Adoption fears...

Miss-Meme · 08-08-2006, 11:23 PM

I had a odd note when I got to work this afternoon, asking me to call a lady that I had worked with one afternoon. So after work I called her and talked to her.

The one day we worked together I had said that my husband and I did not have children, when she asked. She thought that I had said it rather sad.

So then the next time she went to prayer group another guy in the group said their prayers had been answered about and young girl he knew. That she was going to have the baby and place it for adoption. And if anyone knew someone who might be interested to let him know and he would pass it on.

She said she got goosebumps because she thought of me.

So she asked me if we had thought about adoption before. And I told her about how we'd tried once before...(long story here). But I had been thinking about it the last few days for some reason.

So I'm going to talk to my dh tonight. She had no clue how far along she was or anything. But if we want she will pass our names on to the man who knows the girl.

So here is may big fear. (I had some major anxiety back a few years ago when we first were trying to adopt.)

What if I don't bond with the child?

What if I'm disappointed if it's a boy and I wanted a girl? Will I still bond with it?

What if I'm scared to death after it's born and freak out? (I know if sounds funny)

I've always thought in the back of my head, that I didn't want to go though the stress of trying to adopt (agency stuff/waiting to be matched) but if it just happened, someone came to us with a baby, that I would like to do it. I just felt then I knew that was what God wanted.

I'm pretty calm with now about it and not having any anxiety over it. But DH isn't home yet to talk about it.

Thanks for reading.

Calantha · 08-08-2006, 11:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miss-Meme

What if I don't bond with the child?

What if I'm disappointed if it's a boy and I wanted a girl? Will I still bond with it?

What if I'm scared to death after it's born and freak out? (I know if sounds funny)

What if you got pregnant and found out it was a boy when you wanted a girl? You'd still love your baby, right? The fact is, a child is a child. No matter how they join your family, they still bring the same joy, sorrows, fears and FATIGUE! (Sorry, sick 34 month old wearing me out!)

Anyway, my point is just that while your fears are very real, and very common.. the reality of it all is that it's really not that different from having a biological child. Many biological mothers say they don't feel an instant connection to their newborn children. Many adoptive mothers (myself included) do not feel an instant connection to their adopted children. This bond is something that grows out of the mother-child relationship. Interacting with your child. Caring for your child. Holding your child, feeling the warmth of him or her close to your heart. Watching your child smile, laugh, cry, pee all over your living room chair (sorry, 34 month old again! Did I add frustration to that list of emotions your baby will bring to your home?!) these are the things that form a bond. These are the things you will do, no matter how that child comes to your family.

It's important to know, and remember, that it's ok to be scared. It's ok not to feel an instant bond. Just do what moms do, because you ARE a mom, and the rest will come.

I wish you the best, whatever your decision.

Miss-Meme · 08-09-2006, 12:34 AM

Thanks Brandy.

We're going to be calling tonight so see about talking to the guy who knows the girl, to find out about the whole deal.

What you said is very true.

Thanks!!

snowbunny · 08-09-2006, 12:40 AM

I'm thinking about you, and I really hope everything works out for you.

Miss-Meme · 08-09-2006, 12:47 AM

Thanks!

We're just waiting for someone to give us a call about it.

You never know the girl might have already found someone. It's been about 2 weeks I think since she found out about it.

Amavin · 08-11-2006, 03:43 PM

Well even if she found someone who was interested, doesn't mean she picked them....its not like giving away a kitten, its a child. don't give up, talk to the girl if possible, she may very well think you two will be a better home for her child than the other people interested.

I'm not saying to get your hopes up, but like you said, you are gathering info now, and talking to some people. This has to be a HUGE decision for the girl, and I just feel like it will take her more than a couple weeks to decide who she wants to raise her baby. She obviously cared enough to give this option out, she wants to pick the family instead of just having the baby and handing it off to a social worker.

I wish you the best of luck hunnny!

Miss-Meme · 08-11-2006, 07:00 PM

Thanks! We've still not heard back on it. Its all word of mouth at this point.

The lady who talked to me, has to call the guy who told her, who in turn is to call us or pass it on.

I have thought about, that even if she has talked to someone else she can change her mind.

The first thing we want to know is how far along is she? Because if she's not to far, we really don't want to get our hopes up because she has a long time to change her mind.

Thanks!!

Amavin · 08-11-2006, 07:11 PM

see but that is part of the miracle of adoption...even if this pregnant woman changes her mind....there will ALWAYS be children who need a loving home and parent who adore them. Even if THIS adoption doesn't happen....don't be discouraged...if you've decided that adoption is the option for you....It WILL happen. ::hugs::

cici · 08-11-2006, 09:42 PM

Hi, just wanted to say I hope this works out for you. I had similar fears like you when we were first approached about adopting. Not about the sex of the baby because I just wanted to have a baby so we didn't care if the baby was a boy or girl. The slight fear I had was if I would love the baby as my own and bond with the baby. When she was born yes the first couple of days felt kind of weird I think I was kind of in shock because she was finally here and definitely sleep deprived but I will tell you once we brought her home all the fears about not loving or bonding with her disappeared. Honestly we can't imagine life without our baby we love her soooo much and the thought that she is adopted never really crosses our minds.

Kittycat · 08-11-2006, 10:06 PM

If you want a baby, ask God to bring you one. I have a 3 year old daughter by adoption. We adopted after 6 years of failed IF treatments. I was praying for a baby girl and I thought that's how she was going to come to me but God had other ideas. Sometimes our prayers are answered in ways we don't expect. Don't be afraid. It can take just as long to bond with a baby that you birth as to one that you adopt. If you need any support or if I can be of any assistance as one who's been where you are, feel free to email me. CelinaEve@aol.com

LadyBugg · 08-11-2006, 11:22 PM

I just wanted to really encourage you. What the other ladies have said I totally agree with. Your child will be your child no matter what and in a short period of time you will not think of them as adopted. My dd came to us via a sperm donor but I don't think of my husband as her "step-father". We think about it so little that sometimes we even forget.

I just wanted to share with you our story. We knew a couple who adopted a baby boy from Liberia late last year. We felt that God was strongly telling us to look into the process. Knowing that we can't have children the "regular" way, we decided to listen, but weren't serious about doing anything for at least a year. When we saw a picture of a baby girl we loved her immediately and got the process going to adopt her. Just as her adoption was finalized in Liberia, her birth mama came and reclaimed her. We were so disappointed but we now believe that God used her to lead us to our son, who we thought would be home this summer but now we hope he will be home by Christmas.

If this baby is meant to be yours, it is going to happen. It is not a coincidence that that lady thought of you, whether or not you get this baby. Maybe she was just supposed to open your hearts and get you thinking/talking about adoption again. Either way, I think you are being prepared for something awesome!

Keep us posted!

Miss-Meme · 08-11-2006, 11:51 PM

Thanks everyone.

I do think God works in mysterious ways.

Adoption Momma · 08-12-2006, 12:00 AM

Before I begin, just let me say please make sure you use an agency. It will protect all parties involved....

You know how I feel about adoption.

I look at my boys every day and think, "What did I do to deserve the love from these two little boys?" When they wrap their arms around me and squeeze tight, secretly turn their cheeks for kisses, cuddle up in my lap, share new adventures, tell me about their day, and show me the world through their eyes, I smile and say a silent prayer of thankfulness.

For years, I spiritually struggled and questioned God. Why did He give me the desire to be a mother and then take away my ability to conceive? Now, I know the answer. My desire to be a mother didn't require me to have the ability to conceive. He knew my children were simply waiting for us when our paths merged.

I still have moments when I think, "Am I capable of being a mother?" I think it's natural. And I'll be honest, I always thought I wanted a daughter and was ecstatic when we first thought we would also be getting the boys younger brother and sister. But I didn't get my daughter and I didn't get my baby. And now, 9 1/2 months later, I look at my family and realize I can't imagine being the mother to anybody else.

I guess it's the same as what happened when I met my husband. All my life I knew exactly what I wanted in a man from career, religious beliefs, looks, goals, etc. My DH is the complete opposite of everything I thought I wanted in a husband. And I'm so glad he is because we are a perfect match. It's cheesy, but he truly does complete me.

So, we can imagine what we want in life, think we know how it will happen, who it will be, and how we will feel. But the truth is, most of the time what we think we want ends up being less than what we actually receive.

Miss-Meme · 08-12-2006, 03:41 AM

Tina, we weren't planning on using an agency, if things worked out. Just a lawyer. Of course an agency would do our homestudy update.

ETA: Just wanted to add that the lady I have been talking with called to say that she has not been in contact with the guy yet. She thinks he may be on vacation or something. She's planning on going to the prayer group on Monday and hopes he will be there.

Jewels · 08-12-2006, 09:32 AM

Here's what I usually ask myself if I get too caught up in the, "What if" questioning... So what?

Here's kind of a self dialogue example:

For instance if you asked yourself, "So what if I get a boy?" and your reply might be, "Well I really wanted a girl. "So what if you want a girl and get a boy?" "Well maybe I won't love him as much." So what if I don't love him as much? "Then I won't be a good mom." So what if I'm not a good mom? "I'll feel terrible." So what if I feel terrible? "That would stink." So what if it would stink? I guess I'd have to find a way to make it not stink. So what if I found a way to not make it stink? "Then I would be happy." So what if I was happy? "I'd be a great mom" So what if I would be a great mom. Then I would achieve what I really wanted all along...

This is just an example of how this works but it's really helpful in challenging those negative thoughts that creep into our lives and puts things in a different perspective.

I don't know if this was helpful but I wish you the best in your search for your own answers. I think we all have those same fleeting thoughts come into our heads. I'm glad you brought them up.

Blessings to you!
Julia