adopted child w/fetal alcohol spectrum disorder

MommaKing · 05-12-2008, 07:39 PM

i was a foster parent long before i ever knew i would have fertility issues. i was just a single woman who felt led to foster children. my first placement was a 5 yr old girl with many, many problems. i did not disrupt the placement, i kept her until her father was able to get custody of her. since having her turned my life upside-down, the case workers discussed how nice it'd be for me to take in a 1 yr old boy. the idea grew on me (i was seriously aching for a baby!) and the comment was made to me that this baby would be my reward for maintaining such a difficult placement.

this toddler was beautiful! aside from some separation anxiety everything else seemed fine. i fostered him for a year and a half before the adoption was finalized. i was made aware of the biological parents' unsavory past, but i was so in love that the warning signs i'd noticed in the boy's behavior didn't deter me from making him my little boy. two years pass, and by this time the behaviors are starting to concern and frustrate me. initially, i felt like it was reactive attachment disorder, but various caseworkers assured me that these things are developmentally appropriate and that it was a passing phase.

as he approached 5, his preschool teachers complain about his aggression and anti-social behavior. he was attending school at an adolescent mental health facility and even they were at a loss of how to get him to change is behavior. i put in a request to be seen by the psychiatrist and he turned us away because he wouldn't treat a child unless they are 6 or older. with kindergarten approaching, i didn't want him to have another negative school experience if there was anything that could be done to prevent it.

one day, i decided to google "fetal alcohol syndrome" just to see what it said. i knew that bio/mom was an alcoholic and cocaine addict. sure enough, as i read off each item on the checklist and then looked at my son i saw that he had many of the physical traits for FAS. with his unknown medical history, i wasn't sure if a diagnosis could be given. i went to his pediatrician first, and he confirmed my suspicions. he said that because the bio/mom hasn't admitted to prenatal alcohol use, that he would prefer to get a more definitive diagnosis from a geneticist. so we head to the children's hospital and the diagnosis is official: partial fetal alcohol syndrome and adhd. i was then referred to the psychiatry dept. for treatment. a therapist confirmed that he also has reactive attachment disorder. we start medication to treat the adhd and my little boy starts kindergarten. the school year is filled with ups and downs, but it's gone MUCH better than his preschool experience. i attribute it to the adhd medication and the fact that mommy works at school (i teach kindergarten) so it'll be very easy for me to keep tabs on him.

in the past few months, there's been another change in my son. now he's exhibiting signs of depression/anxiety and his speech therapist confirms my suspicion that there are also some obsessive/compulsive tendencies. the list keeps growing:

fetal alcohol specturm disorder
adhd
reactive attachment disorder
separation anxiety
depression/anxiety
ocd

me, wanting to do everything i could to help my kid, researched as much as i could about these things. basically, these other disorders are under the umbrella of the FASD so it's more like a comorbidity (just like PCOS eh?). what makes all of this so difficult for me is that i am still a single parent so i am absolutely overwhelmed at times. since my lil fella is so hard to manage, as well as the fact that he so emotionally distant towards family; it's hard for my other family members to step in and lend a helping hand. he does some horrible things and when confronted, he says he doesn't know why he does it. he doesn't understand the relationship of action & consequence. we've also dealt with animal cruelty, lying, bullying, destructive behavior, you name it!

various people have approached me at some point in time and asked, "do you think you may have bitten off more than you can chew?" or "at some point in time, you're going to have to start considering self-preservation" and even "don't feel bad, you've done more than even 2-parent households have done with their children."

right now i feel so tired. i was hoping to find some message boards for FAS but my searches haven't been fruitful. all i can do is keep reading up on these disorders and see his therapist and psychiatrist. i love this boy with all my heart, but scary thoughts have crept into my mind about how he may be as he gets older. right now i'm at a loss.

i apologize for the length of this post, i know it's a lot to read. has anyone else had any experience with raising a child with any of these disorders?

sazzifrazz · 05-12-2008, 08:25 PM

my foster ons bio brother lived with us for a year and a half. he had reactive attachment disorder and adhd. it was awful!!! he could not bond. the more we did for him, the worse his behavior. everything we did backfired. he is the only kd i know who spent all chistmas and b-days tantrumming because "thats all he got". it was NEVER enough and we spoiled him materialistically. he was violent, rude, hyper, loud, self mutilating and on and on. he was physically adorable and we wanted so badly to love him but he was so bad it was impossible. i began to truly hate him. i never thought i could hate a child, especially one with such special needs. my emotions scrared me to the point of us giving our notice. we still have his brother who has very different issues. all research i found about RAD is so gloomy, very difficult to fix.

sazzifrazz · 05-12-2008, 08:28 PM

oh, should add. he left here and bounced through 3 more foster home. his behaviors got worse and worse. he ended up in a residential school and is doing much better. he couldn't handle the demands of a family and does well where no one expects any love, or attachment from him. he enjoys being cared for by staff who don't give a ****. sad but true

MommaKing · 05-13-2008, 12:06 AM

thanks for your input sazzi. the therapist says that my son has a mild form of RAD because he has bonded with me and with his previous foster parents who are still involved in the grandparent role. however, there is no real bond with my parents no matter how hard they try. he's okay with them when he is the only grandchild around, but once the other grandchildren come around he basically ignores my parents. he's starting to become quite rude as well. if i'm having a conversation with someone else he tries to be as intrusive as possible. it's gotten to the point where i just have to be very blunt (aka mean) with him to get him to stop because he resists whatever limits that are set for him.

what scares me the most is how he might react if i were to have a baby. i've seen him choke and smother our pets. as a 2 year old, he bullied my infant niece (poking her in the eye, stepped on her fingers as she crawled, laying on her to immobilize her). i feel like i'd never be able to take my eyes off him for an instant if there were a baby around. during family functions, he completely ignores babies while everyone else coos over them. his headstart teacher even noticed him cringing at the sight of an infant, as if a baby thoroughly disgusts him! to prepare him for the potential of becoming a big brother, i've gotten him a baby doll to care for, and we talk about how one day he'll be a big brother and that there will be more children to come in the future. he's not all that receptive, although he tells me what i want to hear. truth be told, he's really not all that interested.

sazzifrazz · 05-13-2008, 08:45 AM

yeah, RAD kids typically injure animals. Our previous foster son took his fish out of the tank and watched it die a slow death on his dresser. I refused to bring a baby into our house while he was there, which is one of the reasons we gave notice when we did. I did my first IVf a month after he left. It wasn't just his behavior that scared me, it was the general mood of the house-very tense and angry, all of us.

lovebirds1111 · 05-13-2008, 09:50 PM

I dont have particular experience in you situation. HOwever, I wanted to say that your son is very lucky to have a mother that cares for him like you do. YOu seem to have done and continue doing everything you can for this little boy. I just wanted to pass on some (hugs) and words of encouragement.

Since you have noticed some improvement in him, I would say that you are doing the right thing. Its great that you are at the same school as him. I read what you wrote about what he did at 2 years old. How scary that sounds, it doesnt mean that he would do the same at 6. My cousin's son is 4 and is pretty rough with his 1 year old sister.. but he doesnt have any of the issues your son has.. my point being that a 2 year old boy can be pretty rough normally.

I wish you luck.
Keep up the good work!

MommaKing · 05-14-2008, 01:19 AM

thank you for the encouragement lovebirds. i am often told by my coworkers that my son is lucky to have been placed with me. i will continue to take things one day at a time.

OctoberXRoses · 05-14-2008, 11:37 PM

I have experience working with "troubled children" and I know how hard it can be sometimes. I congratulate you for doing so much for your son! Just remember when it gets hard, everything you are doing will ensure that he will have an amazing life later on. A million times better than what he would have had before.. Smile always, know that he will always love you and be thankful for all you have done for him, even when it's tough.

DStout · 05-16-2008, 02:23 PM

I read your story and am so thankful that your son has you for a mommy. I have no experience in this area and only a basic knowledge of FAS but wanted to throw in an idea. Would it help to provide him with an acceptable place to be aggressive? Instead of trying to eliminate maybe teaching control and redirection might help? I am thinking along the lines of something like a punching bag in your home that when he feels a build up of emotions he can put on his gloves and beat the crap out of the bag. Then he could be taught that he can only be aggressive when he is in that room and only with the gloves on as a mental trigger of when it is ok and when it isn't. The physical-ness should also help with the anxiety and depression. Just some thoughts from a complete non-expert!

MommaKing · 05-16-2008, 09:16 PM

thanks october and dstout. your suggestion has crossed my mind in the past. i got him an inflatable punching bag and it only lasted one day. he flattened it in no time. hopefully i'll come a real punching bag at a yard sale somewhere. his aggression is more on the grounds of impulsivity. i've seen kids become so angry that they rage, and that's not my son. his aggression is "experimental" in that he does it to see what will happen.

this week has been one of the worst ever. he's had a horrible week at school and he's started inappropriate urinating. it started out as peeing all over the toilet seat. then when we'd visit other people's houses he'd pee all over the floor. i'm not talking about a puddle next to the base of the toilet, i'm talking urine going from one end of the bathroom all the way to the other- it's obvious that this is deliberate! as soon as i discover it i'm totally mortified and of course i have him clean it up as i royally chew him out. but what takes the cake is that he's now taken to peeing in the middle of his bedroom. he's peed on his carpet and on another occassion he's peed on his brand new leapster. i knew he'd urinated because i could smell it. he admitted that he just didn't want to go to the bathroom to use the toilet, so he pulled his pants down and peed right then and there. i had him mop his bedroom floor and he's no longer allowed to go to use the bathroom by himself. i just found out about the leapster today. it doesn't work anymore...what a waste of money. when i asked why he did it, he just said that he wanted to. i am totally baffled about this behavior. we go back to the therapist and psychiatrist in the beginning of june. i'm trying my best to hang on until then, but i just can't take my eyes off him and it's killing my livlihood.

sazzifrazz · 05-16-2008, 11:01 PM

OMG, i have a strange story. the previous foster son i posted about with RAD when he left our home for a new foster home he began the peeing all over thing too. this was a huge deal breaker for the foster mom. he knew that was her trigger, so he di it more often. in my house it was blood...he would scratch or rip teeth out because he knew i hated blood. i feel your pain...been there, done with that lol. he is lucky you haven't thrown in the towel. its so hard because others don't understand its a disorder and not just a kid whose a brat.

MommaKing · 05-16-2008, 11:34 PM

after you said that, it's starting to make sense to me now. he knows urinating is my trigger because he's been "missing" the toilet for ages and i fuss at him every time i find (or smell) a mess. i figure that poor aim is a very common thing with boys cause the boys bathroom in my classroom smells horrendous. i thought the problem would be solved when i asked him to sit down on the toilet to avoid a mess from now on. so i guess he may be doing this just to set me off.

my biggest frustration with having an RAD/FASD child is how he just can't seem to learn from his mistakes. a typical child will experience a negative consequence and will be sure not to make the same again (not for a while, at least). my boy keeps repeating the behavior no matter how severe the consequence. even being bit in the face by a dog didn't deter his bullying behavior.

sazzifrazz · 05-17-2008, 10:18 AM

they actually thrive on the negative attention. they may dislike the consequence, like no TV, but repeat the action to get the consequence again. its so so frustrating. i always used to say nothing mattered to him, no threats, no punishment. btw, is he really good around others sometimes...like charming? my FS was and people used to think i exaggerated stories about him. i don't have any advice, other than working with a behavior modification specialist (I am one and was at a loss with my own FS). one thing we did that sorta worked for a while. each morning I put 8 dimes in a cup on the counter. every time he did something naughty, usually after being told to stop once, he had to take a dime out and put it back in the bucket. at the end of the day any dimes left in the cup went in his piggy bank. at the end of the week (or end of 3 days if he needs a quicker reinforcer) we made a special trip to the store for him to spend his dimes. he would usually have about $2 so we could go buy a sluch or candy, or maybe a small toy. the deal was though once the dimes went in his bank we couldn't take those away. every day we started fresh. and he couldn't lose all dimes for something really bad. each behavior was only one dime...regardless of severity. however, if he takes a dime out and continues the behavior then you can take another dime. we always made him move the dimes himself.

MommaKing · 05-17-2008, 11:17 AM

sazzi that's a good idea! he loves going to the dollar store to pick out those rinkydink toys. i've done other incentive charts before but they didn't work, but this one is much more tangible. i may have to make this cup portable so that he'll know he has to be good even when we're not at home.

before the depression set in, my son was a real charmer too. he's always had waitresses and cashiers gushing over him. he wasn't so much a charmer to the people he sees regularly- just the acquaintances. i remember one time we were on a plane and he had an older couple sitting in front of us completely enamoured with him. when it was time to get off the plane, he was screaming that he wanted to go with them and that he didn't want to stay with me. he was 3 years old at this the, and boy was i humiliated.

i can't wait to try the bank idea. i need to get a roll of dimes!

DStout · 05-19-2008, 11:30 AM

MommaKing,
I read in last month's Reader's Digest (just got around to it this weekend) about a RAD child adopted from Romania who had gotten really bad - knives, shovels, involuntary stays in mental hospitals, etc. His parent's did not like the typical RAD therapy of "rebirthing" so they tried shadowing. The mom stayed within 3 feet of her son at all times and he could not ask for anything but she would provide all food, clothing, hugs, etc. to mimic the mother/infant relationship. They also would hold him in their laps and feed him ice cream each night while telling him good things about him and he had to say one good thing about them. I can scan the article and email it to you if you want. Their boy was older than yours but the story may help you with ideas.