!! About Abuse...long!

sunstarmoon777 · 03-11-2004, 07:25 PM

I have been my friend Mary's "therapist" for over two years now. She is in an abusive relationship, mostly emotional, occasionally physical. I have read so much info. about it and I know that nothing I say will ever make a difference, but she still comes to me and I can't turn her away, although I know I should for the sake of my sanity.

In the past the physical violence hasn't been severe, he threw a beer on her and shook her, I'm not saying those aren't bad, they were HUGE red flags but she wasn't too worried about it and so I just ignored it b/c it seemed like a one time thing.

Lately things have been getting worse. He's failing his college courses, dealing and doing coke and on Valentine's day he snapped and strangled her. I was majorly concerned then. Then she tells me a week later he bought a GUN for his protection seeing as he is a drug dealer and all. It's unregistered. So for the past couple weeks all I can think about is her and his gun.

She calls me today and tells me last night he punched her in the face. Then as she was running out he tripped her and she fell on her face again, in front of all his friends...humiliated her.

There Spring Break is Monday and she and him were going to the Bahamas and now that's all she's worried about. If she is still going.

This guy IM'ed her and at first was very apologetic to which she was pissed off and once he saw she was pissed he switched up and started calling her names, told her he wished he hit her a long time ago, and that it wa the only way to shut her up, then he tried to put a guilt trip on her...saying my life is over so I might as well lose you too.

I'm freaking out. I feel sick to my stomach, I can't stop fidgetting, I think I might be haveing an anxiety attack. I am always thinking about her. Especially now that he has a gun, I couldn't forgive myself if she wound up dead.

I don't know what to do. My dad said to stay ou of it and that she needs to make her own decisions. I want to talk to her mom. She doesn't listen to me, my words fall on deaf ears. She was never like this before.

Megan
I'M FREAKING OUT!!!

AmyLynn156 · 03-11-2004, 07:49 PM

Megan...you need to keep trying to convince your friend to get out of this situation! I know it seems like she is not listening but she obviously comes to you for some reason! Is she scared to leave him? Maybe she should go to the police for her own protection! Try to talk her into leaving and going to the police...at least you will know that you have tried something! Hang in there...you are a GREAT friend!

alaskangrown · 03-11-2004, 08:22 PM

Ok, first my advise is given with the assumption that your friend is an adult and not a teen.

As a part time therapist (masters degree) I would advise you not to talk to her mother. There is a reason that she has not confided in her herself and you risk ailienating her further. The biggest reason that she comes to you is becuase she trusts you to keep things confidential. If she feels like she can't trust you then she will stop coming to you and you will be even more worried about her and she will be all alone. I agree that you should try to convince her to seek help and get out, but remember that you are not responsible for her and her actions, she is and unless she makes the choice to get help and get out then there is nothing else you can do except be her friend.

Misty

Lendi · 03-12-2004, 09:18 AM

Oh Megan. You are in a really difficult situation. Are you a college student? Is there a counselor you can visit with? Tell the counselor what you know, keeping your friends name anonymous if needed, see what they say you can do to help. Maybe if you go, you can get your friend to go with you. Or, get advice on how to help her so the pressure doesn't lie so heavily on you. It truly isn't your problem in that you can not control the outcome. Only your heart doesn't understand that so you're in pain as well. Keep the doors open with your freind so she knows there is somewhere she can run to. Remind her often that you care and do have an open door for her or that you can help her find a safe place. Hugs to you for being a great friend. Keep yourself safe. Hugs, Lendi

santa'sbaby · 03-16-2004, 10:37 AM

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this...reading this post has made me shake. There is one thing that I feel strongly about is violence especially towards women and children. Being on the outside and watching a friend go through this must be so tough for you. For being such a great friend a give you a ((((((((HUG))))))).

There is one problem here and what it all boils down to is your friend has some serious self esteem issues. This idiot has gone to great lengths to control her and has reduced her self worth to nothing. Therefore she feels like she needs him to survive. It's a horrible thing. You can only do so much hon. You know now from experience that she is not listening to you. Perhaps there are abused women's programs that may offer suggestions to help you get through to her. I would try and see if there are any resources available.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. You rock as a friend, and if we can be here for you when you need to vent, then let us be there for you. Please post an update as soon as you can.

Lots of Love,
April

sunstarmoon777 · 03-16-2004, 04:35 PM

Thank you so much for your replies. Mary is in the Bahamas as we speak with that jerk. They are back together and she is happy, she just seems to forget all the awful things he has done. I feel helpless. I still really don't know what to do. It's such a mess really. I am tired for one but I can't stop helping her. It's just that it's been two years and she calls me at all hours of the night and day crying and screaming and I talk and talk and then the next day or week things are back to "normal" and she forgives and forgets. I hate Todd, and when she gets back she wants me to hang out with them before they head back to school, oh and yes we are college students. I avoided her before she left b/c I knew if I saw Todd I would say something to him and then Mary would have been very upset with me. I am "stuck between a rock and a hard place". I still feel like I should say something to her mom, maybe anonymously so she Mary wouldn't know it was me. I know I shouldn't but I think it's really the only option. This boyfriend of hers needs help that he doesn't want to get, so then Mary has to get help. I'm undecided.

Megan