adoption without an agency

MikesHAPPYwife · 05-21-2008, 01:58 AM

Missmeme thank you for all of your links to visit on the sticky. I am still lost though about advise on adopting outside of agency.

My aunt contacted me today and told me about a friend from work who hasnt been able to find someone to adopt her baby. She is 7 mons. pregnant so time is running out. My aunt told her about me and her friend asked her to talk with me and give her name and number.

We have thought of adopting in the future but thinking of having another child here in 2 mons. is just crazy. We got the call right before DH went to work so we really havent had a chance to talk about it and i havent talked to the birthmother. I have so many things running through my mind right now and first and for most dont want to get myself into something and then things go bad.

After discussing with DH, and bringing it before God (which i have done all night) we decide this something we want to do what steps should we take besides calling her. What questions do i ask her? I am assuming we should get a lawyer and make sure all the i's are dotted and t's are crossed, but what else?

This is exciting, scarying, crazy, and just WOW!! if you know what i mean.

cindyinnc · 05-21-2008, 02:24 AM

Laura Beth,

DH and I went through this at the beginning of this year. Almost the exact same timing and everything. Anyway, you will need to contact an attorney and get the papers started. You may already know this but you will have to get the father to sign away rights as well. There are different laws in different states as to how you must do this. The point is he has to be notified or else it can come back and haunt you. You will also need a home study done. In NC the father can sign his consent to adoption before the baby is born but the mother can not until the baby is born. There is then a 7 day period in which the birth mom has to change her mind. We made it until the baby was born and since mom had a c-section we were at the hospital for longer than usual. The birth mom ended up changing her mind and we were devastated. We really did not see it coming as she was adament about wanting to give the baby up for adoption. There was absolutely nothing we could do. We had no means to recoup the money we spent on the lawyer, the home study, and money that we spent on baby items and neccessities for mom. The emotional loss was the worst I have ever felt in my life...I can not even tell you how much it hurt. I felt as though a part of me died.

I know that these situations can work out and I have seen them work but please be careful. I know agencies are expensive but they typically shield you from these type of situations. A birth mom may change her mind but you would not have met the baby, held the baby, fed him, etc. The social worker at the hospital felt so bad for us. We had been at the hospital non stop for two weeks since the birth mom had been admitted due to pre-eclampsia. We had many sessions with birth mom and the social worker and she even felt very positive about it. She told us we did everything right and that this just happens with private adoptions.

You will know what is right for you, I just wanted to tell you about our experience.

MikesHAPPYwife · 05-21-2008, 02:37 AM

This is exactly what crossed my mind first thing, but I also keep thinking about the fact that she has already adopted out a child that is now 2 which i didnt add earlier. This gives me the hope that she knows what it is like and can handle it.

(which how can you handle giving your child up, i couldnt imagine, but the fact that she didnt have an abortion needs to applauded

)

How much did you spend on your lawyer?

I havent talked to her yet but what if she doesnt know who the dad is, what happens then?

cindyinnc · 05-21-2008, 02:43 AM

It depends on your states laws. You would need to see if they have a punative father registry. If she does not have any idea who the father is and that is what she is sticking to then your lawyer will have to run ads in the paper to notify any potential fathers of her intent to have the baby adopted. You want to be careful when they say that they do not know who the father is....I mean, if it could be one of 10 people then your lawyer could send a notification to each. If each one signs a form that denies paternity it is the same as consenting to an adoption and they have no rights. That is typically what will happen. they can either sign a form saying no, I am not the father....or no, I do not agree with the adoption, or yes....I agree with the adoption. Your lawyer would advise you on exactly how you would need to notify.

As far as fees, our attorney was $2500.00 and the homestudy was 1500.00.

MikesHAPPYwife · 05-21-2008, 03:52 PM

Thank you so very much for your advise and for sharing your story. I am so sorry that you had such a heart breaking experience, I just cant imagine it.

I called DH at work and told him to think on the idea. when he got home we talked and talked and prayed and prayed. It was hard to know if it was a "God thing" or not. We feel like its not God's will for us right now. Its hard to say no when you know there could be a baby out there for us, but in the same breathe its easy to say no and not have to worry about the expense to our wallet and hearts.

~*~Michelle~*~ · 05-21-2008, 09:03 PM

I had these exact same questions. However, we're still looking for a b-mom so it's really just preliminary stuff for us unless something comes up in the mean time which I would love it if that happened. We've been waiting for another baby for almost 3 yrs now.

Miss-Meme · 05-21-2008, 11:57 PM

This is basically how we came about our son!! We were contacted by some who knew someone wanting to place!! It worked out for us!

I disagree that an agency can shield you from 'these type of situations'. I know the agencies around here, if the birthmother wants you to be at the hospital you can. You still know about the pg and birth before placing. There are some placements that come after the fact but not always.

Since I know your into God, just remember that if it's meant to be it will be. If this is what he wants for you so be. You can't make it happen.

If you don't want to put the money for the homestudy up now, find out if a homestudy can be done after the birth in your state.

We didn't spend any money out of our pockets (other then the homestudy) until after he was born. Like I said check out if the homestudy needs to be done before or if it can be done after.

Our attorney fees were much less then what was posted above.

Tip: Remember not to say things like 'give' up the baby. She's not giving it up, she's making a plan to place the baby.

MikesHAPPYwife · 05-22-2008, 12:16 AM

Well, her friend turned out to be her friends friend, who turned out to be her friends friend friend.

What I was told from one of the many friends involved that this was an illegal immigrant. She has adopted out one child 2 years ago and is in the same boat again, but thats only what birthmom has said. She doesnt speak english & wants the baby with an american because she wants to eventually get back to mexico. She is just here to make money for her family. So, the kicker her job is selling Avon.

So, there was ALOT of red flags. I dont want to be the dumb american that she makes her money from. This may not be the case at all but i just didnt feel right before I talked to the friend and now i really dont feel good about it.

It was nice to dream for a day!

ps i live in nd, & baby is in va so that would be some added expense as well.

Miss-Meme · 05-22-2008, 08:24 AM

I don't see those things as red flags really, but the main thing is that it didn't feel right. Always go with your gut. I also don't see how she would have made money off of you, unless you were going to pay her, which you can't do unless you agree to pay living cost, with would go only to pay for rent, food or things like that.

jordon23 · 05-24-2008, 11:08 PM

Mikeshappywife I was just wondering what was going on with your situation? Could you PM or email me at wendyskidmore@hotmail.com