Adoption Anxieties

Miss-Meme · 12-02-2006, 12:52 AM

Hello all. I thought that I would write you and ask for your advice.

We are matched for adoption, with the baby due Feb. 5th. And I have started having major anxiety about it. I'm so worried. More so about if we do get the baby. Will it strain DH and I's realationship? We've been married 11 years and are getting along really well right now. What if we get the baby and I have an anxiety attack? When I get anxiety attacks, I want every is causing it just to go away. And I'm so worried of this. I worry about everything, what if I don't like being a mom? I work at a daycare (have for 11 years), but those kids go home at night. Or what if I don't like the baby for some reason? We just don't bond?

Some days I'm okay with it but then others I just don't want to deal with it.

Am I normal?

patu · 12-02-2006, 07:49 AM

Yes, it is absolutly normal. People who are adopting have waited for a child for such a long time, that when the baby-time is getting close it is normal to be worried and panicked. It shows you have a hart on the right place or otherwise you wouldn`t be worried.
I just read that 80% of the adoptive parents go thru pre-adoption depression or post-adoption depression. It is absolutly normal to have anxieties, depressed thoughts etc. Just give yourself, your marriage and your child time to adjust and things will click in their right places in time.

Ange75 · 12-02-2006, 12:42 PM

I think all those fears are absolutely normal. My dh and I were married 9 years before our son was born. And honestly, the first 3 months were hard. We were absolutely SO IN LOVE with him...but the sleep deprevation did make us fight ..mainly in the middle of the night...but once we got our son sleeping through the night and the routine down pat it has been WONDERFUL. I love watching my dh be such a wonderful Dad. Our life is so much fuller and exciting now that we have a child...I really wouldn't change it for anything. So hang in there and be prepared that those first 3 months can be hard...cause nothing can prepare you for all the emotions and sleep deprevation! But it is SOOOO worth it...and you will do fine!

babygirl18905 · 12-02-2006, 05:03 PM

I know exactly what you mean I'm getting so nervous about this adoption process I'm afraid things will not go right between my fiance and myself. Don't get me wrong we are so excited but I'm still a little nervous

Miss-Meme · 12-02-2006, 05:31 PM

I'm so glad that someone else knows what I am talking about. Thanks for the help so far.

dingbat · 12-02-2006, 11:32 PM

It is so normal what you are feeling!! I had so many of the same feelings. I too have battled with anxiety issues and I suffered a bit of post adoption depression upon our sons arrival home. I struggled with the fact that our son was wanted and loved so very much before he even joined our family......how could I be feeling this now?? But it is a journey like no other and one I would not trade for the world, Aidan is the joy of our lives and I cant imagine a day without him!! Good luck to your future journey!

patu · 12-04-2006, 12:44 PM

And like previous poster wrotes, there are times when you have negative feelings toward motherhood or your child (example: when a toddler poors cherry juice to your new white shirt). This is normal also. Not all motherhood is just smiles and laughter and singing with your child. There are times when you are more tired when you ever thought is possible, there are times when you are ready to explode from anger and there are times you cry because you are so sad.

Jewels · 12-11-2006, 02:58 AM

Having a baby does change everything in so many ways. Both wonderful and challenging. The first few months are rough due to sleep deprivation, but if you can make it through the first 4 months or so it gets so much easier and WONDERFUL!

What I would suggest you do is make a plan for when or if you do have those feelings now. Can you call a relative and give yourself a break? Can you plan on one day a week having a mother's helper come in and give you some alone time? Whatever you think might help you in a tough moment. I think planning ahead for how you would deal with the anxiety is key.

Also there is a lot you could do ahead of time to make things easier on you guys like maybe make several meals ahead of time and freeze them. Get a good baby care book and read it now. I was surprised at things I thought I knew.

Congrats on your match!

Julia

Lisa2008 · 12-11-2006, 08:10 AM

Tiina, like the pp's have said, this is all normal, and relavent fears. You will be challenged, as will your relationship be tested. Parenthood is hard, but worth it

Enjoy each other as a couple, and get a support system ready for when the baby comes home. It does help to have some constructive things to do to get ready. Make freezer meals ect...

Miss-Meme · 12-11-2006, 08:23 AM

Thanks for the replies. I'm still having a very had time.

I'm scared to death of the though of having a baby. Yesterday I had an anxiety attack over it.

I just keep thinking, what if this isn't what I want? It's forever. I'm scared.

babygirl18905 · 12-11-2006, 07:47 PM

Miss-Meme

Maybe we can communicate and help each other out, I'm not lying these past few days I too have been having major anxiety and also asking myself if this is really what I want!!! I have never been so nervous I have not been matched yet but my social worker says she does not expect for me to have a long wait because I am open to race, sex and other things some people are not open to. I'm starting to worry about the baby sitting issues, will I be a good mother,etc.......

mommavia · 12-12-2006, 11:13 PM

Whenever I would start to freak out about becoming a parent, I would remember everything that I went through to get there! All the paperwork, homestudy, and waiting and waiting. We adopted from Korea so I reminded myself that our agency, the social worker who did the homestudy, and the agency in Korea all thought that I would make a good mother. Because you are adopting domestically, you also have the sela-of-apporval from you child's birthmother...what a HUGE confirmation of motherhood!!

As others have said, your feelings are normal, but if you are starting to have anxiety attacks about it you may want to find a professional to talk to, even your social worker. She or he may be able to help aleviate some of your fears about being a parent.

I hope that you find peace about your upcoming motherhood very soon! It is such a joy and honor to be a mother!

Cynthia

Miss-Meme · 01-01-2007, 06:22 PM

I just wanted to update everyone. I'm doing much better. DH and I talked about everything, which helped a lot. I talked with another adopted family in my area, which also helped.

We have since been in contact with the birth family. Everything is going good. Looks like it might only be about 3 more weeks.

angelzmom · 01-02-2007, 11:11 AM

Meme

Things will change, but it is so wonderful

I am excited for you and I will be watching the boards for the arrival of your precious little one.

Take a deep breath - you CAN do this.
Kath