Adoption- not as a last resort?

SweetPea76 · 07-19-2004, 09:03 AM

Hi. My name is Jessica and I experienced my first m/c (it was my 1st pregnancy) last week. My DH and I tried for a year to get pregnant and I was on Met which made me sick every single day. My dr. gave me the go-ahead to start ttc again as soon as first AF. Here's the catch- I don't want to. The whole TTC thing had me so stressed out, and I hated the meds- I was miserable for the entire year. Even DH said I was nasty.

I'm ready to adopt. I know that I don't need to give birth to be a mom. I have no desire to go through that whole ordeal all over again. Has anyone here chosen to adopt without it being a last resort?

There are a few snags I"ll have to deal with- DH is Navy and we are currently living in Italy- I know the adoption process can be a long one, and with us moving every 2-3 years, it might be tough.

What have your experiences been? How have your families taken the news that you decided to adopt?

Thanks in advance-

Jessica

JenJen78 · 07-19-2004, 10:40 AM

Jessica, I'm so sorry to hear about your lose. I know that must be so hard to go through. As for DH and I, we could have gone through the meds (both DH & I) and surgery (for DH) and such, but we just decided after 3 years of TTC it just wasn't worth going through the meds and surgery too.

DH didn't care if they were bio or not. I really thought I wanted a bio child, but after really doing some soul searching, I realized what I really wanted was a baby, (not a bio child). So 6 months after leaving our last doctor's visit, we got the referral of Zach.

As for family, some were so happy for us and others tried to convince us to continue fertility treatments, but DH and I made it clear that we were adopting. Now that Zach's home, EVERYONE loves him as part of the family.

Yes, adoption can be hard and stressful, but in the end, it's SO worth it all.

tke100 · 07-19-2004, 02:09 PM

HI Jessica,

I am sorry to hear about your loss. Well, I totally understand what your are saying. It is a very personal and wonderful decision to adopt.

Anyway, DH and I tried ttc for three years. We got pg once and m/c. We tried and tried and I too was miserable. i was so sick on meds as well as being a *****. I just could not handle the meds at all, everything I tried I got sick, and the shots sucked. We tried and tried but to tell you the thruth I was sick and tired if being sick and tired!

Once we realized we were having trouble concieving I mentioned adoption, DH was not convinced at first but once he saw how miserable I was he quickly changed his mind. We wanted to be parents and have a family.

We stopped ttc in April of 2003 and started living! we took a short vacation and when we cam back in May we started speaking to attorneys and agencies. We did our home study shortly after and decided on domestic adoption because we wanted a newborn.

Anyway, I never felt it was a last resort but the only way to go for us. My body obviously was not liking the meds and hormones. I can not express to you how right the decision was for us. Our son Sam was born on 11/07/03 and came home to us on 11/12/03. Five days old and the mionute I held him I knew he was mine (ours). He is our son, it does not matter that I did not physically carry him, he was meant to be ours!.

Good luck with your Journey.
Tricia

Calantha · 07-19-2004, 02:51 PM

Jessica, first let me say I've very sorry for your loss.

As for the decision to adopt, my story is a little long..
DH and I did fertility treatments on and off for 2 years. I think we did 3 clomid cycles, 2 follistim cycles and half a gonal-f cycle altogether. DH had brought up adoption before we ever started the fertility treatments, but I just wasn't sure I could love an adopted child the same way.
I was working day care at the time and met a beautiful, and very troubled, little boy named Joshua. I fell in love with Josh. He was such a handful that the other teachers had all but given up on him already. He was angry, violent, unruly, and desperately crying out for love. He and I became fast friends and eventually it got to where the boss put me working one on one with Josh so the other teachers and students could have some peace! The more I got to know Josh the more I loved him, I felt horrible sending him home every night with his severely disturbed (to put it nicely) mother.
I was in the middle of a gonal-f cycle that was going VERY slow. I had hyperstimulated on follistim and so the doctors were being very cautious with the gonal-f. On day 28 I went for an ultrasound and was told maybe 3 more days of shots and I would be ready to ovulate. Something just snapped in me at that point. I don't know how to put it other than to say I just suddenly felt that what I was doing was wrong (wrong for ME, not wrong as in morally wrong).
DH was off of work for the day, and when I got home I told him I wanted to adopt. He was a little hesitant and asked how I knew I could love the child, when in the past I had said I wasn't sure. I told him because I loved Josh and would bring him home to be my son in a heartbeat if I could. I am actually trying to locate Joshua's grandparents now (as I have heard they have custody of a MUCH happier and better of Joshua!). I'd like to write Josh a letter, for his grandparents to give him when he is older, thanking him for opening my heart and helping lead me to my precious son.
We called the RE that same afternoon, thanked him for his help and told him we wouldn't be back. He wanted us to finish up the gonal-f cycle, but we told him our baby was somewhere else. What would have happened with those 5 follies I was working on? Who knows? All I can say is that I don't regret letting them go.
Our families were ok with us adopting. The problem that we had was everyone wanted to know "Why aren't you adopting an American baby?!" While I felt, and still feel, that this was something we should never have had to explain to anyone as it was a very personal decision, we bit our tongues and tried out best to explain our feelings on the matter. We're expecting to be leaving to bring Sam home in a couple of weeks. Our families are almost as anxious as we are and have long since gotten over their initial concerns. The closer we get, the more supportive they seem to become and I am sure they will love him to pieces, I know we will.

sharmi · 07-19-2004, 04:26 PM

Jessica, I'm very sorry for your loss.

My path towards adoption is different from the other girls, mostly because we had 2 children and were TTC #3. But TTC is still miserable, and after a year and a half of "au naturale" and 1 failed Clomid cycle, I decided enough was enough. We didn't want to pay some dr. lots of money to turn me into a science experiment! So we stopped TTC and decided to leave our family plans up to God, 100%. About 2 months later, I got this urge to adopt a child from Haiti, and I couldn't get rid of the feeling that my child is waiting for me there. So, we're starting the process.

Our family has been very supportive, except for my grandma (who could never accept my adopted cousin and is very racist overall). Our friends all think it's a great idea. So far, we've had good reactions all around.

Good luck to you, with whatever decision you make.

horselover · 07-19-2004, 05:56 PM

Jessica,
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, that must be so difficult to go through. Like you I was ready to adopt very early in the process but decided to try ttc anyway. We have done four Clomid cycles and will probably do one more and then I am drawing the line. We both decided a long time ago that we did not want to spend a lot of money on fertility treatments when it was really in our hearts to adopt. I have this overwhelming sense that I don't want to try to force my body to do something that it obviously doesn't want to do right now.
Unfortunately our adoption won't be happening for another couple of years, until we can afford it. Sometimes I wish I had started working towards adoption right away instead of focusing on ttc. If it is what you truly want, I think you should go for it and wish you alot of luck.

so-tired · 07-19-2004, 06:32 PM

{{hugs}}

Well, I will tell you....

I have always wanted to adopt. DH and I were talking the other day about adopting more... once DS is older. We are going to adopt older kids that no one seems to want.

I have always always wanted to adopt. Honestly... adoption was my 1st choice. I have never ever had any fertility treatments nor do I plan to. I am pretty sure I could get pregnant again, especially with fertility treatments, and have a baby... but i choose not to.

It is different for every woman. Do what feels right for you!!

Good luck!!!

SweetPea76 · 07-20-2004, 04:58 AM

Thanks for all of your kind words. I had a long talk with DH last night and he agreed that the right thing for us to do is to start looking into the process. He brought up IVF and finding a surrogate, but those aren't right for me. I have this feeling deep down that if it takes this much effort to get pregnant, maybe I shouldn't be. There are lots of babies out there who need a good loving home, and that is exactly what DH and I can provide.

I have found a few agencies that have dealt with military families, which is good and have started lookking into Int'l adoption (being in Italy we'll focus on children in the Eastern European area b/c its easier for us.)

Thanks for listening and providing greatly needed support.

Jess

dna · 07-20-2004, 07:12 PM

Hi Jessica

Sorry to hear about your loss...

Adoption for us was not a last resort for sure

You got some good advice and answers above so I am going to leave it at that !

Take care,
Amy

EmilyE · 07-22-2004, 02:43 AM

Hi Jessica,

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

I agree that adoption doesn't have to be a last resort. If you want children, what difference does it make if you carried them?

I am the biological child of my parents (and the oldest). When I was three, my parents adopted my two younger brothers. Adoption, for my parents, was a first choice. (They'd always wanted to adopt; I have a feeling that I was a surprise.

)

Adoption is a wonderful option. I plan to adopt at least one child, whether I am able to carry one of my own or not. The world is full of kids who need a loving home!

I would hope that your family can be supportive of your decision to adopt... Just explain to them that you want to be a mother, and that fertility treatments aren't the best option. Children are children, and if you adopt one, I bet all your family will love him/her right away, even if they say you should try to get pregnant.

Emily

spookycyster · 07-22-2004, 08:19 AM

Hi Jessica,

We are the proud parents of a nearly 8 month old little boy. He is the light of our lives and I know that he was meant to be ours.

We had been ttc for four and half years and very aggressively trying with fertility meds for 2 years when, after our 2nd IVF cycle failed, we decided that what we really wanted was to be parents and not to be pregnant. Yes, we would like to have a bio child and experience pregnancy, but it was no longer our "goal". We just wanted a family. Three months after submitting our paperwork with our agency, I brought our 4 day old son home from the hospital. The moment I got "the call", I knew he was meant to be ours. The moment I held him, it was like coming home--he was the baby we had been waiting for for four and half years, the baby we had prayed for so many times. All the pain and suffering of the fertility treatments were worth it, because the end result was ds. We had to go thru all of that to be ready for ds.

We, too, are military and are waiting for official orders to Germany. I'm excited about going but on the other hand, I know it will likely be more difficult for us to pursue adoption while we're there. I didn't want ds to be an only child and our tour to German may cause him to be. But I think there is a greater plan for each of us, so I will just have to have faith that whatever happens, God knows what's best for us.

Good luck to you.

SweetPea76 · 07-22-2004, 09:05 AM

Spookycyster-

Thanks for sharing your story. I've actually had lots of luck in finding info. on adopting while abroad. I think you just have to be ready to start early, so you don't PCS after you do your homestudy and before you get a child.

Germany is a great place to be, as most military support stuff is there. One website with great info is www.usadopteurope.com. They apparently have symposiums (held in Germany I believe) where they bring in agencies who deal with military/us citizens living abroad. There are also links to the different agencies' websites on their site as well.

Good luck and thanks again!

Jess

Sari · 07-25-2004, 02:00 AM

Jessica,
I have always wanted to adopt. I'm looking into that now, as well as TTC. DH really wants to TTC but says he is OK with adopting as well, even if we do have bio kids. I think adoption is a wonderful thing. We really want to adopt from the Philippines as my DH is originally from there, but that is 4 years away (27 yr age req) and we are also looking to adopt domestically.
Good luck!

Mom*to*twins · 07-26-2004, 09:08 PM

I am new to this forum and new to PCOS - but I am not new to adoption. The title to this thread prompted me to come out of "lurkdome".

I am mommy to 5 year old twin boys adopted from Guatemala. DH and I married a bit older than some (I was in my late 20's - DH was 33). Even before we were married we talked about adopting internationally. It was always in the future..."someday we will do this".

We spent a year or so just being married and then started ttc. We went the "au naturale" route for a couple of years with no luck. One day, and I can remember the exact day (Wednesday, April 7, 1999). I was driving to work and was overcome with the profound sense that NOW was the time to adopt. I came home and told DH and we began the long process to adoption. We always approached adoption as our first choice rather than last resort. We never did seek treatment for infertility. (In fact I was just recently diagnosed with PCOS.)

Fast forward quite a few months...homestudy done, INS paperwork approved, completely paper ready and we receive our referral. TWINS. When our case worker told me their birthday I was absolutely stunned - April 7, 1999 - the boys' birthday.

So now my boys are 5 years old- and the joy of our lives. We are so very thrilled with the way our adoption journey turned out. Adoption does not need to be a last resort.

-Renee

rachelmichellek · 07-27-2004, 02:50 PM

Some of us even choose adoption as a first choice!

I think adoption as a "last resort" is kind of a crappy mindset to have, like people must enter it grudgingly. I don't see it as "settling" at all.