Adopted, now a pregnancy may be possible???

Dawn in KS · 09-14-2004, 12:28 AM

I have an unusual situation and am looking for honest opinions and support from my adoption cysters. . . .

From the age of 12 to 27, I had periods every 12-18 months. When I turned 28, the periods began occurring about every two months.

Three months ago, I turned 29. I had about four periods in two months time. I go to my gyno and she says my ovaries are trying to normalize and puts me on bcp. She says it will "rest" them and stop my periods. . .she lied. I've had a period for three weeks now. She says that she wants me to give the bcps at least two months.

That was a little background but not entirely why I'm writing, (though I would accept any info you have to make these blasted things STOP). . .

Anyhow, because my gyno says I might now be able to conceive she wants me to decide if I want to get pregnant.

I am SO TORN. I want to, but don't. I decided a long time ago that I would adopt again if we decided to have another child, no fertility treatments for me.

With our adoption being a transracial one, we are white-- son is AA-- Dh and I are very concerned with how our son will adjust to a white sibling. Whether or not he would love the baby is not the issue. . .how he will feel growing up being the "dark, non-bio" child is what concerns me. I've read studies on it and it's not always a positive thing.

Our son is our first born and takes priority over any future child.

I made the mistake of telling my sister of my ironic predicament and she has informed the family. Now I am being pressured to have a bio child that I gave up having a long time ago.

Having a bio and another adopted child is not an option. We are a "professional" family with good jobs, but don't want the craziness and expense of three children.

Another issue. . . miscarriages run strong in my family. Not sure that's something I can deal with either.

Honestly, I think my heart is leaning toward keeping the family I have and not conceiving. What if I regret the decision later?? Dh says he's open to whatever I want to do.

What do ya'll think? I'm so confused.

Dawn

so-tired · 09-14-2004, 01:06 AM

{{{[hugs}}}}

I know this must be so hard for you!!! I don't envy your predicament but I do understand it. I too want to feel the amazing power of giving birth and I wish I had been able to breast feed my son. I know the pull and desire to have bio kids.

Blended families can be awesome.... I have seen so many people make it work and work well. I, however, have chosen not to have bio and adopted kids (altho nature almost proved me wrong). I think if I had a bio first it would be different for me and I would be open to that. I think that is why when I was pregnant recently it was so very hard for me.

The reason I am not crazy about blended adoptions (for myself) is because of advice from adopted children (who are now adults) including my sil. She was adopted along with her brother and then her parents had a "miracle" child and then kept going. They had 2 adopted and 3 bio. Altho the mother does not admit it all the kids know that she and the father treat the kids differently. Not only that... even if you are real careful... there will be comments from idiots. Like; "Aren't you glad you were able to have your own baby" or "now you have a real son" and the like.

So.... those are my feeling on blended. That is not to say it wouldn't work... I just don't ever want Artie to think he is 2nd best or that we would not have adopted him if we knew we could have bio children.

Now onto the ethnic question. I am white. I need a serious tan white

. My mother is white and so is my father but I was raised by my black stepfather and his family and I have bi-racial siblings. There were no problems with us. Some weird glances but that is about it. DH is mixed race. He has siblings who look very black and a sibling with blonde hair. I personally don't think color is a big deal. If we adopt again we will be open to all ethnicities. I just want a girl this time... that is my only request!

Well... good luck. I hope I have not offended or upset anyone. Just my 2 pennies

{{more hugs}}
-heather

SweetPea76 · 09-14-2004, 01:55 AM

Dawn-

Your situation is definitely a tough one. I can see why you are torn. DH and I are currently in the process of adopting our first child from Guatemala. While we haven't given up the idea of having a bio child, I was sick of the meds and after one m/c decided that it wasn't being pg that I wanted, but having a family. We will wait until our first baby is 1 or 2 and then talk about what to do for baby #2. We're both white, so our adoption will be a transracial one. I'll be struggling with the same question as you in a few years.

As for family, you need to do what you feel is best. My mom and step-dad are currently giving me much grief over adopting. Chances are that if I kept going on meds, I could get pg on my own and carry full term- eventually. But with a 45-50% chance of m/c, and me being completely fed up with meds and doctors, I have no desire to. Adopting is the way for me to go. The more I research it, get things ready for our homestudy, the more I am sure that my baby is waiting for me overseas.

Its just hard for some people to understand that the family of your dreams doesn't have to have biological children in it to be complete.

dms · 09-18-2004, 11:41 AM

Hi Dawn!

Haven't talked to you in awhile. Hope your son is doing well!

I wanted to offer my support but I really don't have an answer for you. About a year ago, I was in the same position as you. I kept wondering how Erin would feel being the only "different" person in the family if we had a bio child. Of course, we would not see her as different but I was afraid she would still feel that way. I think you know what I mean.

Anyways, I don't believe there is any way that I can get pregnant so I have stopped thinking about it. We are in the process of another adoption (we're waiting right now).

Good luck to you. Do what your heart tells you to do. It will be all right either way. You will make it all right. Show your son all the love in the world and he will adjust to either decision.

Dawn

Dawn in KS · 09-20-2004, 01:58 PM

Thanks so much for your support. I still haven't decided what to do, but I'm leaning toward bcps for now. If I have to think about it this hard, it's probably not right for our family right now.

I do appreciate the replies and would still be interested in others points of view and experiences.

Dawn

Lisa2008 · 09-20-2004, 04:08 PM

such a hard question, and such a personal choice. For myself, i am so afraid of having another miscarage, i dont want to get pregnant. I just dont think i would be strong enough to go through that again, and then there is the whole other thing about peoples comments, bio is better ect ect, i really dont want Brandon to have to deal with that ontop of everything else. i guess there is a remote chance i could get preg, but honestly, dh and i havent used any protection in almost 3 years, and i havent gotten preg yet.
i forget the name of the procedure, (they lazer the lining of your uterus), my mom had it done, and it helps people with heavy periods, and also keeps you from getting preg. i havent researched it too much yet, but i think i would like to have that done in the future, me and synthetic hormones do not agree.

good luck with your decision, im sure whatever you decide you will be a great mommy either way, to all of your kids

surprise · 09-23-2004, 11:43 PM

My son is from Guatemala so he is dark skinned and has that native american (we called it Indian when I was growing up) look.

My story is a long one, but we thought the adoption failed, I ended up pg without any meds, and the summary is the adoption came through. We got my son three weeks before my daugher (white, and really pale white) was born.

I don't have a lot of answers for you because my kids are only 20 mos and 7 1/2 mos. But we haven't had any problems yet. Our families don't see the differences and we haven't had any problems bonding with our son, even though he wasn't biological. Or rather, DH and I aren't struggling at all with favoring one over the other.

In public we haven't had any problems either. DH is SAHD and he usually shops while I am at work. I take the kids on occasional errands and I frequently get asked if they are twins. WHAT? One girl, one boy, two different colors. DH had never been asked that. We decided one weekend to go shopping together and at SAMs club, the lady checking us out asked if they were twins. We still laugh about it.

So, I haven't had to answer questions from the kids and I haven't had to answer the adoption questions from my son yet. But that is my story.

Now, this is just my opinion, if it were me, the decision would be more based on if I could handle the emotional roller coaster of TTC. I have two kids and we are done, but, if I had to do it over again, I would consider adoption again. It was a rough adoption and somewhat of an emotional roller coaster, but nothing compared to the roller coaster of TTC. THen the progesterone meds and praying that a miscarriage doesn't happen. Etc. Again, just my opinion.

I wish you the best in your decision.

dms · 09-24-2004, 01:00 AM

Kelly, I enjoyed reading your opinion and I agree. Also, something I didn't think of, the stress of TTC is a big issue.

Take care!
Dawn