Adopting sibling pairs, trios or more!

kimmy-ki · 12-12-2008, 02:18 AM

I was just wondering if there are any cysters out there who would like to share their experiences (positive and negative--and everything in between!) with adoption sibling pairs, trios or more.

Today the agency gave us a series of options based on our profile as a couple and as a result of our ages and the psychological assessment, they said we would be good candidates for adopting siblings. Of course, the decision is entirely ours--we had originally thought about adopting a child of either sex between the ages 1 - 3 and then adopting an older child later on.

We are a bi-cultural and bilingual couple (Mexico/US) and we live in Mexico. We are planning to adopt Mexican children.

I know that every situation is different, but still, I would appreciate hearing about other's experiences with this type of adoption and any considerations we should keep in mind.

ProudPCOMom · 12-12-2008, 05:20 PM

Our little ones didn't come as a sibling set - they came 6 weeks apart, but in some ways they were like bringing home twins where one was born a year earlier. They are definately siblings now! Along with their older brother.

We already had an older child, we then brought home a 10 month old and 6 weeks later a 24 month old. It was mainly just being comfortable with who they were and how to do your normal activities with more little feet tagging along (and the fact that *I* no longer had enough hands to hold at least one hand of each child while I was out with them alone).

Here are my thoughts...

On the PRO side:

You'd be keeping them together forever.

Depending on ages, they could play together - built in entertainment!

Depending on how many children total you plan to adopt, you may be able to adopt only once or twice instead of many times. Less stress on the family in the long run - and we all know how stressful adoption can be.

On the CON side - these are all short-term:

They'll know each other better than you and may gang up on you to get their way.

They may rely on each other (as they've always done) and take longer to bond with you.

It may take a while to adjust to the logistics of multiple children - especially if you're the only parent taking them to a store or to eat. Running after one child is pretty easy, juggling two as they run in different directions is a art.

In the long run - I think it would be awesome for both you and the children to adopt more than one if the opportunity arises.

Susan

kimmy-ki · 12-13-2008, 03:11 AM

Hi Susan,
Thanks so much for your input. Of course, I was kind of imagining that the age difference between sibling would be greater--but now that you mention it, absolutely anything is possible, especially here in Mexico where lots of people have one after the other with practically no break in between! Having two children under 2 at the same time would be an amazing challenge... How wonderful that your adopted children are like twins!

I had not thought of the bonding issues--of them bonding more with each other than with us! Of course, that makes a lot of sense and is something to keep in mind. I think it would be understandable given the circumstances in which they would come to us, most likely having been legally removed from their parents. (Here in Mexico, this requires extreme circumstances because there is not a foster care system.)

The agency was mentioning how sometimes siblings have to be separated because it so difficult here to find families to adopt more than one, and especially children who are older than 3. So the older children really get the worst of it because they suffer not only the abuse, but then separation from their more adoptable younger siblings and of course, most often institutionalization. Obviously, the ideal is to find homes for sibling groups but the reality here is very complicated as adoption is not very well accepted in Mexican culture in general. (Most sibling groups get adopted by Americans or Europeans.)

Thanks so much for your input! If anyone else has any other insights, I would love to hear them.

share3232 · 12-16-2008, 11:17 AM

We are wanting to adopt a sibling group as well. My DH and I have thought about it and pretty much come to the same conclusions as Susan. We think that the pros outweigh the cons. Good luck!

kimmy-ki · 12-16-2008, 08:26 PM

Hi Shelly,
How cool that you are also thinking of adopting siblings. Do you have a set number or are you open to a larger group? Keep me posted! The more we think about it and explore the sibling option, the more inspired and excited we feel!!! (And a bit nervous, too-- but I think that is normal since we have no kids at all so it will be like having an instant family!)
Kim

Mrscookie78 · 12-29-2008, 01:04 AM

I am glad to hear we're not alone! DH and I have been looking at a website for the next state over and they have lists of waiting children. There is a sibling group of 2 girls and a boy all 4 and under which have captivated my heart. We have always wanted to adopt but though it would be after having at least one bio-child first. As we are both getting older and now married almost 6 yrs part of me is tired of waiting and those little faces are killing me! I don't want to rush into something based on emotion that we may not be ready for. Also going from no kids to 3 is kind of scary and I would love to see what anyone else thinks or if anyone has done this "instant family" thing and how it worked.
Thanks for your advice Cysters!

Micmoore · 12-30-2008, 12:00 AM

Hi Ladies!
I am a lurker, but wanted to post a little of our family story.

DH and I were married in 2000. We started TTC immediately. I was DX’ed 6 months later. We tried for 2 years and decided to adopt. While we were going through the homestudy etc. I decided to become a volunteer “big sister”. I was matched with an adorable 4 year old little girl. I had only met her once when she and her siblings were moved to a foster home. They were there for 6 months and where returned home. While they were in foster care I continued to visit with her and take her places.

My husband and I were licensed to foster/adopt in January 2003. We waited daily for “the call”! On my way to work on February 27, the call came. They said, “your kids are here”! My “little sister” and her siblings were back in foster care and the bio grandma had requested we take them if at all possible. We went from a single couple to a family of 6 in 5 hours!!! We had to buy everything. We picked the kids up that afternoon and I knew they were ours forever. The kids were 2, 3, 5, 9 and boy, boy, girl, girl.

It didn’t work out as magical as I had planned. The kids were really misbehaved. They were not used to any kind of structure. It was so hard! Nothing I could have read, watched or talked about on adoption message boards had prepared me for this. After a few months the oldest girl was moved to paternal family members and it was for the best. It really gave the little ones the openness to bond with my DH and I. There were many days I cried. I didn’t think I could do it. This was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I really thought the kids would come into our home and feel all the love we had for them. We would spoil them rotten and they would just love being here. That is not the case. They wanted to go “home”. It was so hard watching them cry and morn the loss of their biological family. My heart ached for them and they didn’t seem to want us to help them.

When they were first placed with us I wanted to take them to Disney World. I planned a trip for September 2003. By the time we took this trip the kids were starting to calm down. They were accepting our discipline. We were even starting to bond. During our trip they started to call us mommy and daddy. We were finally starting to become the family I had dreamed about. After having them home for 1 year, I knew we were a family. We were bonded and more in love with these little kids than I could have ever imagined during the first few months. After having the kid’s home for 2 years we decided to do it again

We brought home a beautiful newborn girl one month later.

My kids are now 7 (will be 8 in a few weeks), 9 and 11. The baby will be 4 in February. The time has gone so fast. I look back and can not believe how much they have grown. Not only physically, but emotionally as well. They have no “issues” that kids in and out of foster care seem to be prone to. They do well in school, play sports, insturments, and the boys are in boy scouts. It is amazing for me to see the chages they have made. It is also amazing to me the changes we have made as parents. We could not imagine our lives without these 4 children. They are the light of our lives and I would do it again in a hearbeat. I would even do the first year again

It is so worth the effert, the tears, the screams, the sleepless nights… all of it! They are such a blessing, and we are lucky to be their parents.

I am sorry if I scared any of you. I just wanted to let you know it is not all good times. It is serious hard work. It is worth it, but it is hard. The hard times will pass. At least I think so. My DD is getting closer to being a teen and I am nervous

Good luck ladies. If you have anymore questions about adopting older children or siblings please feel free to ask. I am by no means and expert. But I have been where you are right now. We want children so badly. We dream of a prefect family and we want it right now. While my children didn’t always match the dream I had…. They are a dream come true!

Mrscookie78 · 12-30-2008, 10:42 PM

Lacy,
What a beautiful and inspiring story. It makes me feel like maybe we can do this one day! I appreciate your honesty as I'm sure it won't all be easy but I know it will be worth it.
Bless you and you family!
-Sandy (Mrscookie78)

kimmy-ki · 12-31-2008, 01:39 AM

Lacy,
Thank you so much for sharing your story! Right now we're just looking at the possibility of a sibling pair--much fewer than your clan--but I am still very nervous about transitioning from no children to two children instantly. (I'm almost 40 so I wonder if at my age it will feel like an even greater shock to the system--for example, we're used to staying up to the wee hours of the morning and sleeping in!) I worry a lot about the issues the kids may have as a result of their previous experiences and how those will make the transition even tougher. But I will keep remembering what you wrote knowing that it is important to give it time and be very patient... I am so excited and nervous at the same time! Your story has totally inspired me...

Micmoore · 12-31-2008, 12:46 PM

I am glad I was able to help, at least a little.

Adoption is such a blessing. Adopting siblings is such a wonderful thing. They do not always get to stay together and when they do it is a wonderful gift.

The other night in the car, I was listening to Deliliah and there was a woman who was praying for a baby. She didn’t tell her entire story, but she was crying, so I could feel her longing. I just kept thinking...."I was her". I wanted a baby of my own so badly. I really thought there was no other way. Then I started thinking about my life now. Just 6 short years later.... I am the proud mother of 4. My days are filled with laughs and giggles, hugs and kisses, questions, stories, catching footballs, playing dollhouse and "baby-sitting" baby dolls. My evenings consist of taking the kids to cheer, dance, football, baseball, piano, scouts etc. My once solo weekends are now spent at the zoo, the park, birthday parties, children’s museums etc. I began to cry and cry as I was driving to pick up my daughter. I was thinking I am the luckiest person in the world. That first hard year was nothing compared to the lifetime of happiness I am going to have with MY children. Looking back I can remember it was hard. There are a few issues that stand out as the hardest. Honestly though I think it is like childbirth. I can not fully remember the "pain". I would love to do it one more time. My husband is content with the way things are. I want one more baby. I may always want one more baby though

As far as the children’s issues. If you get them young enough I really believe children are so resilient they will over come it. It just depends on the events in their past. My children were not abused. They were just in an environment where it was not safe. They were and still are loved by their bio- family. In fact, I just saw their bio- mom and gave her pictures and videos of the kids for Christmas. She was thrilled to tears to get them. I shared some stories with her about each of them, highlighted their individual accomplishments and told her how much they are loved. She told me she "knows how much we love them and she can see how happy they are in the pictures". She also said she "never regrets giving the children to us, she knows they are our babies". She is content to see them grow up in pictures and hopes on day to have her life together, so they can come to her and ask her any questions they have.

Sorry for rambling. This is why I don't post often. I am so passionate about adoption; I feel that I need to write a book each time I post.

Good luck with your adoptions ladies. I look forward to reading your adoption story very soon.

Lacy

Mrscookie78 · 01-02-2009, 02:22 AM

Lacy,
Keep the "books" coming! I love to hear anything you would like to share. I just watched the program "a home for the holidays sponsored by the Dave Thomas Foundation that highlights children in foster care who need to be adopted or who have been adopted. I bawled my eyes out it was so moving! It made me want to move forward with this all the more. The only thing that I am worried about is that DH and I won't have the energy yet at our current weight to take care of active kids. We want to wait and lose some weight first I just have to keep the thought of our future kids in mind as I work to lose it!
Thanks again and Happy New Year!!!

Sam29 · 01-03-2009, 12:12 PM

I love to hear the positive stories!! We all know it is going to be hard in the beginning....but some adoption boards I am on are very discouragind......some people are bluntly honest...which is appreciated, but discouraging at the same time....we are here for support and reassurance in our journeys!

Thanks again!

jolin4utopia · 01-05-2009, 10:40 PM

http://www.ourmiraclefamily.blogspot.com/
This is our blog, the two children on the ends are siblings adopted 4 years apart. You can read some if you like. It is not easy but neither is being a parent..... they are both worth it. Their birthmom has cancer in her bones and it looks like we may loose her. This will make our situation very difficult because our daughter lived with her for 4 years. We would adopt them and again. They are a joy.

Micmoore · 01-06-2009, 05:04 PM

No books from me today

I have a sick baby.

I just wanted to add my blog address so you can come by and visit. It is not really about my adoption journey, because it has been 6 years. We are now just a normal family. Leave me a comment if you stop by

Lacy

http://adayinthelifeofme-lacy.blogspot.com/

kimmy-ki · 01-08-2009, 06:03 PM

Lacy and Jolin,
Thanks for sharing your family blogs! What great fun!!!! Being almost 40 and wanting to have children for so many years just makes me shiver with excitement because I KNOW our kids are out there and heading our way. It's such an amazing moment in our lives. Next week the adoption agency we are working with will give us our final evaluation and hopefully after that we will just be waiting for our children to find their way to us... please think positive thoughts for us!

PS Lacy, I hope your baby feels better soon!