Adotpive Parents

Jakes_Angel · 03-24-2007, 07:58 PM

Hi all,

I am not a mother...well I am, I have two babies in heaven, Tatem and Skylar, both early miscarriages.

I have talked a littel bit with my husband about adoptiona nd he wants to at least wait two years to see if we can get pg. But I have talked him into looking into foster parenting just because I want to be a mommy so bad that I dont know if I could wait that long. I know that they will eventually get taken away from us and I have thought about that as well. But I also know that it would mean the world to me to be able to have kids in the house.

Anyhow, I ams writing this t ask about bonding. I know that when you are pg you bond with your child. But what is it like to bond with a child that you know doesnt belong to you? Is it like bonding with a puppy? Is it instant? what about for the daddys? Does it seem to make it more dificult for the daddys to bond with the baby if it isnt his?

I am sorry to bug you about this but this is something that really worries me...more for my husband than for me. I am a teacher and I tend to fall in love with all children no matter...I just know that being a teacher I am used to them going home at the end of the day and having set rules for how to discipline the children. I just wonder if I adopted a baby if I would still feel like I had to do things a certain way. Obviously I am not saying i want to do anything bad to a child...I am even talking about the way you feed them and having to write everything down... I dont know it may sound weird to someone that hasnt worked in child care before but that is something that I am afraid of...that I would still look at the child as someone elses baby.

Miss-Meme · 03-25-2007, 09:25 AM

I can answer as an adoptive parent and as a child care worker.

After working at a daycare for going on 12 years I learned not to bond too much with the children. Enough to really care about the children, but not so much to be hurt when our time together was up.

When our baby was first born, I really guarded my heart. I felt as I was doing the same as when at work. But after the first two weeks, when I had to start being home alone with him during the day. I really started to bond with him. There was no one else there, just me and him.

As far as doing things a certain way, I found that I am doing things differently then I have with the children at daycare. At daycare I could deal with the sound of a crying child all day if needed. But I can't stand to have my baby fuss for even a little bit.

My husband has no problem bonding with a child that is not bio. He bonded before I did.

We both don't know what it's like to have a bio child, so adoptive is all we know...so to use there is no difference.

Jakes_Angel · 03-25-2007, 02:30 PM

Wow, so it did take a little time to get used to the idea of it being your child...I just know that i would feel as though I had to report to someone at the end of the day...I can see though how having him for two weeks with jsut you and him could make a difference.

Did your dh have a hard time wrapping his mind around the thought of even adopting at first or was he on board with it.

Dh right now is not too keen on the idea of adopting. He said he wants to wait for two years to see what happens...and that is fine i will wait that long but I want to make that an open option for us as well...just worried dh isnt going to give up on a bio child. When in my heart I think I already have.

Miss-Meme · 03-25-2007, 04:27 PM

My Dh was totally on board...his mom was adopted at birth and they adopted two of his siblings and had lots of foster children in their home... so to DH this was the norm. I'd only knew two adopted siblings basically, so it started off as new to me.

March2007IVF · 03-25-2007, 05:12 PM

Well - I have an odd view on this situation.

I too was adopted... and for me I always felt loved and never once that I'm aware of was treated differently because I was adopted. From stories (my adopted mom has passed), I've heard that the day that they met me my mom didn't want to go in. So my dad went in first -- and when she heard him say... come to daddy.. .she went rushing in to intercept. I was 3 mo old.

I've come to the same destination... after multiple rounds of clomid, IUI, and IVF - we are moving on to adoption. I already have a nearly 5 yr old son - but I know in my heart that a child is a child-- they don't have to come from you to be yours. When you have a baby you don't necessarily instantly bond either. From sheer exhaustion there are early days that you are delirious and wondering what have you done. But after a few weeks you can't even imagine giving them up to go to day care. (I made DH take him to day care - I couldn't bear to take him -- i was the pick up gal!)

I hope that helps... but I would advise you both need to be in total agreement about adoption. Fortunatley my DH is totally on board! It is a very stressful time both emotionally and financially -- just like TTC!

Good luck!

Cooper · 03-25-2007, 05:24 PM

Hey Jakes_Angel

I am not an adopted parent YET but I am an adopted child. I know that the child may have bonding issues for a little while but that doesn't take long either. The big factor is the age and where they have been living so far in life. Myself I was at the hospital for 10days and then in foster care for 4weeks my parents got me when I was 6weeks old. I wasn't cuddled much in the first few weeks especially in the hospital only held during feeding and changing ect. The bonding did come pretty quick as too what I was told obviously don't remember but I know now that during my childhood I was very clingy to my parents.
I think what holds alot of people back from adopting is a big part of this, the fear that you won't feel the same way about this child that you would with your BIO but I think the bond can sometimes be even greater, because you have been entrusted with such a gift.
My cousin and his wife adopted a little girl from China and by the time they can home you would have thought she was in there family forever.

I am not sure if this has helped or if I am just babbling on but hope that helps.

Micmoore · 03-25-2007, 07:00 PM

I just wanted to add my 2 cents

I am the adoptive mother of 4 beautiful children. My DH was probably ready to move on to adoption before I was. Our three older children were adopted from foster care at 5, 7 and 9 (2, 3 and 5) at placement. Our baby was placed at 2 days and adopted at 21 months. I will tell you we bonded with all of our children instantly. We knew from the moment we saw them they were meant to be ours.

As far as loving them like I bio child... I stopped TTC after we had our older children placed because I didn’t think I would feel the same for a bio child. I am sure I would, but it was so special the way each of my children came to me I could not imagine it any other way.

Just keep talking to DH. Not pressuring him, just talking. I want to adopt one more and keep telling my husband stories I hear about international adoption. At this point he just smiles and nods

Good Luck!

Jakes_Angel · 03-25-2007, 09:59 PM

It is so good to hear all of your stories it really gives me an idea of all sides of the story...This will definately be helpful when and if it gets to that point...
Micmoore-I think it is funny that you felt the same way about a bio child as I am feeling about adoption. We are still going to ttc for a few more years then we will see what happens but hopefully whereever we go we can go through the steps to be foster parents. that would be a good thing...anyhow hope you all had a wonderful weekend

Lisa67 · 03-25-2007, 11:47 PM

Jakes Angel,

As the mother of 1 daughter born to me and 2 through the miracle of adoption.... I can tell you *hands down*, no question about it .... that I love my 2 little ones no differently than my oldest. We adopted from China and had bonding nearly immediately with both of the girls.

No offense, but I'm not sure what equating bonding with a child to getting a puppy means. I've never, nor would I ever, refer to any child the same as an animal. I'm not sure how to answer that question as I find it kind of odd.

You both definitely have to be on board at the same time no matter which type of adoption or fostering you are thinking of. You do not want to go into such a life changing, major event not being in the same place.

My husband took longer than I did at deciding to adopt but he came to it on his own. I didn't have to talk him into it or persuade him--he figured it out quite nicely (and smartly!

) on his own.

Good luck to you. I hope things work out as they are meant to for your family.

Jakes_Angel · 03-26-2007, 01:27 AM

lisa67- I was not trying to put down children by all means and I am sorry if I made you feel as if I were...that is just the best analogy I could come up with...I feel the same way you do that there is no compariso between the two but families tend to bond with animals as well so I was using that...sorry if I offended you...

Thank you for that insight...so you didnt have a hard time at all? that is my fear...but I think that i would feel kinda weird having my own child as well because of my work in daycares I just was thinking it would be easier to bond with them after carrying a baby for 9 months then a baby that you meet the day you get it ...I dont know maybe i jsut need to do more research about adoption.

Lisa67 · 03-26-2007, 01:51 AM

Oh no, I'm not offended-just questioning that comparison as I have never thought of those 2 things together--children vs. a puppy. That's all, not upset w/you

I can honestly tell you that neither my husband nor I had any problems with attachment or bonding issues. When we received our daughters it was like I'd waited a lifetime for them, all 3 of them. My youngest daughter didn't like me too much for the first day we were together and she preferred her daddy--but that literally changed overnight. The next morning she woke up she was all over me and things were good in the world

You really should read up on adoption (lots of links up above in the Adoption resources thread) and the issues that can stem from attachment. Some people do have problems so I don't want to paint too rosey a picture for you. But I can tell you from my experience that we *did* bond with our little ones just as easily and as closely as we did when I gave birth.

I hope that helps you. Please do ask if you have anymore questions--and don't worry about those of us that are sensitive to adoption lingo--it's part of us

LOL

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jakes_Angel

lisa67- I was not trying to put down children by all means and I am sorry if I made you feel as if I were...that is just the best analogy I could come up with...I feel the same way you do that there is no compariso between the two but families tend to bond with animals as well so I was using that...sorry if I offended you...

Thank you for that insight...so you didnt have a hard time at all? that is my fear...but I think that i would feel kinda weird having my own child as well because of my work in daycares I just was thinking it would be easier to bond with them after carrying a baby for 9 months then a baby that you meet the day you get it ...I dont know maybe i jsut need to do more research about adoption.

Jakes_Angel · 03-26-2007, 02:34 AM

just one more question how old were your girls when you adopted them?

dna · 03-26-2007, 10:07 AM

I just wanted to say THANK YOU for thinking about all this before adopting ! I think it really helps in the end to go in with eyes wide open. Your child is your child is your child no matter how he/she comes into your family.

My son was 15 months old when we adopted him from Ukraine. We had some bonding issues I am aware of now that happened then and it made for me being a very uphappy Mommy. He was "mommy shopping" and it damn near broke my heart. We are good now at he is 5. What I learned with him I applied to our newest addition, she was adopted at 7 almost 8 months old. I didnt let anyone else hold her except for my parents and of course DH the whole time we were in China. When we got home I limited the amount of hold time to ensure that she knew I was her Mom and to come to me for love/safety/protection/food etc.

There are tons of books out there on attachment. Most of them scare the life out of me and I tend to overanalize but our DD is well attached now at just over a year old. We took alot of flack and still are for our methods but thats ok ! Mommy is sane !! LOL

p.s. My DH had no problems at all bonding with either of his kids. However with me being the prime 24/7 caregiver it took more time for them to come around to him. He never ever held that against them or got angry, he knows it takes time especially when he is away at work everyday.

HTH,
Amy

JulieMamaof1 · 03-26-2007, 10:55 AM

I just wanted to agree with March2007IVF. We are in the process of adopting our first child. I have a 2 1/2 year old bio DD and it did take me a little time to bond with her. We had a rough delivery and she had to go right to the NICU so I didn't get to see her for a few hours and then she had to spend her first 24 hrs. in there. I knew I loved her from the minute that I got to see her but I didn't "know" her. I know that sounds crazy but it takes time to learn about them. Does that make sense?

We just met our adoptive DS last week. It wasn't what I thought it would be. I thought that I would just cry and just have this overwhelming love for him....I didn't! We knew that we were going to be with him for 2 hrs and then we were driving the 9 hrs. back home. We are still guarded because no papers have been signed. I think in the adoption situation it does take time to bond. I am imagining that it is going to be very surreal when we get him home (hopefully 22 days). I think it is going to take time to realize that he is "ours".

Sorry this got a little long....hopefully I helped a little. It's a hard thing to get advice on because everybody's situation is so different! Keep us posted on your journey and what you decided to do.

P.S. I know your hubby wants to wait for 2 years but if your ready to start now ask him to go to an info session. That can help clear up any questions you have about the process and maybe that will help him to feel more connected to the process! Good luck!

Miss-Meme · 03-26-2007, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JulieMamaof1

P.S. I know your hubby wants to wait for 2 years but if your ready to start now ask him to go to an info session. That can help clear up any questions you have about the process and maybe that will help him to feel more connected to the process! Good luck!

Good idea Julie! Going to an info session might help him understand adoption a little more.