4th m/c, so lost

**Kristina921** · 02-05-2006 03:23 PM

I just don't even know what to do anymore. For some reason, I let myself get excited this time....I was bleeding but the doctor seemed hopeful because the bleeding had gone away and it was so early....They can't find anything wrong with me...I can get pregnant but I can't stay pregnant. 3 losses have been in the past year...I can't take this heart ache anymore. DH was stupid and told his mother about this already and we are going to visit them in 2 weeks so now I have to get all the pity looks and all the "it's going to be ok" speeches. I wish he could have just stayed quiet about it.

What if I can't even have children? We can't afford to adopt, we can't even really afford infertility tratement. We are going to have to do chromosome testing, that's all that's left that could be wrong...If we need to use donor sperm, it won't be covered and we can't afford donor sperm/IUI out of pocket. We certainly can't afford IVF if it turns out my eggs are bad....

I just don't know what to do anymore...I feel so lost. TTC has been my whole world for 5 years...It's like letting go of a dream...I think now I must come to the realization that I may never have children....I can't stand all the people who say..."well you are still young"..what does that matter? What's going to change in a year or two from now? Magically it will work and all the problems will be solved? I think I may need some counseling...I feel like I'm moving into a deep depression and it's not a place I want to be.

I guess I'll ask the doctor for a script for birth control pills...Bench myself for awhile...try and get healthy...lose some weight...I don't know what else I can do...I guess I just need some"me" time.

How do you get past the sadness?

**Amy H** · 02-05-2006 03:41 PM

Kristina - I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It doesn't matter how young/old you are a loss is a loss. And nothing is going to make it any easier. I was wondering if they have tested you for any blood disorders? There are some that cause m/c's that you can be treated for. I have anticardiolipin antibody syndrome - and give myself a shot everyday. Saulki-fan is a wealth of knowledge on this stuff and would probably be more than happy to answer any questions you have. Again, I am so sorry!!!! ((((HUGS))))

**deblynnc** · 02-05-2006 03:47 PM

{{{Kristina}}} I'm so sorry. I had 3 early m/c's myself. I know what you're feeling.

What kind of testing have they done?

In my case, it turned out I had a slight uterine septum that didn't show up on the HSG. What was happening is the babies were implanting there, but, since there was no blood flow, they couldn't grow very long. I had outpatient surgery to correct it.

More {{{HUGS}}}

Debbie

**SABTeacher** · 02-05-2006 03:49 PM

Kristina,

I am so, so sorry for your loss. It just always gets to me how unfair this whole TTC thing is! My heart goes out to you and your DH at this time.

I assume that you were tested for everything that could possibly cause recurrent miscarriages, including the blood clotting stuff? If so, maybe the chromosomal testing can shed some light on the situation for you.

I am like you, and live in a state that doesn't require insurance comapanies to cover infertility. It completely sucks that we have to come up with big bucks out of our pockets, when people who live in other states get to have their infertility treatments covered. I have heard of special programs that offer reduced price treatments for couples. I'm wondering if anyone here can share some information on that.

As for adoption, it is costly, but you do get a nice tax credit after the fact. I wonder if you could take a loan or borrow some money for it, and then you may be able to pay back a big chunk of it after you get that tax credit. If not, then you can pay it off slowly over time like a car loan or something.

I have only had 2 m/c's, and I know that this next attempt is our last one. I just can't go through the emotional ups and downs anymore. DH and I are giving this one last shot and we're starting the adoption process at the same time. The adoption expenses are high, but you don't have to pay it all out at once. There are fees over the course of the process, and the process takes more than a year (we are planning to adopt from China). When we get to the big expenses, we will probably have to take out a home equity loan. It'll be rough, but the costs are more than worth it to me.

Again, I'm so sorry and I hope you get some answers soon so that you can get some peace.

Shari

**SABTeacher** · 02-05-2006 03:53 PM

As for how to get through the sadness, you don't. IMHO, you need to let yourself go through all the emotions in order to truly heal. Cry if you need to cry. Be mad at God if you need to. Avoid seeing friends/family who are pregnant for a while if you need to. Do what you need to because this is how a person heals.

And, concentrating on a healthy lifestyle while you get the testing done and decide on your plan of action is a great idea!

Good luck!
Shari

**TurtleLove** · 02-05-2006 05:47 PM

I agree with shari you don't get past the sadness. If it becomes overwhelming dont be afraid to ask for help though. I can not imagine your pain and I am so sorry to see when someone has to go through this so many times. I wish there were something helpful I could say or do. Good luck with your lifestyle change, I know that your losses can be a very powerful motivation to keep you on track. I wish you the best in whatever path you choose and I hope that someday your mommy dream will come true

**Tia38** · 02-05-2006 11:14 PM

Kristina -- huge hugs to you. You don't say how recently your m/c was, but it sounds pretty recent. Give yourself time to grieve. It's okay to be sad, mad, and most of the other things you mention in your post.

It's probably not what you want to hear, but as Shari asked, have they done testing on what might be causing your recurrent m/c? Sometimes they can't figure out what's causing the problems, but when they can there are often things they can do to help.

I can relate to most of what you're saying... and it's a lot to take in and you can't do it all at once. Baby steps can help. For now figure out your strategy to deal with MIL visit in two weeks. One possibility? Tell DH to call ahead and tell her not to bring it up at all. Plan B -- can you skip the visit completely? (Perhaps a work emergency or a sudden severe under the weather?) DH made the messy situation, get him to help clean it up.

In my case DH didn't get some of my sadness and problems. I eventually told him he didn't need to understand, but he did need to help me. I skipped a family visit bringing his parents to see his sister who was 8.5 months pg at the time. I had just m/c -- was actually m/c when his parents came for a week stay over Xmas. I just couldn't do the visit to the pg SIL so I didn't. DH wasn't happy but he got over it. We never told anyone on his side about the m/c (so I was luckier than you in that respect), so we told them work issues. It was awkard but better than me losing it on the visit.

You need to take care of yourself and protect yourself right now, whatever it takes. Yes, take some "me" time. DH may or may not get it, but ask him for concrete things to help you. Find and use all the support you can get. The folks here are awesome.

I'm very sorry for your loss and for what you're going through.
-Tia

**LaurAnnHere** · 02-06-2006 02:52 AM

I'm so sorry. Recurrent m/c hurts so bad. I've had to say goodbye to a total of 9 angels (6 during the time I was having fertility treatments). I had such a struggle with m/c myself. I had 6 first trimester m/c during the 3 years we were TTC. I felt like I was just going through the motions. Everywhere there were pregnant women and babies. I couldn't go anywhere, even in my own home, that I wasn't reminded by something of my own empty womb and empty arms.

I got pregnant with Jamie while low carbing. I stayed away from bad carbs my whole pregnancy. I really think that low carbing is what saved my son during the first trimester. I had a lot of bleeding and was never secure in my pregnancy, but he's here. He's 18 months old now.

**SheriKCMO** · 02-06-2006 02:08 PM

I'm very sorry for your tiny ones. Your broken heart is among friends here, and sometimes we can find a little strength in each other's stories. Those of us who have overcome whatever issue was taking our babies away can tell you that the sorrow is still there, right along with the amazing joy of holding our own child. We will always be the mother of those precious ones who left so soon, but we can find hope again and realize dreams, one way or another. I hope that you can find peace during your break and feel strong enough to decide what is right for you and DH. (((So many hugs)))

**Kristina921** · 02-06-2006 02:51 PM

Thank you all for your support. It means alot to me and it's also good to hear your stories. I am going today to draw more blood to see if the HCG is going down. I imagine it will drop almost to 0, I took another hpt yesterday and it was negative.

We have been tested for alot after the last m/c. It's got to be something with the implantation process...I am losing them before I even realize that I'm pregnant. (not that it hurts any less). My betas never get much past 100. I've never even gotten to the point where I've seen a heartbeat. I'm going to take a list of the things you all have mentioned to my next appointment and make sure he tested for all of it.

One thing I found strange is that I asked the doctor if he thought progesterone supplements after O would help. He said it wouldn't matter. I think I need to start seeing an RE. I like my doctor alot but I think I'm out of his league now.

Thank you all again.

**SABTeacher** · 02-06-2006 03:10 PM

In my experiences, OB/GYN's seem to be against giving progesterone supplements and RE's seem to be more in favor of it. Maybe an RE can help here.

**Mustard Seed** · 02-06-2006 03:38 PM

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. It does seem like it's time to see an RE, or a different dr. And I'm not sure why your dr would say that progesterone supplements wouldn't matter. I think a lot of the ladies on here can attest to the fact that it does matter, because as women with pcos, we all have a lot lower amount of progersterone than women usually have. I am praying that you are able to find some answers, and that God gives you His peace. (((((((hugs)))))))

**VivC** · 02-06-2006 06:01 PM

Kristina, I know that progesterone supplementation works, so I'd see an RE. Also, they'd probably know better what to test for. After this many losses, you need to be checked for genetic and clotting problems.

I forget who asked, but I know that Capital One has a financing program available for IVF. That's the only infertility treatment/testing not covered in my state.

Viv

**saluki_fan** · 02-08-2006 04:13 AM

Hi Kristina,

I am so sorry for your losses.

One suggestion...have you been tested for NK cells (Natural killer cells)? A lot of insurance programs won't cover that test, so doctors just skip it. (Mine did, although IF HE HAD ASKED I would have paid out of pocket for it.)

A hysteroscopy and endometrial biopsy might find some answers that an HSG wouldn't pick up as well. I had one of each done on April 12th of last year and although I came back "unremarkable" (good news in this context) it was the easiest surgery I've ever had.

Thinking of you,
Meghan

**Kristina921** · 02-08-2006 01:39 PM

I finally got my first beta number yesterday, hcg was 137. They took more blood on Monday and I'm waiting for that result. It should go down alot, I've still been spotting and the hpt is alot lighter. When I go back to the doctor I'm asking to be referred to an RE. I just don't think my doctor is trying hard enough to figure this out. He's a good doctor but I don't think he's qualified to deal with RPL.

Thanks all, hopefully they will call with the follow up beta today.

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