Adopting a drug baby

stormspirit · 04-05-2004, 03:54 PM

My husband and I are considering adopting a baby from a girl who has had a drug problem. I’m having a crisis of the heart and not sure what to do. I don’t know if I can handle a baby with tons of health problems. But, how can I just let the state take it? Then the baby will never get the love and affection it will so badly need. Have any of you been through this? If so, what was the outcome. I felt really good about this until we started telling people what was going on and everyone keeps warning me of all of the problem I might encounter. I mean, I was aware of that from the beginning, now I’m totally doubting myself. And DH is so for the adoption. I think I’m just scared of what I may be faced with in the future.

dna · 04-05-2004, 05:22 PM

I guess the question is "what kind of drugs" and then you should re-search your little heart out about the affects of that drug on an infant.

There is alot of info out there, even contacting a local health nurse to point you in the right direction would help.

We have put "drug use" on our list of possibles we would consider when adopting an infant locally so .. I am a firm believer that knowledge is power...

Just dont let the thought of an infant cloud your vision on what you could in reality handle

Good luck
Amy

stormspirit · 04-05-2004, 05:34 PM

Hi! Thanks for answering my question. I guess I should have put this in the original post, but the drug of choice, from what I've heard, is crystal meth. I don't know if there have been others. The bm says that she quit at the beginning of the pregnancy, but I have a hard time beleiving that. The problem is that the drug is so new, studies don't show the long term effects of the drug. One benefit is that it stays in the system for such a short period of time the baby won't go through the typical withdrawal problems. But, it could have long terms effects on the brain and heart. But no one really knows how bad it can be. I did find one article saying that most of the damage is done in the 3rd trimester, and I don't think she was using then, and if so not as much as in the 1st and 2nd.

I think I'm just afraid of the unknown possbilities.

Leigh Ann

BBloves · 04-05-2004, 06:02 PM

just adding my opinion...hope you don't mind i was lurking.....if your and DH's heart is in it than do it. you can't have a promise of a healthy life from any baby. the future is always unknown. that's a chance we take as parents. is the baby healthy now? no matter what happens in the future, that baby needs someone's love, why not you and DH. good luck in your decision.

i wanted to add...i don't mean rush to a decision, do your research, get info, i just wanted to tell you there are no guarantees with any baby. i know you know that

stefie

stormspirit · 04-05-2004, 07:01 PM

Thanks BB! You said exactly how I felt, and what I told DH. Even if we had our own baby there is no guarantee. My sil, DH's sister, had a little girl with a very bad heart defect. It cost them $200,000 to get it fixed. Do they love that child any less...not on your life. I think your right, our hearts are in it and we ARE making the right decision.

Leigh Ann

Miss-Meme · 04-05-2004, 07:30 PM

Can you call your family doctor and ask him/her? Thats what I did when we were looking into adoption and there was a chance of a child born on drugs.

spookycyster · 04-05-2004, 09:22 PM

Hello,

I agree with Amy, that you shouldn't let the thought of an infant mess with your decision of what you can and cannot handle as far as special needs. And I would hope that the child, should you chose not to adopt, would be placed in a loving home with people who are prepared to take care of his special needs, whatever they may be. There are people in the world who's sole desire is to take care of these children--that's their calling, which I think is wonderful.

We said that we would prefer no drugs, but that the agency should let us know what drug and how long so that we could make an informed decision.

If you don't feel right about this child, then don't accept the placement. There's no rule that says you have to accept this placement. I know it's hard to imagine but it happens. A bm had chosen us for her son. He was born with some serious problems, one of which was uncontrollable seizures, even while heavily medicated. He also had viral meningitis and other problems on top of the seizures and at one point, they weren't sure he would even survive. We chose not to accept the placement because his problems were more than I thought I would be able to handle, as I would have to handle them alone since dh is often deployed. I was so sad that we made this decision--cried my eyes out the rest of the day, but ultimately, it put us in the right place at the right time for our ds. I did ask my sw about the first baby and she told me he had been placed in a loving home and was doing wonderfully, in spite of his rough start.

Search your heart and think about what you are strong enough to handle.

Best of luck to you....

dna · 04-05-2004, 09:48 PM

Aaaahhhh the glorious Crystal Meth.... I had a very good friend and that was his drug of choice and I saw what it did to him (however he is a very very heavy user) yuck !

You will know in your heart what is right and go to every source you can think of to get any info no matter how new.. a baby somewhere has to have been born with a mom on Meth..even in the states.

Keep us updated...
Take your time making your decision and dont let any outsiders influence you unless its medical...

{{{ hugs }}}
Amy

Shannon816 · 04-06-2004, 03:01 AM

My aunt and uncle took in a baby when he was 6 weeks old. In their words, the birth mom smoked, drank, took drugs, and had a lot of men both before and during her pregnancy. On top of that, she was also battling cancer. What my aunt saw was a baby only, the answer to her prayers, yet she didn't want to think about any of the "what ifs". For this baby, there weren't "what if's" but "what *will* happen", given all that was stacked against him.

My aunt and uncle were warned of these things, yet adopted this baby when he was 6 months old. He went through withdraw, but seemed normal at first. By the time he was 3 or 4, it became apparent he had problems. When he entered school, it was determined he had several learning disabilities. It became very, very difficult on my aunt because she didn't allow herself to plan for these things. She loves him, but she has repeated time and again that if she could go back, she never would have taken him. That's a really sad way for any parent to feel about a child, and even worse that a child has to be in a home where they aren't truly wanted.

I guess what I am saying is that if you are having doubts, I do think you need to really think about this before you leap into anything. Obviously, not all families turn out to be like my aunt's, and I think the people that can be loving parents to a child with these special needs really are great people. I just think it's important to have some kind of idea of what you will be getting into, which is why talking to a doctor is important. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be the best decision for you and this child. Best of luck to all of you.

Lisa2008 · 04-06-2004, 01:56 PM

that is such a personal decision, what is the limits of who you can parent. Every person does have those limits though.
i guess with us it came back to, like bbloves said, even if the child was born to us, there are no gauantees that the child would have no health problems.
One other thing we decided was to tell our family as little as possible about our sons personal/medical history.
I believe it is his information, and we will tell him when the time is right. i dont want there to be any talk among relatives opening up the possibility that he may hear some of the sensitive facts from his aunt, or a cousin. Once he knows, he can choose to tell who he wants. The other reason we did this is there were/are alot of ifs. We firstly didnt want to stress out family members about something that was only a possibility, and second, we dont want our family to have any preconcieved notions of who our son is, i was worried that if they knew some of the info they would feel pitty for him, or treat him differently than if they had not known.
i have worked with people with dissabilities all my adult life, and i know, even the most well intended, understanding, accepting person can do harm by having low expectations. A child will pick up on those things.
This was very hard for me, as i am very close with my family.
Whatever you choose, good luck, and blessings!

stormspirit · 04-06-2004, 03:40 PM

Ladies, thanks so much to all of you for your responses. I talked with the bm yesterday, and she promises me that she quit shortly after she found out she was pregnant. I don't know if I believe her or not, but we have decided to go forward anyway. I can't explain it any other way except to say that it just feels right. I am going to hope for the best. This is her 2nd child, and the first is perfectly healthy, so hopefully this one will be too.

Thanks again to all of you,
Leigh Ann

shellrenee68 · 04-06-2004, 06:22 PM

Just thought I would post a quick reply, I know a girl (not a friend just someone I know) used meth all the way through and including the day she went into labor, and her son is now 2 years old and as healthy as can be. He is a little hyper, but what 2 year old isn't? He is beautiful, and right in the percentile he is supposed to be in for his age. My EX-sister-in-law, used meth through all three of her pregnancies and her first daughter was born compeletly healthy, she is now 7years old and smart, beautiful and healthy, her second child is a boy and he was born with hearing and speech problems, as he got older they thought he was "slow" but they put tubes in his ears and he now can hear perfectly, speak perfectly and has no learning disorders at all, her last child, a boy, is almost two and he is perfectly healthy also. I don't know if this helps or not, but all of these children were from mothers that used the entire pregnancy and they are all fine. I hope this helps. From what I have seen of these children, if I had a BM that was using meth and that was all, I would still adopt the baby, just based on what I have seen. I know what it can do to an adult, and so that is scary to think of what it can do to a child, but I have yet to see any adverse affects on these children from it. Just putting in my 2 cents. I wish the best for you and your DH. Just do what is in your hearts and that will be the right decision. Take care.
Michele

cyndl · 04-06-2004, 07:22 PM

hi! it's not for everyone. and some drug exposed infants are perfectly normal. others are not. we have an 8 wk old (had him since he was 3 days old) who was crack postive at birth. he has had a hard time with withdrawls. he also has a poor imune system and gets sick quite easily. at 11 days old he ended up in the hospital with double pneumonia and RSV. he was there 2 wks and was in the PICU and on a vent for a week. he also has severe reflux and a slow emptying stomache. so he has special needs. he is also showing to be delayed by about two months so far and already qualifies for early intervention. but i wouldn't trade him for the world. he is the sweetest little boy. he's such a snuggle bunny!! and i agree with what some of the others say, you never know what you're going to get health wise with babies. my bio son has many of the very same special needs as this foster baby. and i did not drink, smoke or do drugs. so now i have 2 special needs boys. it's tough sometimes, and tiring sometimes. but i love them so much. just go with what you feel you could handle. and don't be afraid to say no. if this isn't ment to be your baby, yours is out there somewhere waiting for you. good luck! hope i helped and didn't babble too much.

cyn

Skywaitress94 · 04-07-2004, 04:18 AM

Hello! I am so pleased that you came to all of us for advice on this. I am so sorry that I have not responded sooner - I have been very busy with my two new babies!

Cyn you might be interested in this as well. DH and I just began foster parenting/adopting two children. Olivia is 13 months and Ethan is 4 mo. old. Ethan was addicted to Cocaine and meth. At first he had his fair share of struggles. It would take him an hour to drink one ounce - so feeding was litterally a 24 hour process. He only gained two pounds in the first three months HOWEVER in the last 2 1/2 weeks gained 1 lb 8 oz!!! They do begin to catch up but our slower. I have done a lot of research on the effects and your right it is hard to find quality material and a lot of docters will tell you differently. My opinion from what I have seen and what my girlfriends have seen (also adopting drug babies) is that Yes withdrawel can be hard but they do catch up. Ethan was catogorized as a newborn at 3 mo because he had not made ANY progress. He was like a vegtable. We honestly feared and so did our caseworker that he could be wheel chair bound. We began early intervention and literrally on his own made huge strides. From what I have discovered and have heard from others is that the beginning is tough but they usually catch up between 3 mo and 1 year. It takes a lot of TLC. He does have thyroid problems but this could be drug related or it could be hereditary as well he also had RSV at 2 1/2 months old.

My biggest advice is to hold the baby close and give it all the love you can because that is what will provide them comfort and it gives the brain the stimulation it needs to grow and develop.

Good luck.

Email me if you would like.

Oh Olivia is also a meth baby and has FAS - she is advance in every area and at one point was delayed by six months. Now she outdoes most 2 year olds at 13 months.

Lisa