About ready to give up (may trigger)

hoping4help · 01-08-2005, 02:21 AM

Ya know, I would really like to come on here in a more positive mood, but I think I am about ready to give up. I am doing my part in communicating with my new obgyn, but he seems to be disinterested and won't call me back re: the bloodwork. My psychiatrist is doing nothing except criticizing me and condemning me, and I DO NOT DESERVE IT. I have cried too many tears and I have none left. Now I wonder if I should just take the Vicodin to get the high--started 75mg of Effexor this morning, see how that goes, but I really am asking for support so bad, I am in dire straits, it seems like nothing is ever going to change. I am so weak and so frustrated, I really want to die, and I apologize if that sounds selfish and/or offends anyone. I have just really had all a human being can take. I continue day after day to be so physically sick and will not see anymore docs or go to the ER because "nothing is wrong". I pray so hard, I watch Christian music, because I am a Christian, hoping I have even an ounce of strength to have faith that things will be ok, but it's just not there.
Truly at my wit's end. I lied down on my bed this evening just clutching my Bible to my heart, fell asleep for about an hour and woke up sick sick sick. I don't know what else to do, I just keep saying, God I cast EVERYTHING onto you, I cannot do this anymore, it seems nothing is going right, and I know it's not my attitude, guess it's just meant to be for this cyster.

hoping4help · 01-08-2005, 04:22 AM

Guess I have really hit bottom, I don't think I fit in here or anywhere in this world for that matter anymore.
Sorry to be on a pity pot, but unless aomeone who has walked in my moccasins, they wouldn't know what I'm feeling right now. Hopeless, disgusted with myself, unliked, unwanted, rejected, betrayed, abandoned, you name it and that is a terrible, sad way to feel. Not sure where I'm going, I just don't feel like I belong, and my mind is driving me insane, I have chest pains. 10 years of therapy and wow what a gem I am, I'm purposely dying a slow death, I just do not care anymore, I don't give a rat's @ss.
My intention, please understand, is not to post this and to bring others down, its just that have you ever been so down, the curb just didn't even look up? I hate myself, I wish God would just take me, I'm sick of breathing, my chest hurts from smoking, and I have no desire to care, and frankly I don't, it's sad for my family, but I fel so uncared for, so left behind.

Things could be worse, but there is so much none of you know what and how much I've been through, only to come to a place where I do not want to go on. I just want to be loved and cared about and i don't believe I truly am, when I'm such a downer, I can't see the positive in anything lately, it really sucks. I know resources to contact, but I won't do it. I've just had about enugh as I can handle, if ANYONE believes in prayer, please pray that some lost soul cyster has indeed lost her way and it's getting worse, I need to be restored, I'm extrememly depressed obvioulsy and there's so much, I can't even talk about it anymore. I'm literally killing myself with chain smoking, and my heart feels like it's about to explode.

I'll leave y'all alone now, I'm going to bed, where I can close my eyes and just hope I truly die.
Sorry, if you want me to leave, just please let me know, I am feeling so hopeless that I don't know where else to turn to besides a message bard online right now. It's so bad that I don't even want help, even though there are suicide websites, etc.. out there, its just getting to be too much. I'm desparate for some miracle or some form of restored health come my way.
Please dear God!
Goodnight cysters stupid post I know achhh

santa'sbaby · 01-08-2005, 07:38 AM

You know I believe in that passage.....so with the prayer I just said I choose to believe that God has you in his hands and will do what is best for you at this time.

It saddens me beyond belief that you are this upset. As your post said you know that there are resources out there to help you but you wont seek them. I will encourage you one last time to seek help now and to start acting like you give a damn about your life even if you don't believe it right now. I am not sure what happened here that you don't feel you fit in but I can assure you that every cyster on here belongs here.

It would be so wonderful if you had your miracle of restored health and maybe that is part of God's plan but the long and the short of it is it's obviously not part of his plan now there are other things he has in store for you. You were not a mistake when he created you he had goals, dreams and plans for you. I can assure you chain smoking yourself to death is not one of them. If you continue on that route you are cheating yourself of the life God intended for you. You are worth more than that. You have special gifts that need to be shared with the world. Please don't cut out now before your time on earth is suppose to be done.

I have a book called The Purpose Driven Life. It's an excellent book that answers the question. What on earth am I here for. It's by Rick Warren and if you would like I will send a copy to you. PM me your address or if you don't want to send me your address you can open a general mailbox somewhere in your area and I will send it to you.

God Bless and you are in my prayers. You are wanted, needed and loved.

April

Rasburry · 01-08-2005, 08:41 AM

You are wanted and needed at Soul Cysters. This is a place where you can belong no matter what. When you need to be lifted up, there is always someone to lift you up. When you are happy, there is always someone here to share your joy. You need to stick around a bit longer here so that so that you can put your eyes above the curb.

You have severe depression. Duh! Have you ever been told that before or am I the first one? lol. What you are FEELING; what you are experiencing: the desperation, hopelessness, feeling like you don't belong, feeling like you can't put another damn foot in front of the other to take another step........IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!! Depression is an illness just like PCOS. Do you fault yourself for having PCOS? No, you can't! It's a physical sickness. With depression, you can't see it. It's not like a cut on your arm where you can watch it bleed, see it scab over, have it heal in a few days. Depression is in your brain...it CAN affect us physically but it's basically like a terrorist that holds you emotionally hostage. If you don't find help that works or the right medicine, it leads you to such a dark and paralyzing place. I've been there. I've hit bottom. I've been unworthy; a misfit, a victim of this world and some kind of cruel joke. I've been to the place where I was envious of the happy and functional. That's why I told you the other day fake it till you make it. If you don't want to help yourself, do it for someone else (your family, your friends, those who love you). Go visit a home for the terminally ill. Go visit children in a cancer ward of the hospital. YOU HAVE LIFE. Like it or not. You have air in your lungs. You have eyes that can see. You have your senses, and health, but you have to find your WILL.
If you are hoping for help, you will find it. Just don't lose the hope; no matter how little of it you have. You're at the end of your rope? OK, so tie a big frikkin knot in it and hang on for a few more days. I have a sneaky suspicion that you have a lot of cysters praying for you right now and prayer works. But none of that matters if you've lost your will to open your eyes to see another sunrise. Hit bottom--feel awful, lick the ground, chain smoke until it feels like your lungs are black as sin--and when you're on your hands and knees and feel like you can't get up, GET UP. Take your time, but get up. Use anything that you have access to, but get up. Even when you don't want to, get up. Because as long as you're getting up, it shows the faith of hope. Do you have faith? You must if you're Christian. You said you listen to Christian music. Know what one of my favorite songs is? That one by Bob Carlisle:

We Fall Down

Cursing every step of the way,
he bore a heavy load
To the market ten miles away,
The journey took it's toll

And every day he passed a
monastery's high cathedral walls
And it made his life seem
meaningless and small

And he wondered how it would be
to live in such a place
To be warm, well fed and at peace
to shut the world away

So when he saw a priest who walked,
for once, beyond the iron gate
He said, "Tell me of your life inside
that place ..."
And the priest replied...

We fall down, we get up
We fall down, we get up
We fall down, we get up
And the saints are just the sinners
who fall down ... and get up

Disappointment followed him home
He'd hoped for so much more
But he saw himself in a light
He had never seen before

Cause' if the priest who fell
could find the Grace of God to be enough
Then there must be some hope for
the rest of us
There must be some hope left for us ...

So here's hoping for you that you have enough left in you that His grace is enough to carry you through another day. Borrow some of my faith in you and GET UP when you're ready.

CocoRumGirl · 01-08-2005, 10:59 AM

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I understand how it feels to be trapped in a severe depression. I have to admit that I've lost my faith along the way, too. I know it is so frightening to feel like death is the only solution. Sweetheart, if you're thinking about suicide, please go to the ER. Find a new psychiatrist who can maybe help you better than your current one. Please get some help, sweetie. You are our cyster, and you do belong here!

Remember...
Suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem.

The depression can get better, but you'll never have another chance to live. I hope you feel better soon.

PaulaMc · 01-08-2005, 11:10 AM

Oh hun I'm so sorry you're going through this!!! BIG BIG HUGS to you. You are so very worth it! Please, don't think about suicide. I may not have walked in your moccasins, but I understand about hitting bottom. I'm there now, as well. It's not a good place to be, but life is worth living. You have friends here that would miss you. I would miss you!!!!! Can you go to a different psychiatrist/therapist? It doesn't sound like the one you're going to is helping. Please, remember you are worth it. Life is damn tough. But you are a strong woman...if you weren't strong you wouldn't have come here and posted.

TickledPink · 01-08-2005, 01:08 PM

ohhhhhhh I so know how it feels to be caught in a very dark lonely place with the feeling of no hope!

There is help for you. But you may be like me and have to search hard to get the help that you need!

Please hold onto your faith it will get you through!

Please hang with us girls we are here for you!

If ya ever need to chat you can e-mail me

tickledpink77@gmail.com

TickledPink · 01-08-2005, 01:12 PM

OMG honey I just read your sig!!!!!!

Effexor can make you feel like you are going insain!!! My doc said effexor is one of the best drugs out there, but she also said for people with anxiety ect it can be really rough getting through the first week or two!

I for one CANNOT take paxil as it induces some sort of manic depressive doom feelings!

maybe you need to switch your meds or if you feel strong enough hang in there till the side effects subside!

Rasburry · 01-08-2005, 01:17 PM

i forgot to mention about the effexor....i was on it for 8 months and for some it works wonders....for others, like myself, it made things worse!!!! This is something to consider about your situation and if Effexor is right for you. Also read the package insert carefully....you have to be VERY CAREFUL about coming off of this drug bc it can increase the risk of suicide. Wonderful, huh?

Take care hun!

TickledPink · 01-08-2005, 01:23 PM

o.k. just wanted to explain something here!

About a month ago doc put me on paxil and omg for a week straight I felt I wasn't in my own body, thought I was gonna die, just sheer panic and doom!

My doc took me off paxil and put me on 20mgs of celexa along with clonasapam. The cloneasapam is a slow releasing ativan you usually take 1 mg in the am and 1 mg in the pm. The cloneasapam is only used for about a month till the drug celexa fully kicks in, as cloneasapam is highly addictive! I am in the process of cutting down my cloneasapam I am on .5 mgs morning and night, and then next week I cut down just to .5 either in the am or pm for a week and then come off. I also have regular ativan just incase, but since starting this I havent had to use one. Maybe you could suggest this to your doc!

Heck if you want to you can print this out and take it with you! I have done that in the past!

Best of luck to you!

hoping4help · 01-08-2005, 07:08 PM

cysters, thank you very much.
Everything all of you said is appreciated so much, and I know I am the only one who is going to have to tie that knot and hang on. Effexor has always done very well for for me in the past, I haven't been on it since 12/02. Yes, I have the diagnosis of Major Depression Recurrent-right after I stopped the drug Accutane. I never took it like a disease, because I wasn't always depressed. So I just thouht it was my fault, my attitude, but the other day, I felt so suicidal for absoluterly NO reason, and it felt so "chemical", so maybe I do have that chemical imbalance, that I really thought didn't exist. I'm going to print out your responses if you don't mind, to remind me that there IS hope and I have to keep going.
April~thank you so much for the prayer. It saddens me to know my post saddened you seriously, I'm so sorry, I just really posted what I was feeling last night, doing it embarrassed. It is sad. A lot of the docs say "You're too smart to be depressed", so I then feel even more guilt that I am depressed. Nothing happened here at CS, it's just my insecurities and self-centeredness that can get in my way sometimes, I hate it, so I'm changing it forever.
You say to start acting like I give a damn about my life even if I don't believe it right now. I needed to hear that, because the thing is, is that unless I believe that within myself, instead of expecting others to re-assure me then I will continue to be miserable, it's a lesson that is long time due learned. I hear every word you said April, thank you.
I have that book by Rick Warren! Have I opened it since I bought it months ago? No. So right there, tells you I'm not trying hard enough. I have to take action, I know this, I have never been this depressed-EVER. So, I will start reading that book and focus on helping myself a lot harder. Thank you for the offer to send me one though. I have it, and I heard it was excellent. Thanks so much April for your kind words.
Ras~thanks, I just hated to be a downer last night and post that. I get so overwhelmed about everything in my life, instead of getting out of myself and looking around--again, not like me.
I'm truly hoping the Effexor will help again, I just increased it to 75mg 2 days ago, and it has caused a lot of chest palpitations that I'm hoping will go away, they always did and I was fine. What does worry me though, is that I'm on the addictive benzos, and another med called Seroquel, that is an anti-psychotic (NO I'm not psychotic LOL), but the docs use it for sleep, and it helps me sleep. And I'm also on Vicodin which can be addictive, maybe I'm on just TOO much medication? So that's part of where I get overwhelemed just thinking what I'm doing to my body with these pills-physically AND psychologically.
I would love to find that song you posted Ras.
Paula, no that's part of why I was so upset last night, I think it's time to say goodbye to this psychiatrist. There is just so much water under the bridge and all we do is bicker, he's been great, but maybe it's time to switch. Lately, we haven't been doing much work in therapy, and he doesn't think taking pills is going to solve my problems kind of attitude, I know what he means. I'm a difficult "case", and it's just gone on too long, it's MY responsibility to change the way my life is going the best I know how to right now, not get more depressed and think suicide, that's not good, I know

Pink, I agree, I do think Effexor is one of the best drugs out there, because I can't take any other drug like that, and yep, I've heard of going off it and how you have to do it slowy, I went cold turkey and landed in the psych ward. I just have to continue taking ONE DAY AT A TIME! Period, think happy thoughts, and PUSH myself to get well. Take the ACTION to do the things I want to come to pass. I took Clonazepam (Klonopin) too, and it worked for 4 years, right now I'm on Ativan and take Xanax PRN. Since I've started the 75mg of Effexor yesterday, I feel "out of my body" feeling, and kind of dizzy, so I know its getting in there, I just need to be patient.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH, and I will continue this fight, your support and prayers and everything else are so much appreciated and I am very grateful. I've rambled far too long! lol

TickledPink · 01-08-2005, 08:46 PM

I really hope things get well very soon!

Just keep praying, and i'll keep praying for you too!!

Each day I wake I thank the Lord for giving me another day!

I guess the most important thing is listen to your gutt when it comes to your health! It has really worked for me in the past!

prunepie · 01-08-2005, 08:57 PM

dear hoping...

please call those doctors i pm'd you with.

one of them is BOUND TO HELP YOU.

i also have a good psychiatrist i can recommend that i saw... nancy rosser in i believe santa monica or brentwood ..i cant remember the neighborhood.

please dont give up.
make phone calls if you have to.
call suicide hotlines.

this is not your fault.

even if you dont feel like it... do it.

you ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE CARE ABOUT YOU.....you are our soul sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

let me know if i can possibly help you with any more referrals in the los angeles area okay??

xox jenn

hoping4help · 01-09-2005, 07:04 PM

Thanks Jenn and Pink

I'm praying too, hard!, I'm trying, today it's raining and I'm in a slump again, wondering if going back on this Effexor was the right thing to do. I ixnayed the Ativan, it doesn't work as well as the Xanax, and I will not be on 2 of those meds that's ridiculous. If I have to take more Xanax until the Effexor kicks in, because of the increased anxiety in the beginning I guess I'll do that. Haven't had any Vicodin today and it's almost 2pm. Everything is just a mess I don't know where to start--just tell me to stop complaining anytime!! lol, It HAS to get better, this is NO way to live at all for anyone! The Seroquel actually CAUSES diabetes I just found out. *sigh* I'm at a loss, just keep breathing....that's all I can do right now. Boy I thin I am impossible sometimes, GOD when will this get better?
Thanks for listening to the "not me". I'm still holding on to that knot! lol Hope all is ok with you both, luv ya!

TickledPink · 01-09-2005, 07:12 PM

Just keep hanging in there, and keep us posted!

I'm thinkin of you and sending you happy vibes