Advice?

graceking · 02-19-2008, 08:07 PM

Hey all, I just thought I would post a plea for advice... I am bisexual, but I have yet to come out to anyone outside of sc. I'm not concerned about the reactions of my friends - if they're truly my friends, they'll support me, and if not, then they won't, and there's not much I can do about that.

No, my real issue is my parents. They're very religious, which is fine, except that they are absolutely against homosexuality and bisexuality, no questions asked. (Ex: they both hate Bush, but voted for him so that if any Supreme Court justices died, he would select conservative replacements that would keep gay marriage illegal.

) They found out - not by my choosing - that I'm bi a few years ago, and instantly stuck me in Christian counseling in an attempt to convert me back to heterosexuality.... Obviously, didn't work (its not a choice!). We haven't discussed it since. I'm in college now, and I'm in a wonderful relationship (with a fellow cyster, actually, my darling Naymarie

), and I'd really like to share at least my bisexuality with them, but I'm terrified of what their reactions will be. I can honestly see them doing things as drastic as making me move home and go to a community college or withdrawing all financial support; I can't deal with either of those options right now, but I hate keeping this huge part of who I am hidden from them....

So, I'm hoping you may have some advice... maybe you've gone through a similar situation or know someone who has. Anything would be appreciated... Thanks in advance!

Naymarie · 02-20-2008, 07:21 PM

My Darling!!!! I'm sorry that I've no good advice for you...but I can tell you to keep your head up!! And one day you'll be in my arms forevermore!!!

irishangel · 02-29-2008, 10:48 PM

My suggestion isnt one that'll be helpful but its one my former therapist gave me be honest with them and if they cut off support then be on your own. If they dont want to talk to you then dont talk to them. Of course I went 5 years without speaking to my parents but now their cool with it. I know when my mom switched churches and ended up at one where the people are tolerant she became more tolerant. But truthfully I say just plan and get yourself ready for the worst case senario before you say anything

newfiecyster · 03-01-2008, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by irishangel

My suggestion isnt one that'll be helpful but its one my former therapist gave me be honest with them and if they cut off support then be on your own. If they dont want to talk to you then dont talk to them. Of course I went 5 years without speaking to my parents but now their cool with it. I know when my mom switched churches and ended up at one where the people are tolerant she became more tolerant. But truthfully I say just plan and get yourself ready for the worst case senario before you say anything

That is so true Nikki. That advice was awesome. I am taking that for when i tells mine. i am so nervous to to tell them. But i got to i donlt like keeping secrets. I already chicken out telling them so many times. Wish you could be here when i tells them but that could be abigger shock learning i am lesbian and got a wonderful amazing woman all in the same hour.

kok1922 · 04-05-2008, 09:00 PM

Hi

I think that you need to do what is best for your long term future right now. If you think they would pull you out of college and pull financial support, then don't tell them now and get through college. Is that selfish? Yes, it is but you're parents are being incredibly selfish by refusing to love their daughter for the amazing person that she is right now and will be in the future.

Get through college. After college, remind them that you are bi (as you said you told them before) and be prepared for the worst (emotionally) but at least you'll have a college degree to support yourself financially.

As someone 15yrs older than you and partnered for 13yrs with two kids, I can tell you that while parental relationships are very important to us, they only define who we are if we let them. There is so much more to life than worrying about what your parents think and feel.

And, in the 15yrs since I've been out, I've seen tremendous changes in the acceptance level of different family members on my side and my partner's side. We just lived our lives with confidence, love, and respect and after a few years, they realized we were not going to apologize for being lesbians. We were not going to beg for their forgiveness. And, you know what? Each and every one of them celebrated/sent presents when our daughters arrived and all of them invite us to holidays etc. It's not perfect, but good enough.

Good luck.

thejenerator · 04-08-2008, 12:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kok1922

Hi

I think that you need to do what is best for your long term future right now. If you think they would pull you out of college and pull financial support, then don't tell them now and get through college. Is that selfish? Yes, it is but you're parents are being incredibly selfish by refusing to love their daughter for the amazing person that she is right now and will be in the future.

I completely agree. My partner is going through the same sort of thing right now (She's not a cyster). We won't tell her parents (although we're sure they know) because she feels it would be selfish to put this pressure on them. Also, because her family is Asian, it's a culture issue. All the Asians her family is connected with will talk and cause drama.

Basically...it's just a case-by-case basis for everyone. I came out almost 3.5 years ago to my parents. It was a struggle when they wanted to put me through therapy and forced me to attend an Exodus International convention, but I just put up with it and didn't fight them back. I think that was best for the situation. They just needed to know that they did as much as they could to "reverse" this before they forfeited. I just let them and tried not to be selfish about it.

If you KNOW they would drop your college funding, my advice is to wait! Wait until you're done with school. In the meantime, try looking for scholarships for GLBT students, especially those for students whose parents stopped funding them because of their sexuality.
Here are some links you may find useful:

http://www.washburn.edu/sobu/broach/glbt-scholar.html
http://www.pointfoundation.org/
http://www.finaid.org/otheraid/gay.phtml

Check your school's resources for GLBT students. Scholarships may be available. If they aren't check with your school's GLBT student organization(s) to see what they would recommend for finding aid.

And stay positive!

graceking · 04-13-2008, 11:51 PM

You ladies rock, thank you sooooooo much for all the wonderful suggestions!!!! I appreciate it more than words can say. Hugs all around!

drchickon · 04-16-2008, 04:19 PM

I also say get your education first. So many people have already stated so many good reasons to do so, but I just wanted to echo my support for that sentiment. It is so important - and a small trade-off for keeping this from your parents for a few years.

I assume you go to school far from home? So, in theory you could live the life you want and be out everywhere expect with your parents? I did that for a few years in college and while it wasn't ideal, it was necessary for me to get what I needed. I figured I have my whole life to be "out" and really only one real shot at getting a quality and timely education.

graceking · 04-16-2008, 04:30 PM

School is 2 hours away from home but coincidentally there's 2 other girls who go here that live within a block of me at home... Both of their families are friends with my family, and while I can trust one girl to keep it quiet, the other one would let the entire world know within a matter of hours, no matter what I said in terms of asking her to keep quiet. So, that means I'm stuck at school keeping it quiet except with a few trusted friends... but its better than nothing. I'm getting used to it and even though I'm sure the summer months will be hard in that regard, I've come out to a few friends at home, and I know I'll be able to count on them for support - and for refuges when my parents get to be too much, haha. You all are right - education needs to happen, period, so I'm gonna do my best to stick it out and go from there. Thanks again to all of you for taking the time to think about my situation and formulate a response, I really really really appreciate your thoughtfulness and support! Much love, Gracie

sagestory · 04-22-2008, 10:28 AM

I agree that you should wait until you get your degree and no longer need financial support. The absolute last thing you need is for them to pull the money and you to be stuck living at home and going to a different school or no school at all. Take care of yourself by getting the degree and then you'll have more freedom. I know it's hard to be in the closet... I did it for years... but I think it's really important to look out for what's best for the long term. Besides, you can be 'out' at school and with others and at some point, you can be 'out' with your parents as well.

You might want to consider speaking to a counselor (perhaps the school counselor) about this situation. Even if you're not going to talk to your parents about it right now, it's definitely hard to be rejected by them. It might help to have someone to help you sort it all out.