which I can accept and maintain sanity! So I don't get it. I think we all DESERVE to be happy, and God dropped the ball. I haven't figured it out past that.

JMO.

JAZNELL · 03-22-2005, 07:01 PM

I am sorry for your lost. I to have lost. I had 2 ectopic pregnancies back to back. My husband and I have been ttc for 2 years and last year we stopped. Last year was the first time that we decided that my obgyn wasn't being truthful. So, we decied to see a fertility specialist. This was the first time that I was diagnoised with pcos. Never heard of it before. I also had fibroid tumors. I had them removed a week and a half ago. Still feeling pain. But, I nearly lost my life the second time I had an ectopic and with that second try I lost one of my tubes. I still feel the pain. It is so hard for me because, my sister-in-law got pregnant around the same time. It hurts me to see her baby. I just break down and cry. I cannot visit my sister-in-law much anymore. She knew that we were trying to conceive. However, I still love her and her family. I know exactly what you are going through. Anyhow, my uterus is still in tact, no scar tissue or damages. My doctor stated that after a few months we should be able to try ivf or we can try one more time the conventional way. I am not excited about the conventional way since I only have one tube left. (my husband does not have any children and we have been married for 5 years) I am a little excited about trying the ivf. So, I know that God will bless you. We are all here and I am sure that we are all praying for one another.

JAZNELL · 03-22-2005, 07:27 PM

I am sorry for your lost. I to have lost. I had 2 ectopic pregnancies back to back. My husband and I have been ttc for 2 years and last year we stopped. Last year was the first time that we decided that my obgyn wasn't being truthful. So, we decied to see a fertility specialist. This was the first time that I was diagnoised with pcos. Never heard of it before. I also had fibroid tumors. I had them removed a week and a half ago. Still feeling pain. But, I nearly lost my life the second time I had an ectopic and with that second try I lost one of my tubes. I still feel the pain. It is so hard for me because, my sister-in-law got pregnant around the same time. It hurts me to see her baby. I just break down and cry. I cannot visit my sister-in-law much anymore. She knew that we were trying to conceive. However, I still love her and her family. I know exactly what you are going through. Anyhow, my uterus is still in tact, no scar tissue or damages. My doctor stated that after a few months we should be able to try ivf or we can try one more time the conventional way. I am not excited about the conventional way since I only have one tube left. (my husband does not have any children and we have been married for 5 years) I am a little excited about trying the ivf. So, I know that God will bless you. We are all here and I am sure that we are all praying for one another.

websissy · 03-23-2005, 12:56 AM

Ann - I'm sorry to hear of your losses and your pain.

I also had three miscarriages in a row in 2002. I had RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss testing) after the 3rd loss and discovered I had a blood clotting disorder. Finding this out gave me some hope that things might fare better the next time I got pregnant. I opted to just try on our own (metformin and natural BD) and did baby aspirin and prescription progesterone after ovulation. We also started our adoption approval process. 5 months later, the week we were approved for international adoption, I found out I was pregnant again. I started heparin and prayed for the this one to make it. I started bleeding at 5.5 weeks - I thought it was over, but was able to see my baby's heartbeat. I bled on and off my whole pregnancy - it was very scary. My baby was born early, but is doing fine now. I hope this gives you some glimmer of hope to read that there is room still for miracles to happen after many losses. I recently miscarried again (just ended after a month) and am somehow still try to keep hanging on to some hope. Knowing that adoption is still something we want to do helps keep my spirits lifted that we will be able to have another child.

Best wishes,

Gnzls924 · 03-23-2005, 02:51 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. You have definitely been through so much. My heart really goes out to you. You will be in my prayers.

For me, I feel as though I will never get over my loss, much to the dismay of the people around me. It will always be a part of me because its just not something that you "get over."

We are here if you need us. Please take care!

saluki_fan · 03-23-2005, 01:24 PM

Websissy - thanks for sharing your story. I am getting RPL testing done on April 12th. They suspect a blood clotting or autoimmune disorder for me too. I am very nervous, but hoping to find some kind of answers and treatment plan from it.

I love the new picture of Christian that is in your signature. My DH loves motorcycles, so I'm going to show him that pic.

anivan · 03-23-2005, 03:52 PM

Thanks to everyone for all the support. This is so hard, but it helps a lot to know that I am not alone.

Websissy,

I had the RPL testing done in November after my 2nd miscarriage and they found a couple of things (a balanced translocation in a couple of my genes and a partially mutated MTHFR gene. My husband's MTHFR was totally mutated) Even with these problems, the genetic counselor thought we would have a less than 2% chance of having a child with a birth defect. He didn't think any of the findings were contributing to the m/c's. My RE said he thought this was just a bad roll of the dice. When we got pregnant in February, I was started on twice daily Heparin injections, extra progesterone and extra folic acid on top of the pre-natals and the Met. We still lost our baby. Three miscarriages in a row isn't just bad luck in my opinion. I think we're missing something. They cancelled my HSG when they found the stuff in the genetic testing so I think that will be my first request when I go back. To me, this has to be either poor egg quality or something structually wrong with me.

I feel like we did everything we knew how to do with this one and I still didn't get past 6 weeks. This is all so frustrating and depressing. Thanks again for all the support, everyone. Ann

xtine_m · 03-30-2005, 06:55 AM

hi! I am sorry for your loss. I had my first m/c yesterday at 11 weeks and I can't explain the feeling. I know how hard it is so I really fall for you.

I wish I can bring you comfort.

saluki_fan · 03-30-2005, 04:44 PM

Xtine_M - sorry for your loss as well. We are part of a unique club that no one should have to belong to.