Can someone answer a question for me, and maybe give me some advice?
My fiancee's brother and girlfriend have just found out that they are pregnant AGAIN. She just had a son in November (3 months premature) and already had three daughters, ages 4, 3, and 1. They are wanting us to adopt their fifth child, to be born in October (if it is full-term).
What do you all think about this? I am soooooo worried that they would want to try to be his/her parents even after we have adopted the baby, and also, that they would want the baby back after giving it up. I don't know how the family would handle this either, and just wanted some advice on this. My fiancee and I are getting married on March 13th, but have been living together for about two years. We have, in that time, NOT used birth control, and I have seen my dr many times and she thinks I would have to undergo many fertility treatments. I just think that I could bypass all of this if I adopt.
wow what a big decision you two have.
i guess first you should decide if you want to adopt, and if you do, do you want to adopt this child.
there are some really great books out there that describe all the ins and outs of adoption.
Mama2destiny (lisa) adopted privately kinda like this i think, and she may be able to give you some really good advice. She's great
we adopted publicly through the province.
i guess if you have made up your mind that you want to pursue this, you would need to get a lawyer, im not sure what a adoption like this would cost, probably not as much as an agency adoption, but i think it would still cost some money.
i think you also need to do a homestudy....and pay for that. and in the end the birthparents still have a certian amount of time to change their minds after the child is born.
personally, i would ask the couple for a few weeks to make your decision, and then start researching like crazy, read read read, check out the adoption resourses sticky.
talk with dh about how open you want the adoption, get a list of questions started to ask the bf.
good luck with your decision, hopefully someone else can give you more specific answers pertaining to your situation.
I agree with Lisa. Research research research!!! It sounds like a wonderful thing that could happen. I know of a family that did the same thing and it turned out wonderfully. The trick is how comfortable do you feel with them. Do you think that they could give the child up to you and allow you and your fiancee to raise the child as you see fit? The good thing is they would still have an active role in the child's life as aunt and uncle, but they would have to understand their place is just that, the aunt and uncle...not mom and dad. Find out what the limits are in your state. How long the birth parents have to change their mind after you taking the child home, whether they would expect you to pay for anything (food, clothing, medical expenses). Adoption is a wonderful, fulfilling experience and you have just been handed a very tempting and amazing offer. But make sure all four of you go into it with the same thoughts about how everything will work to avoid any problems that could arise.
Good luck!
Shana
__________________ Married 7/31/99, ttc 11/2000,
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Thank you two so much! Where do I go for research on these kinds of adoptions? I live in Little Rock, Arkansas, so I got the numbers to the Arkansas Department of Human Services.....I guess this will be the first place to look for laws and stuff. I didn't know I'd need a lawyer, just because they'd be handing the child over to us (if they decide to, in the end)....I thought it would be very easy to do.
Also, about the home study. Since the bf is also related to us, will we still need this?
I just thought it would be enough for the courts to see that the family wanted us to have the baby! It kinda stinks that some people who are not able to take care of a baby can have a baby with no problem in this world, but the people who have to struggle (like us!) have to go to PAINSTAKING MEASURES and financial means just to get what is usually so easily gotten!!!! I guess I'll never understand that one!
We are giving the bf a lot of time to think it over....after all, the baby isn't due for another seven months! But, OH, HOW WE ARE EXCITED! I try not to be too excited, because I know that it might not happen after all, but just the thought of the POSSIBILITY of being a mother sends excitement and fear into my heart!
Please pray for me, cysters. My dh has been nothing but wonderful during all of this. He's been my light and my sunshine during my mood swings, weight gain, headaches, missed periods and possible pregnancies (false, of course...). I am so lucky to have him!!!
Thanks again, and please keep sending some advice!
Unfortunately, I don't think you will be able to get around having a home study done....I think that's fairly standard in any adoption. And you definately should contact a lawyer, for your protection. I'm not trying to sound ugly about that, but if they are serious about you adopting this baby, you should definately make sure you have a lawyer!! Besides, you would have to have one to go before the courts for the termination of parental rights of the birth parents and then for the petition of adoption for you two.
I don't know what the laws are in your state, but in FL, once the birth parents sign their consent to place their child for adoption, it's pretty much a done deal. Our bm and bd signed their consent before ds was released from the hospital in November and we just got the termination last Monday. It takes a while to get everything thru the courts.
Good luck to you. I hope that this all works out for you guys!
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i'd start with the library, and read everything you can on the subject. There are alot of good resources on the internet as well.
I know it kinda sucks about all the hoops we have to jump through, but i think it serves its surpose. pregnant women go through 9 long months of pregnancy, then labor (ouch). That is what helps prepare them for motherhood, so it only makes sense that we need to sacrifice, and go through some pains as well.
At each milestone i got to, like handing in the paperwork, it was like getting through another trimester, or having an ultrasound. We knew we were one step closer to our child. it is all worth it in the end.
We were also faced w/ a similar situation. We felt that it was "too close to home". We really want to make the adoption very special for our entire family. Besides the concerns that you stated, we felt that there would always be a problem w/ people knowing too much and our relationship w/ our child possibly being comprimised.
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Thank you so much for your advice, everyone! We have decided to not adopt the child, because we feel it would cause too much tension and things between the family. Maybe they can end up caring for the child themselves, or ask someone out of the family to adopt.
Everyone has been so helpful, kind, and patient throughout this entire ordeal. I appreciate the support and advice tremendously!
adoption 
